Chapter One - The New Pet
“I never thought I’d see the day that I actually own one!” Amanda had just called her best friend and was staring at the wooden crate. “Oh god, what did you get now?” Jasmine laughed. “If I told you, you wouldn’t believe me!” Jasmine stayed quiet, then finally replied. “Should I be scared?” Amanda laughed. “Oh no! Why should you be afraid of little baby spotted hyena?” Jasmine was shocked. A hyena? Jasmine always knew her friend was crazy but she but she never thought Amanda was this crazy! “Why in the hell would you buy a hyena? Those things are killers!” Jasmine screamed. “Chill out Jasmine!” Amanda said calmly. “He is just a little baby! What harm can he do?” “What about when he gets older? Then what! When that thing is full grown he’ll be able to kill you with one bite!” Amanda laughed. She was still as calm as could be. “By the time he is adult I will have him fully tame!” Jasmine sighed. “If you say so. But I’m just saying, be careful!” “Don’t worry! I know what I am doing.” But in reality, Amanda and Jasmine both knew that Amanda had no clue what she was doing! She had no clue what she was getting herself into! “Why don’t you come over to see him?” Amanda asked. Jasmine paused. Did she really want to see this future killer? She sighed. “Okay, I am on my way”
When Jasmine arrived at Amanda’s house she could hear the animal inside. It was ‘laughing’ as spotted hyenas were known to do. Did that mean he was happy? Amanda opened the door. “Come in! Hurry! Before he gets out!” Jasmine stepped inside and almost immediately the tiny creature was making the loudest racket anyone could imagine! He was circling Jasmine with his little tail held high. He has his teeth bared and was showing off all his needle sharp puppy teeth. Jasmine couldn’t help but laugh at this tiny thing that was trying so hard to be vicious! Amanda picked him up. “Now you stop that mister!” and she lightly spanked him. The pup screamed and cried as though she was murdering him! Amanda sat him back down and he ran under the couch. “So,” She laughed. “What do you think of him?” Jasmine smiled. “I have to admit, he is pretty cute!” Amanda laughed. “I knew you’d like him once you saw him!”
Amanda sat on the floor and the pup peeked out from under the couch. He sniffed at Amanda, and then looked up at Jasmine. But when Jasmine’s eyes met with the pup’s she couldn’t help but notice something strange. His eyes flashed bright green. “I didn’t know hyena’s eyes were green!” Jasmine exclaimed. Amanda picked up her pup and looked him over questioningly. “What are you talking about? His eyes are dark brown!” “No they aren’t! They are-“ Jasmine stopped in mid sentence. The hyena’s eyes were brown again. But she couldn’t help but notice the evil look on the tiny creatures face. She stepped back. “Where exactly did you get him?” Amanda smiled and hugged her beloved hyena pup. “He was advertised online for free!” “Why would you get him if he was for free! You don’t know what could be wrong with him!” Amanda shook her head. “Nothing is wrong with my baby! He is perfectly fine!” Jasmine said no more, even though something inside her knew that was a lie.
Amanda got up and went into the kitchen. The pup stood. His eyes locked on Jasmine. “Where are you going?” Jasmine called. “Just going to make the baby a bottle!” “Well hurry back! Being in here alone with it is giving me the creeps!” A few minutes later Amanda returned with a bottle in her hand. The pup spun around and circled at Amanda’s feet. Amanda sat on the couch and called the pup up into her lap. Jasmine sat across the room as the pup eagerly sucked on the bottle. “Come sit next to him!” Amanda patted the couch. “Um, I’m fine here.” Jasmine sat uneasily across the room and looked over at the pup. Once again he wouldn’t take his eyes off her. And this time his eyes were blood red. Jasmine immediately redirected her gaze out the window. The sun was setting. “Well, It’s getting late, I should go.” Amanda looked disappointed. “Ok, maybe you can drop by tomorrow?” Jasmine stood and made her way to the door. “Yeah, maybe.” Immediately as she stood the pup jumped up and followed her close behind. She tried to ignore it as she stepped outside the house. “I will be home all day tomorrow, so you can stop by whenever.” Jasmine turned back to face her, then looked down at the pup. “Ok, I’ll let you know.” The pup growled barring his teeth. “I’d be careful around that thing.” Jasmine turned and walked to her car.
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125,010 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Hey there, Kevybears!
. Otherwise, happy writing!
I can see this is going to go terribly wrong already - the idea of an evil baby hyena is a little worrying. I'd be interested to see how this all plays out, for sure. However, I've got a few things to say about how this piece could be improved, so let's take a bit of time for those.
Firstly, this could definitely benefit from a few more line breaks! In general, you should start a new paragraph when you change time, place, or focus of the sentence. By that last one, I mean things like when you change from describing Jasmine doing something to the hyena pup doing something, and so on. This includes dialogue - when a new person starts talking, start a new line for them. This will help your readers out by breaking up the blocks of text, and by giving them a visual hint as to who is talking/acting.
Speaking of dialogue, I'd like to suggest you revise some of the lines you have here. The important thing with dialogue is to think about 1) whether a character would say it, and 2) whether they would say it like that. What I mean by the first point is, is the thing they are saying something they would believably say out loud just then, or are you just using it as a way of telling the reader something? I think you've got this one down pretty much, but it's something to keep in mind anyway.
More importantly in this case: the second point. For this one, it helps to read aloud what your characters are saying, and work out whether it sounds natural. Remember, most people don't speak with perfect grammar! Throughout this piece, Amanda and Jasmine both say "I will do [something]", and when it's said that often, it starts to feel unnatural - most people would probably shorten it to "I'll" when speaking, at least sometimes.
Apart from that, I don't think I've more to say - as I said, it would be interesting to see where you go with this, so do keep writing it! If you've got any questions about what I've said here, or about anything else, please feel free to send me a message - unlike your hyena, I won't bite
Cadi x
After reading some of your suggestions I think I am going to rewrite this and post a better version! I see what both of you mean and I thank you for the adivce! ^_^ I'm just trying to get back into the mode of writing right now! I havent written anything for MONTHS believe it or not! I used to write every night but then I got caught up in my relationship and school work! Not to mention EXTREME writers block! But I am glad I found this site! It is motivating me to start writing again! I will probably be posting a rewritten version of this chapter up shortly! I am glad you both liked it!
I'm glad to hear you're getting back into it - my writing has also suffered from things like uni, and starting to write stuff again is seeming quite tough >< Look forward to seeing more of this!
Wow, that is one creepy little hyena.
I don't even know if you can get those things privatly.
But this was amazing, it sucked me right in and I read it without noticing, now I'm wanting more.
You need more detail in my opinion however, I know, I've said that for like every review I've ever made, but you really do.
I want to know details of what the characters looked like, what the house looked like, what everything looked like. I have no idea what anyone here looks like.
I as a reader want to be able to immerse myself into a story, to become a character, to BE in the story.
Without details, specific details, I cannot do this.
But good work, your grammar was exquisite, and the idea is amazing. Very original.
Keep writing. Message me when you're done with your next chapter, I want to know what happens.
Good luck!
After reading some of your suggestions I think I am going to rewrite this and post a better version! I see what both of you mean and I thank you for the adivce! ^_^ I'm just trying to get back into the mode of writing right now! I havent written anything for MONTHS believe it or not! I used to write every night but then I got caught up in my relationship and school work! Not to mention EXTREME writers block! But I am glad I found this site! It is motivating me to start writing again! I will probably be posting a rewritten version of this chapter up shortly! I am glad you both liked it!