Chapter One - The New ‘Pet’
“I never thought I’d see the day that I actually own one!” Amanda had just called her best friend and was staring at the wooden crate, her gray blue eyes wide with excitement.
Amanda had just turned twenty, but was still a child at heart. Amanda had long brown hair with blonde highlights and blue gray eyes.
“Oh god, what did you get now?” Jasmine laughed.
Jasmine had been Amanda’s best friend since third grade! They consider each other sisters more than friends!
Jasmine was a tall, blonde girl with dark brown eyes; she was just a few months older then Amanda but just as childish at times.
“If I told you, you wouldn’t believe me!”
Jasmine stayed quiet, then finally replied.
“Should I be scared?”
Amanda laughed.
“Oh no! Why should you be afraid of little baby spotted hyena?”
Jasmine was shocked. A hyena? Jasmine always knew her friend was crazy but she but she never thought Amanda was this crazy!
“Why in the hell would you buy a hyena? Those things are killers!” Jasmine screamed.
“Chill out Jasmine!” Amanda said calmly. “He is just a little baby! What harm can he do?”
“What about when he gets older? Then what! When that thing is full grown he’ll be able to kill you with one bite!” Amanda laughed. She was still as calm as could be.
“By the time he is adult I will have him fully tame!”
Jasmine sighed.
“If you say so. But I’m just saying, be careful!”
“Don’t worry! I know what I am doing.”
But in reality, Amanda and Jasmine both knew that Amanda had no clue what she was doing! She had no clue what she was getting herself into!
“Why don’t you come over to see him?” Amanda asked.
Jasmine paused. Did she really want to see this future killer? She sighed.
“Okay, I’m on my way”
When Jasmine arrived at Amanda’s house she could hear the animal inside. It was ‘laughing’ as spotted hyenas were known to do. Did that mean he was happy?
Amanda lived in an average, one bedroom house Montana with a very large yard that turned into forest. Amanda opened the door.
“Come in! Hurry! Before he gets out!”
Jasmine stepped inside and almost immediately the tiny creature was making the loudest racket anyone could imagine! He was circling Jasmine with his little tail held high. He has his teeth bared and was showing off all his needle sharp puppy teeth.
The pup was no bigger than your average large breed puppy. He was nearly all black, his spots hadn’t come in yet, and he had huge round ears that didn’t quite fit his body yet!
Jasmine couldn’t help but laugh at this tiny thing that was trying so hard to be vicious! Amanda picked him up. “Now you stop that mister!” She lightly spanked him.
The pup screamed and cried as though she was murdering him! Amanda sat him back down and he ran under the couch.
“So,” She laughed. “What do you think of him?”
Jasmine smiled.
“I have to admit, he is pretty cute!”
Amanda laughed.
“I knew you’d like him once you saw him!” Amanda sat on the floor and the pup peeked out from under the couch.
He sniffed at Amanda, and then looked up at Jasmine. But when Jasmine’s eyes met with the pup’s she couldn’t help but notice something strange. His eyes flashed bright green!
“I didn’t know hyena’s eyes were green!” Jasmine exclaimed.
Amanda picked up her pup and looked him over questioningly.
“What are you talking about? His eyes are dark brown!”
“No they aren’t! They are-“ Jasmine stopped in mid sentence. The hyena’s eyes were brown again. But she could still see the evil look on the tiny creatures face. She stepped back.
“Where exactly did you get him?”
Amanda smiled and hugged her beloved hyena pup.
“He was advertised online for free!”
“Why would you get him if he was for free! You don’t know what could be wrong with him!”
Amanda shook her head.
“Nothing is wrong with my baby! He is perfectly fine!”
Jasmine said no more, even though something inside her knew that was a lie.
Amanda got up and went into the kitchen.
The pup stood. His eyes locked on Jasmine.
“Where are you going?” Jasmine called.
“Just going to make the baby a bottle!”
“Well hurry back! Being in here alone with it is giving me the creeps!”
A few minutes later Amanda returned with a bottle in her hand.
The pup spun around and circled at Amanda’s feet.
Amanda sat on the couch and called the pup up into her lap.
Jasmine sat across the room as the pup eagerly sucked on the bottle.
“Come sit next to him!” Amanda patted the couch.
“Um, I’m fine here.” Jasmine sat uneasily across the room and looked over at the pup. Once again he wouldn’t take his eyes off her. And this time his eyes were blood red! Jasmine immediately redirected her gaze out the window. The sun was setting.
“Well, It’s getting late, I should go.”
Amanda looked disappointed.
“Ok, maybe you can drop by tomorrow?”
Jasmine stood and made her way to the door.
“Yeah, maybe.”
Immediately as she stood the pup jumped up and followed her close behind. She tried to ignore it as she stepped outside the house.
“I’ll be home all day tomorrow, so you can stop by whenever.”
Jasmine turned back to face her, then looked down at the pup.
“Ok, I’ll let you know.”
The pup growled barring his teeth.
“I’d be careful around that thing.” Jasmine turned and walked to her car
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Canary word: Present
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
Salutations. Welcome to YWS!
I noticed one logistical problem in this piece: The laughing, or spotted, hyena is one of the two species of hyena that has been recorded as killing people. Having one of them as a pet without extended experience would be a really bad idea. Not to mention the fact that, without a license, keeping a hyena for a pet is illegal in the US. This:
makes me think that Amanda does not in fact have a permit. This sort of thing is easily overlooked, but it's very important to make sure your story is logical.
In terms of the writing style:
One issue here is that the tense changes a few times, going from past to present and back. Remember to keep that consistent. I'll try to point all of those out.
Also, you used a lot of exclamation marks here. As a rule, it is generally a good idea to not use them at all except for in dialogue; if you do use them, you should do so
sparingly. Using them repeatedly takes away their effect and makes it a bit annoying for the reader.
The writing style is, to me, a bit repetitive. A lot of the sentences are structured similarly and are similar lengths as well. Also, a lot of words are repeated in close proximity to each other. The goal of the writer is to be as translucent as possible, to make the reader so engaged in the story that they do not notice the writer in between them and the characters. A repetitive style makes the reader notice the writing, and brings them out of the story, making it harder for them to connect to it and feel the emotion and such.
Last thing: You may want to add in a bit more description. A lot of the writing was one thing happening and then the next; this could be improved by describing more of the world, so the reader is able to feel as if they are with the characters.
Which brings me to character:
I think the characters here could be done a little better. So far, there is nothing to distinguish them from other people or from each other. Of course, it is only the first chapter, but unique characters draw readers in, and it is important to have them in the first couple chapters to get the readers interested in the story early on.
Now for some sentence-level suggestions:
Here's an example of the repetitiveness of the writing style. Try to vary the sentence structure and word choice some more to make the writing flow better.
This goes to present tense ("consider") while the rest of the story is in past.
Than Amanda. "Then" is an adverb, and is usually used for saying that one thing happened after another; "than" is a conjunction, and is generally used to compare things. In this case, you would want "than".
When you have sentences like these, it is fine to put them together, and allows the reader to understand who is talking. For instance:
This is easier to read and clarifies who is talking.
This needs a period at the end, I should think.
This is another change to present tense.
Here, you have two choices. If she is laughing the words (or while saying the words), "she" wouldn't be capitalized. If, on the other hand, you are saying that she laughed after she said "So", then you would put a period after "so" instead of a comma and leave "She" capitalized.
Hyenas', I think. Since it is both plural and possessive, the apostrophe goes after the "s".
That should be "creature's face", because it is possessive.
All of these new paragraphs aren't necessary here. In fact, putting these all together would make the story easier to read and make it flow better.
I think you accidentally capitalized "It's".
You seem to have forgotten a period at the end of this sentence.
Well, all in all, the story is interesting and has potential, but there are some things I think you should consider or correct. Good luck with the next chapter!
Valedictions,
Wherethewindgoes
Hey KevybearsBunny!
BookLover33 here!
I love this piece of writing! The plot and story is good, but I think that you need to go back and look through your grammar and punctuation and maybe add some more description, but other then that, it was great!
Definitely write more! I can't wait to read the next part!