Young Writers Society

Hi, Keshav!

This was an interesting piece. In fact, I think it would make a very cool poem if rewritten as one. (Since, you know, it's a different style of writing.) It set up a beautiful setting (as creepy as it is) and provides a large metaphor to the message behind it. I really liked where this was going, so I'm going to see if I can give some tips to help make it even better!

The creeps of disaster ,
Attached to your accelerator .

The seduction of speed ,
spread in the blood .

Just wanted to say that I liked these couplets. Very creative!

Okay, so I think with this song, it'll be hard to give accurate suggestions only because I don't have music. The way it's formatted could very well be throwing me off. I don't know what it's like, and when read, it sounds incredibly choppy. With this kind of setting and piece, flow would be incredibly important. It would help tie everything together so it flows into an even creepier and creepier emotion for the reader.

So really my only complaint is choppiness. Maybe move things around or add/take away lines. Encourage a little more explanation in it. The thing is, a lot of people are visual learners. Taking this into account, comprehension by auditory means tends to be more complicated and requires more effort to hear. Therefore, flow is important with lyrics. One line or stanza should connect with the next. It gives it a narrative or story feel, but it's easier for the reader to follow. That way, their mind isn't jumping from one point to another until it's eventually too dizzy to finish the song. If that makes any sense!

Give a little more meaning beneath the words and show it through the metaphors that you have here. It gives the piece more meaning for the reader and can be related with much better.

It's an awesome start. I did really enjoy this, so I hope you improve upon it.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!