Young Writers Society

Hey there! GreenLight24 here with a review for you, representing team blue with a review for you as we continue I push through in his magnificent March review day!

First if all, this work was really cool. I know it's not listed as one, but I felt like the poetic elements of this story were reminiscent of poetry itself. Your descriptive talents were definitely working hard here and your imagery was great. I loves the whole image of the single beam of moonlight shining in through the window. That was awesome. As far as constructive criticism goes, I think you could go even further with that imagery and turn this into a real work of art. Happy review day! I hope this helps you and remember, never ever stop writing!

Hi there!

So, first of all, welcome to the site. I'm a junior moderator here on YWS, as is anyone else whose username is in light green, so feel free to ask us any questions you have about the site.

Okay. Now I should probably talk about your piece, yes?

I like this in that--well, for one thing, I can relate to it. But also just this nice moment--it shows that a story doesn't have to be some big to-do to be interesting.

Now, that being said, I'd like to see this expanded upon. Not because it needs to be longer, per se. It's just that, right now, this could be any person talking about any guy, you know what I mean? Because we have no sense at all of what the guy looks like, smells like, what his bedspread is like, what sorts of posters he has on his walls. And we have no sense of the narrator--we know nothing about the narrator except that she (she?) is insanely in love with this guy.

So my suggestion is, go back over this and see where you can add description. It doesn't have to be a list like "his green eyes, blond hair, blah blah blah," but just think about things that are unique to your characters. Maybe the guy has a mole on his back or gives off a ridiculous amount of body heat or has anime posters all over his walls. This is a good start, but it needs to go deeper to give us a reason to care about the characters beyond a generic "I relate to this kind of moment."

Your writing is beautiful, though. I particularly loved the line about "a rhythm of breathing that could calm a storm." That line itself is calming. It's so lovely.

Blue

I love it :3

Love or lust? Why not both?

First off, this would make a beautiful poem, so if you feel bored one day, mess around with this. It's absolutely beautiful. Rich with imagery and details and sensory overload. I just love how you took something so short and jam-packed it with lots of details, imagery that shows us just how much the narrator loves this man and how he makes her feel and it's so beautifully written. What she sees is conveyed through a wise choice of words and is delivered to us so we, too, can envision this scene and this man before our eyes.

One thing you kept messing up on was "it's." You were mixing it up with the alternate form, "its," so I suggest you look into fixing those mistakes. If you don't understand the difference, then I suggest you find some good articles on Google and expand your mind.

But other than that, this was really good. I am disappointed by the length, as it doesn't give me much to work with, but what you gave us was rich in detail and beautiful. I enjoyed it very much. Thank you for sharing!