Published September 21, 2010
There I sat, on the white woden shelf of the bathroom. I was waiting to embark on a squeeky clean journey in the tub. My heart almost jumped out of my plastic body when the little girl, Primrose, plucked me from the shelf and into the deep tub.
I heard the splash behind me as Primrose dropped Sailing Sally Sailboat into the tub also and steered her around, her sky blue sails were splashed with sploches of water.
I floated about and skimmed the water. Primrose was giggling wildly and making sound effects as she played around with Sally and I.
Primrose's mum stepped into the room, her hands dripping most likely from the kitchen sink. I watched intently as her mum wiped her hands dry on a hand towel and pursed her lips.
" Prim deary, aren't you getting tired of those old toys?" she asked. Primrose turned her head sharply and shook her head, going back to play with Sally and I.
" How about I put the duck in my garage sale today and we go shopping for a brand new toy?" I listened to her mom's frustrated voice. I looked at Primrose, her bright green eyes far away as if she was in a different world. I could tell she was considering it, if I had fingers I would have been crossing them tight that Primrose wouldn't sell us.
"Any new toy?" Primrose ventured loudly, my heart sank only leaving a little hope inside my bright yellow plastic.
Her mom sighed, " Yes Prim, any toy." My heart sank and I felt as if she had stabbed me in the back. Primrose pulled me out and set me right side up in her mom's hands.
" Take good care of him," Primrose warned her mother. Her mom walked silently outside and she set me on a big white table. She slapped a "10 cents" price tag on my back and put other old stuff out, too.
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139,616 Literary Works • 672,629 Reviews
Wasn't this a breath of fresh air? I like sweet stories like this. It reminded me of a cross between "Toy Story" and "The Doll People".
There is one occuring incident that I would like to point out:
You do this two or three times, so be sure to go back and edit them.
I know how hard it might be to get the underlined part right. My mom always used to correct me saying "No, it's 'my friends and I' are going to the movies." And although it might seem that that's how you word it here, it isn't. Let me show you the test that my mom told me about:
Separate the two nouns in the sentence.
"She played around with Sally."
That one's alright, but...
"She played around with I."
That's not right...
So that's the test. Make sure that if your 'I' stands alone alright. Ex:
"My friends and I are going to the movies."
Would be
"I am going to the movies."
Alright, so as a whole, your story, as I said before, is sweet and subtle. I think that the ending could be a bit more spectacular. You are telling us through your character that being thrown away as a toy is some horrible thing. But we don't understand because we can't get thrown away or sold. So explain to us the emotions. There are several ways you could do this. One being you could just straight out tell us that your character is sad about this (not literally of course). The other is that you could have your character tell a story about how they used to know a toy that was sold and then bought again. It was the worst moment of the toy's life, blah blah blah. Or, even better, tell us about how the child acquired this rubber duck. Was the duck passed down to the child? Did the duck used to be played with by her grandmother or something? I want more emotion so I can actually feel sad for this toy. You can't rely on Toy Story to tell the emotions of a toy for you.
Also, why does the mom even want to throw the toy away? When you explain this, you could tackle the toy's insecurities. Have the toy describe itself. Is the reason that the mom wants to throw it away because it's moldy and it's eyes are peeling off? I mean, I don't see any reason why she would want to take away her child's toy from her.
But, what you did do a really good job with was how the child acts. A kid, no matter what toy (except their favorite or their blanket or something) always wants something new; its how they are. So you handled that perfectly.
Keep writing,
Classy
This is so sweet, Kenzie! I think everybody else before me has covered everything, so all I have to say is I can't wait untill you post the rest!
Nawwww!
Maybe I shouldn't be up this late. Maybe I shouldn't have drunk all those home-made mochachinos (emphasis on the chocolate.) Because all I want to do is search the world for that yard sale, buy that yellow duckie, even if I have to use my last ten cents, and make him my best friend, and he shall live onn the side of my tub forever and ever and...
Ahem. Anyway. Maybe this was a bad time to write a review? I need a shower.
Thanks a ton, I didn't even noticed anyone reviewed this until today! : D I'll definatly work on editing it soon. Thanks so much for the reviews!
Hey Kenzie Ok first off. The name is awesome.
I agree with this. I think it's really cute.
I hope you do finish it!
~Ladypurple.
Hahaha, that was adorable. Poor ducky. *snugs it* You'll have to let me know when the rest is up.
The main thing that stood out to me is why Mom is so concerned about Prim's toys. xD Financially speaking, she'll probably lose money if she sells the old toys and buys Prim *any* toy she wants. I figure if the kid likes the toys, no use in investing on new ones. xD *jabbers*
Also, I don't think that tiny conversation will cover a whole bathtime. We can either start it in the middle of bathtime, when Mom leaves to do dishes and lets Prim soak a minute, or we can start it at the beginning and include a description of some "game" Prim plays with the boat and duck. There's a looot of potential though, and I think you'll figure something out.
Someone before me mentioned this as a possible children's book. Now that would be adorable. Also, I've been singing Ernie's Rubber Ducky song this entire time. Yup. Great job! Good luck in class.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Loved it!
It was an interesting perspective choice, from a rubber ducks point of view.
Wow, very original.
YOu really played with it to. The reader can feel the strong emotions with your beautiful descriptions
Seriously, there was nothing wrong with this piece
~WickedWonder
(CLicks the like button)
I like this! Very much like Toy Story.
I think all you need to work on is just proofreading, and for that, I really suggest you ask your mom or dad to read it over with you. That way, you'll catch all the corrections. But what you have already is quite good.
Why, hello there. I'm going to be reviewing your story
The use of the word 'tub' becomes repetitive. Wooden is also misspelled, the same goes for "squeeky" it should be spelled sqweakytodaytonight. Well, this is my first review so please bear with me.It should be 'Sally and me' not 'Sally and I'. Here's a trick I always use: Take out the Sally and see if your sentence reads well. Does "Primrose was giggling wildly and making sound effects as she played around with I" sound right? No, no it does not. You see, pretty simple, eh?
Same mistake here as the one above but I'm not going to go into detail all over again. That would be a waste of time.
Or some other verb in place of the one I gave in that sentence as an example.
You need to close the space between the quotation and the dialogue. I saw this two times before but I suppose I don't need to point them out for you. They are quite obvious.
Well, that was simple but fun to read. Something like a children's book. There was not much description but this is tolerable if you are going for the children's type of book. There were not that many mistakes and the sentences flowed pretty well. Good job and I hope you make a good grade on your project.
Twitchy
I thought this was great! It was cute and I want to find out what happens to the Rubber Duck. Most of this is just a few nitpicks.
Keep writing. It was great.
Megsug
P.S. I love Paramore.