Young Writers Society

Thank you so much!! I will work on all of the things you pointed out for me!

Heyy there, I've decided to review your piece as it seems a little lonely at the moment (: . I can see that this is the third chapter so I may ask some really stupid questions, if I do, just ignore me . All my comments or edits will be in bold and I will go through my review with you at the end. I really hope this helps you out =D

Kelsi222 wrote:Sam woke up early the next morning and hopped into a hot shower. He [s]did not[/s] hadn't slept much the night before because of what Maria had told him the previous day [so I'm guessing that Maria has told him something really big, and you've said that because of it Sam couldn't sleep. Maybe you could describe why he couldn't, what was it about it that kept him awake all night. For example (this is just hypothetically) say that Maria told Sam she was cheating on him with his best friend (let's call him Barney). So maybe last night he couldn't rid himself of the pictures he was conjuring up of the two of them together holding hands, laughing, kissing, etc. Do you get what I mean now - hopefully that should give you a head start (: ]. He knew Colby was going to have a million questions, and honestly, he was ready to kill Colby for what he had done to Maria. He wanted to tell Colby how Maria felt about him, but he had promised [who had he promised?] he wouldn’t. So [try not to start sentences with conjunctions, I know it's hard, but it makes your writing look so much better if you don't (: ] it would just have to be business as normal at the bureau [at the where?].

He arrived at the very tall glass building in his black Mustang. He climbed out and noticed Colby a few feet ahead of him walking into the building. He still wanted to shoot him in the back of his head, but that may not go over well with the director, so he decided against it. [Nice use of showing us Sam's feelings - great job (: ]

When Colby entered the building, he noticed Sam following him inside. He was happy to see his best friend, but when he saw his face, he had a feeling Maria had told [s]me[/s] him everything.

[There are a lot of pronouns being used (he/him), try and avoid that]

“Sam?” Colby asked quietly.

“What?” Sam asked glaring at him.

“How is she?” Colby asked looking down at the ground.

“Why the hell do you care Smith?” [s]He[/s] Sam couldn’t help it, he had to let it rip. “She was so god damn in love with you [s]it isn’t fit[/s] [that doesn't make sense, try rephrasing (: ]. You broke her heart into a million pieces. You treated her like shit, and she loved you, and still loves you!” Sam was yelling at Colby now and people were starting to stare at the pair. Sam grabbed Colby roughly and dragged him outside. “Are you going to say anything or just stand there?”

“Sam, I didn’t mean to hurt her that bad and..” He was cut of by more of Sam’s yelling.[Tr describing Colby a bit... the expression on his face, the look in his eyes, is his face flushed, is he raking his hands through his hair in agitation... build the character's reactions!! ]

“Damn it Colby, you didn’t mean hurt her? What the hell did you think you were doing? She thought you were dead! She mourned your death!” [Wow, a very interesting plot line, I may have to go and read the other chapters =P ]Sam continued to yell.

“Is her daughter mine?” Colby asked, that’s all he could muster out [I would cut this as it doesn't really fit, unless it's a thought of Sam's? If so, try and link the thought to him and put it in italics too]. Sam looked at him in disgusted.

“If Lily was yours, I would have killed you by now.” Sam said back to him.

“Is there any way I can talk to her? Sam please, I just really need to speak to her, and explain myself.[replace with comma]” Colby asked.

“If she wants to see you, you can. I am not going to forbid you to see her.” Sam got up in his face [s]now[/s]. “But if you hurt her again, I swear to god it will be the last thing you do. Got it?” Sam threatened. Colby just nodded and walked back into the building.

Inside, a co-worker stopped Colby and asked him what was going on between him and Sam.

“It was nothing Corey, but leave it [I would cut this as you don't really need it].” Colby replied and pushed passed him into his cubical.

“Okay then.[replace with comma]” Corey said[comma] sitting down on the opposite side and began working on his paperwork.

When Sam arrived back into the building he went inside his office and decided to call Maria.

“Hey girly, its Sam. What are you doing?”

“Nothing much Sam[comma] just hanging out with Anna at your dad[apostrophe]s. He and Max took Lily out to get ice cream.[replace with comma]” Maria replied [s]back[/s].

“Oh[comma] I see. Listen, you might hate me for this, but could you promise you won’t?” Sam asked. [I'm not getting any thoughts or feelings from Sam.. he's just a talking person at the moment, add some thoughts/feelings to his characters and it will make him so much more real and engaging, which is what we want and what I know you can achieve!! (: ]

“I could never hate you Sam. What’s up?” [Tone of voice...?]

“Okay, well when I was coming into work Colby was too. And he asked me how you were, and I just lost it. I said how much you loved him. I’m really sorry, but I wanted to make him feel guilty for what he had done. I'm so sorry Maria.” Sam said letting out a breath.

Tears started to well in [s]her[/s] Maria's eyes as Anna took her hand and mouthed, “What’s wrong?” Maria just shook her head and squeezed Anna’s hand. [Nice smooth transition from Sam's character to hers, well done (: ]

“What did he say Sam?”You need to have something like Maria said or Maria gasped before you put the Sam bit in, otherwise it's slightly confusing] Sam sighed.

“He wants to see you. I told him he would have to ask you.[replace with comma]” Sam said. Maria sniffled and Sam could tell she was crying.
[NP >>]“Maria, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

“No Sam, it’s okay. Listen, I do want to see Colby, tell him okay?” Maria said back, not believing what she had just said. She looked up at Anna, who looked just as shocked.

“Okay Maria. Do you want me to tell him to call you[deleted question mark] or what?”

“No, tell him I’ll meet him at the park. What time will he be off?” she asked.

“I can let him go in 30 minutes, if you want.”

“Perfect, Sam thank you so much! Bye.”

“Bye[comma]” Sam replied as he hung up. “Colby!” He yelled out.

[Right, what's Sam feeling through all of this.. open his character up, tell us more about him, let us get to know him so much we think he's a part of the family!!=P ]

“Yeah?” he asked. [Where's Colby come from all of a sudden, and describe him, surely he'll look slightly anxious that Sam is calling him over so soon after their shouting match?]

“She wants to see you at the park down the road from my house, now, so go! And remember what I said if you hurt her!”

“Yes Sam, thanks.” [Again, what is Colby's expression, surely he'll be surprised, and won't he want to know more?. And [you can cut this conjunction out (: ] Colby was gone.

[I would put a *** or something here to break the two apart, otherwise it won't flow as well as Anna and Maria are in a totally different place to Sam]

“You[apostrophere going to go meet him?” Anna exclaimed.

“Yeah Anna, I have to. I finally have my chance to get some answers, and I am taking it.” Anna nodded her head in understanding. [Again let us know more about Maria's feelings/thoughts. You need to get inside her head to see what she would be thinking/feeling after having agreed to see a man she loved and that she thought was dead. Surely there would be a lot more going on in her head than the blank nothing I'm getting now?]

“Okay, well good luck! And you look great!” Anna always had a fashion thing.

“Thanks and thanks. Tell Max and Alan where I am if they come back okay?”

“No problem! Bye.”

“Bye Anna.”

When Maria arrived at the park there was nobody there. She sat on the rubber swing and rocked herself gently and playing with sand that was at her feet. She did not notice him until he sat in the swing next to her.

[s]She hasn’t changed a bit[/s] [put direct thoughts into italics, he thought to himself. “Hi Maria[comma]” he said.

She shut her eyes and took in a deep breath as she looked back up at him. “Hi Colby.”[Way to end it!! Really keeps us hanging in suspense - awesome stuff!! ]