Young Writers Society

Ah, one of those poems where you can interrupt different situations, just what I like! And oh, is this a good one! And, the best part is, there is not a single thing with this that I would change. Not. A. Thing. It's short and simple, it gets to the point, but it's worded so brilliantly.

I totally get it. Or, at least what I am getting out of this is: starting something new for the first time. Or, something that you've done so many times and having to start back up again. And, when I say I totally get it, I feel for this poem, man. Referring to the mind and muscles as if it were an old machine was brilliant. I seldom find it in work I have seen lately. And, you used it well, which is a bonus.

And, those last three lines really stuck with me. Forcing a smile, trouble breathing, and just plain tired of it all... I can totally relate to that and I'm sure others can as well. Those were powerful words that were perfectly placed, my friend.

Just beautiful. I really enjoyed reading it and I look forward to see more of your work possibly...? Keep it up and great job~

If this is you rusty, I'm jealous.

Right, now that that's out of my system, on to the review.

Is this a description of an anxiety attack? It doesn't have the same frantic feeling that I experience, but I use that same breathing pattern to calm down. If it isn't, I would like to know what else you use that pattern for.

Your use of similes was absolutely stunning. The description of lungs ticking like old clocks was sheer genius, along with the earlier line about gears. In the second stanza, your description of breathing is just incredible, and there really isn't much else to say about it.

The last line is probably the strongest. It reflects so well what I and millions of others experience on a daily basis. In fact, it is probably the best description of what I refer to as the "Teen Paradox" that I've ever read.

I don't have much criticism for this one. I'd love to read something longer from you, but I think this poem is just the right length for how you wrote it. If, at some point, you do post something longer, I think I'll be writing another review.

Excellent writing, and I'm looking forward to more.

I really like the poem! Descriptive and metaphorical and maybe even a little allegorical. It is a logical train of thought and well executed. I like that you don't restrict yourself to rhyme. That last sentence really captures how most teenagers feel and it is very well put. Like I said before I think it is one big metaphor for growing up and the nervous apprehension of doing so. This is just my opinion though. You can tell it's good poetry if there can be many different interpretations of it. As for improvements the only thing I can really say is to make sure you keep it up, and stay original. If there is any feedback its on vocabulary choice which could be a bit better, for example I have no idea what a paradox on your face could refer to. If it is a metaphor I don't understand the metaphor either. Other than that I really like your poem. Keep writing!

~Pernicus