Published June 27, 2011
Waves of wrath,
like stampeding elephants, charge.
They engage in battle.
With every crest –
another blow.
Crack of lightening.
Rumble of thunder.
Drowning me.
Leaving nothing but
wreckage in their wake.
But today an unusual calm,
Stability.
A mild quiver.
The fluttering of butterfly wings.
Gentle swells
Rising and falling
like a baby’s soft breath
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I agree wholeheartedly with Tori; beautiful imagery alone does not make a poem. But you have more than that-- you have imagery describing an emotion, and you have a character, yourself.
I love the idea that these emotions--wrath, contentment(that's what I assume the second stanza is, but maybe tranquility) happen upon you, and you are simply the victim of these external forces. Expound on that; I saw it already in the poem so it must have occurred to you; the idea that emotions rage upon you rather than coming naturally from within you. So expound upon that idea-- define yourself as being attacked by these emotions, maybe name the victims (three is a good number-- wrath, contentment, melancholy?) and give another layer of depth to this poem.
While it stands, you have a handful of nice phrases, some pretty images but a half-baked idea.
A disclaimer: this is just my take on your poem; I'm sure other people have given you different advice. You can take theirs or mine or a little bit of each; it's your choice.
I don't really get what this poem is supposed to be about so its hard to critisise* it. I you gave an insight or something on what it was supposed to be about it would of been better but like I said it's hard to critisise* something that you can't get! Still keep writing
*sorry I am NOT a very good speller.
I love your poem, its has amazing imagery. Good job on it!!! I love the last part, very nice ending in my opinion.
I, for some particular reason, am drawn to this. I really like it!
It holds depth and emotion, and I understand all too well. This giant metaphor shapes the whole piece. The disturbing part, then the calming part within. Great job, really.
Amazing poem, wish I could write like that XD
-Brie
Hi there! So, this poem doesn't really strike me as anything amazing. Firstly, I can't tell what it's about. Who is 'they'? Is this poem about fighting or something? You need to give us something to visualise.
Because of that, your whole poem seems fragmented. If we knew what all those lines were describing, it would be excellent imagery. But as there's no driving point, they just feel like incomplete metaphors; jokes without punchlines.
So, give us a subject. And then everything else will fall in place. You have some pretty good descriptions and eloquent wording. We just need something to go off of.
So, overall, this isn't anything great right now. With work, it can be excellent.
Keep writing!
-Tori