E - Everyone

The O'l Vanigan- Prologue.

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A/N I know it's short, but do your best to hang in with me.  The others will be longer.

I reluctantly left the car, into the unknown "social interaction"  that was dubbed summer camp.  My mother drove away, so much for an optional escape route.  I watched what I knew to be a blue car that seemed green-ish drive off into the distance.    I walked toward the main group, just close enough to hear which cabin I went into.  I walked in there, some other girls had already set up.  I dropped my stuff on the free bed and tried to walk away before they noticed my amber eyes.  Too late.

"Heya tree sap!"  Someone yelled out, I couldn't help but think about how not- creative that nickname was.  Everyone laughed as usual, I tried to laugh along but it came out as a choked and uncertain grunt.  

"Hey, you're the one with the shrink, right?"  A girl in blue asks me, her blue eyes twinkling with mischief.  The laugh repeated itself, I was starting to hate these people more and more every second, this was going to be a long week.

Whence the gals had gotten all their giggles out, I bolted from the cabin.  The nearby rock outcropping called for attention.  I climbed up to the highest rock and crouched.  The fields were bright green, but with my amber eyes the whole thing looked like it was long dead.  But compared to most things I saw, nature was beautiful.  Vampires don't get to enjoy themselves much, my parents had known what I was since birth, and had taken care that I didn't bite anyone.  I didn't bite people, but the urge was always there, no amount of hours in a psychiatrist's office was going to change that.  

I climbed down as the sun had begun to set, golds and oranges.  Apparently we were supposed to go to a dance, get to know each other a little, I loathed to think about what the girls in my cabin would be doing after the dance.   I stared in the direction to go down, but there was something there, something that wasn't there before.  He was quite dashing.  Hes black hair was swept back, but it didn't suit him, not in the slightest.  He looked like the type that usually are the rebels.   I steered around him without looking back, he would think me crazy if he knew anything about me, or from the first point he would think I was mute.  

I reached the dance floor, garbed in a yellow dress to compliment my eyes.  My pale skin seemed to glow like the moon, and the yellow in my dress and in my eyes like the sun.  I tucked my dirty-blonde hair behind my ears.  I seemed to glide onto the dance floor.  Across from me, the same boy stood.  I held out my palm, out and above my head.  He did the same.  Our wrists met, and we spun around the pivot point it created.  Before long the action was reversed.  After promenade, and all sorts of other dances, he whispered in my ear:

"I know what you are"  

I looked up into his eyes, noticing for the first time that they were amber, the color of the vampires.

***

I came back to the dance floor late at night when all the others were asleep, he was waiting there.  I put my hand out and over my head and pivoted around the point my wrist created, inviting him to dance with me.  He shook his head and pointed outside, I couldn't see what he was pointing at, but after following him I discovered that it was a rope course.  And we were to navigate it in total darkness.   I did my best, but I always found myself back at the bottom.  He informed me of the telepathic communication of the Vampires, and he was surprised at how much I had to say.  I asked him about morphing into a bat, whether it was really possible or just one of the human's folktales.  

"It's possible, but I usually end up with a human figure, claws for hands, and the nose of a hog-nose bat."

I laughed at that.  This rattled him a little because it wasn't just in my thoughts.  I could hear his thoughts take the form of a smile, by hear, I mean I had already learned how to echolocate.   I climbed, the ropes suddenly made sense to those clumsy hands of mine, I didn't need to see, to hear what I was doing.  I reached up for the next rope, and the next, and the next, until I reached up and there were none there.  I sat on the top rope, waiting for him.  It had occourred to me that I didn't know his name.   I sent the telepathy message to him, he responded when he reached the top.

"Quilin"

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
Pan
Review
Pan wrote a review · Sun Oct 26, 2014 2:31 am

Pen Again.

So I've read this, and the main thing that I want to point out is that in the prologue you say he has black hair. In chapter one, he has blonde hair.
I don't know if this was purposefully, or maybe he changed it, but that's confusing because you don't mention it.

I think you have a really good idea here, as vampires are stereotypically evil, and you say that the MC is going to be a hero.
I like that idea. Making something that has always been perceived as a villain into the opposite, it makes you think about it.

I just find it rather rushed. If you add more dialogue, it wouldn't be as short. Instead of lumping everything together into one paragraph, maybe you can spread it out, add more content, because I'm going to be a little frank with you; the length and content you have right now makes it boring.
Don't get me wrong, because I am still very much interested in where this is going, I just want to help you. Other readers might become bored with this.
I suggest adding some “meat” into your stories, something with pizzazz.
Writing is like cooking, you don't want it to be too bland. Add something to make it interesting.

Hopefully I'm not being too harsh, but my main point is that you need to space it out more. Make it more tasty and interesting. You also want to mare your sentences more coherent, and make them easier to read and understand.

Happy review day! <3

User avatar
Soulkana
Review

Hi Kelpies!

Okay so I wanted to start of saying that this is a very good plot to me. Anyways. You should set the scene a bit more in the beginning. Describe the campgrounds. What does it look like? Are the cabins all the same in appearance? Is there a volleyball net or some sport areas set up? Were there canoes with a pond nearby? Has the narrator been there before? Did she like it there or did she start to dislike it over time? Maybe expand a bit more on the girl's past? How did her parents take how she was? Were they tense about her? How did she deal with school? What does she look like besides her eyes? Is there a reason the girls gang up on her and call her that nickname? Did that nickname have a specific meaning to her appearance or personality?

You have a few spelling errors when you are describing the guy. The word "Hes" should be "His". I do like your idea and think you can expand more on the guy. What was he like? How did she react when he said he know what she was? It is an interesting story and I can't wait to read more. I'll be on the look out for the next chapter!

Sincerely,
Soulkana

User avatar
Dracula
Review

Dreams! I love it when people write stories based on their dreams. And thank you for not making it like Twilight, that fandom irritates me. No offence to the people in the fandom of course, they don't irritate me... Twilight does. Anyway, it's review time!!

I reluctantly left the car, into the unknown "social interaction" that was dubbed summer camp. My mother drove away, so much for an optional escape route. I watched what I knew to be a blue car that seemed green-ish drive off into the distance. I walked toward the main group, just close enough to hear which cabin I went into. I walked in there, some other girls had already set up. I dropped my stuff on the free bed and tried to walk away before they noticed my amber eyes. Too late.

Although this first paragraph does set the scene, I would like to know more about the camp grounds. What does it look like? What does her cabin look like? Are there trees? You get the point. :) That would help me to imagine what's happening a bit better.

Why dis they give her a nickname? Describe her to us, please.

I didn't bite people, but the urge was always there, no amount of hours in a psychiatrist's office was going to change that.

You wrote a good, simple backstory. No improvements are needed there. :D

I stared in the direction to go down, but there was something there, something that wasn't there before. He was quite dashing. Hes black hair was swept back, but it didn't suit him, not in the slightest.

Since she knows he's a human, you should call him 'someone'.

I'm not sure that a girl would trust a strange guy right away. You should tell us what she's thinking and why she does suddenly trust him, especially when she thought he looked like a rebel.

Just fix those few things and you'll have a nice chapter with a good introduction to the story. Nice job!

Something was there on purpose :D. And the part about trusting... Did I mention that he was a vampire? I should mention that he was the first other one I had seen...

Thanks for the review!



are we even writers if we never did huge research and used none of it?
— Kay (NovemberCrow)