They say that every time a hero is born, another star appears in the sky. But not all hero's are born that way, take a shy girl, born a vampire and always regretting it, no star appeared for her, but she is, by a force of nature, a hero. Amber eyes earning her the name tree-sap, she had always just wanted someone who could understand her. Well she got her wish...
***
I opened the van's door, Quilin my fellow vampire stood there, holding the bundle of wire I had requested. I smiled and gave him a kiss, I only spoke in thought, but with him around, I didn't even need that. His blonde hair was swept back, as usual, making his amber eyes less noticeable. He had a black leather jacket on, he looked like a tough guy, you get the gist. He gave me a slight hug in return. He left about five minutes later, leaving me to tinker with my van's wiring.
That o'l van had never worked. It was a gift from my father for my eighteenth birthday, just big enough so he could get me out of the house. Quilin's manager had allowed me free access to the parking lot, I only took one space and did not disturb the flow of customers. Quilin worked at a car repair place in the city, right by the highway. It was quite a good thing because almost everyone has their engine give out on the highway at least once in their lives. After Quilin went back to work, I locked and barred the door, feeling the wood of the bar sliding across my palms. I felt as if you would have if you had you had that famous dream in which you rush to school and find yourself arriving there naked when the van wasn't locked and barred. I tinkered with the wiring for a while, messing with the radio signal. I heard a signal coming through now, something about break-ups and how to deal with them, I turned the radio off, why would I need that garbage? Quilin knew it would end me if he left, and he cared too much to do that to me.
***
Dredri arrived at my door, she had arranged to spend the night at my van, you know, some girl time. Her pillow was cushioned under her arm, that was the only thing that wasn't already in the van. I ushered her in with a smile. She smiled back at me, she had forgotten to hide her fangs. No matter, no one was going to see her smile, or anything for that matter in the van. We talked forever, yelling in our minds as a pillow fight took place.
This was one of the last normal days I had.
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Overall...this is looking like a relatively solid start here to a story...you've got the essentials of a first chapter covered relatively well...the only thing I didn't quite enjoy is the two skips in scene with pretty short gabs...but that's not too bad here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...well that's not a saying that I have personally heard but I would buy that, it certainly seems like a pretty cool saying there....that aside, well it appears our protagonist is one of those who aren't quite a vampire in the tradition sense...well at any rate, this is a lovely little paragraph to start a first chapter off with here...it almost seems like this could just double as a blurb of sorts to this story cause it has that vibe to it...and well it is intriguing.
Hmm...well that's an interesting way to introduce that character, it almost seems a tiny bit glossed over there but then it is written in the form of this person describing them so it does kinda work here...cause you do manage to sneak in a couple of details pretty seamlessly here at any rate.
Okay...looks like this is just a pretty normal day with this person doing some pretty normal things there...and we just sorta get a tiny bit of background info about this person, the relationship they have with this Quilin fellow and then just sort of the daily routine I suppose. Its a neat bit of information, certainly helps you try and understand these two as characters which is helpful for a first chapter here.
Well...another pretty normal scene there of just what I assume this person hanging out with a friend there...another innocent scene that it skips to...now I am wondering why this is jumping around quite as much to depict the various friendships here but...well it does manage to flow well enough, and that ending...well..it certainly does a wonderful job ensuring we readers definitely want to check out what comes next...with a statement as ominous as that one.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall...looking like a pretty solid first chapter, I had maybe one nitpick to point out up there but for the most part it does its job as a first chapter very well here. This certainly seems like a story that I would read.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
If I repeat something the other reviewer did, I apologize. I didn't take the time to read it like I usually do, but you know how review days go. xD
You need to break this up, as right it's a run on sentence that gets really jumbled. You can break it up using periods or semi colons, whatever toy prefer. I actually think it should be three sentences, as it will allow each idea to really "punch" your readers, rather than letting them all flow together. I would suggest the following, but there are many ways you could do it.First, I loved your opening sentence. It immediately pulled me into the story. Overall your first paragraph did a great job of introducing the conflict. But I am going to nitpick that first paragraph.
Since these are two distinctly separate thoughts, you should make them their own sentence, as connected them together makes them read weird. Also, consider changing the first clause too, "Her amber earns earned her the name tree sap," It'll make it read better.
At this point, I realize you write a lot like I used to write, which was kind of fun for me. So believe, all these mistakes you made, I made these in my writing as well...many, many times.
Now, on to other nitpicks:
Again such a tiny, tiny thing, but you need a comma after Quillin and vampire in this sentence. I know that'll put a lot of commas in this sentence, but it's okay to have super complex sentences every now and then. As long as you intermix them with some short sentences you 're good. Little note, always remember to vary your sentence length in writing. It helps keep your readers engaged.
Again, the commas aren't the right thing to use here. Between the first two clauses you need either an and after the comma or to replace the comma with a period. And the second comma should probably just be a period.
When a story is in first person, we know if something is narrated then your Point of view character sees or hears it. So, you can delete, I heard, and leave the sentence like this. "A signal came through now..."
Okay, that's the end of my nitpicks. I really liked how you introduced the conflict in this. It was fresh, original, and engaging. You also have a way with words that immediately made me interested. I definitely see a ton of potential in this, and I'm excited to see what you do with it.
There are some things I think you can improve on. One is there seemed to be unnecessary backstory/background details. Like where Quilin works. It doesn't really move the plot forward, and it feels like you're just telling us to tell us. Unless it's important to the plot I would recommend deleting it. Also, if you really need to include background information, be subtle about it. Weave into your character's thoughts and the action of the chapter. Just telling the audience background stuff pulls them out the story because it reminds them this is a story, and not real life, and you want to avoid that as much as possible.
The other thing you could really use is some description. While you never want to overdo it with description, a few distinct details can really bring the story to life and make it more vivid. Much in the way you want to weave in backstory, try to wave in this description. Also, the more senses you can use, the better. Don't only tell us what things look like, but what they sound like, feel like, smell like, taste like...
Anyway, that's all I got. Happy writing!
Hiya! Pen here with a review day gift!
First off, I want to pick, so here we go.
Hero's- in the second sentence, you say 'But not all hero's are born that way...'
Here are my nitpicks—the word 'but'. This term connects two ideas, and we were taught in grade school not to use it to start a sentence with. It's aceptable, but if you want to sound more formal, I suggest using the term 'however.' Secondly, hero's is incorrect. Using an apostrophe shows posession. An apostrophe plus s is never added to make a noun plural--even a proper noun.
'However, not all heroes are born that way.' This is how the sentence should look.
To continue that sentence, you say, 'take a shy girl, born a vampire and always regretting it...' It should say, 'Take a shy girl, born a vampire and had always regretted it;' you want to add a semicolon to connect these two parts, because they could very well be separate sentences.
Then you write, 'no star appeared for her, but she is, by a force of nature, a hero.'
'I opened the van's door, Quilin my fellow vampire stood there'
Change this sentence to, 'I opened the van's door, and before me stood Quilin, a fellow vampire.'
Then you added, “holding the bundle of wire I had requested.”
Personally, I would change this to say, I would also make this into a separate sentence. “In his hand was the bundle of wire I had requested.”
'I only spoke in thought, but with him around, I didn't even need that. '
This part makes no sense. I would alter this to be more comprehensible.
Perhaps you could say, “I never spoke, and only communicated through thoughts, but with Quilin around, it was if I didn't even need that.'
'His blonde hair was swept back, as usual, making his amber eyes less noticeable' Why the emphasis on 'his'? And why are they less noticeable? If his eyes are amber- which I think it a rather gorgeous color- and actually showing, I would imagine that all of the MC's attention is focused on his eyes.
He had a black leather jacket on, he looked like a tough guy, you get the gist. We don't get the gist- delve more into his appearance and what exactly made him look tough. Is he muscly? Talk about his lean muscles and how you can see them through the thick jacket.
Maybe you can say that it was the jacket specifically which made him look tough.
“He left about five minutes later, leaving me to tinker with my van's wiring.”
That's a major time skip for barely three sentences into the story. Maybe add that he watched as the MC worked, then suddenly had to leave for some reason. Instead of a vague, “he left five minutes later'. That makes the story bland and makes the readers want to skip over that.
I'm not going to pick at every sentence, even though it seems as if I will. Mainly my point is that it doesn't flow very well. Maybe you can go through and reread it, or even check your grammar and sentence structure through some online site.
I haven't read the prologue, which I'm going to do shortly, and despite it being a good read, there are just some parts that don't flow very well, in my opinion. Anyways, happy review day!