z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Labyrinthian Mind- Chapter 1

by Kelpies


A/N I will need people to bug me to write the next chapter, if any of you could do that for me I'd greatly appreciate it.

I rested my doll against my side, watching as just below the surface of this universe, the goblins watched me. They were watching until I made a wish that would trick me into entering their realm, and leading me to their king. They did not know that I was watching them back, nor did they know that they and their leader had been outsmarted. Not one of them knew who I was, even the king thought that I was an innocent country girl, with a family that hated her. This was all a trap of my own design, for I knew that he lured girls into his realm with his own delusion, that he had fallen in love. These girls rarely escaped, and withered away, spirit spent and soul faded deep within his castle. It was not love that this excuse for a man wanted, it was an adorer. Someone who worshipped him as if he were a god, but he only seemed to choose girls that would never submit to such a thing willingly, and so by the time they finished his challenges, their spirit was broken, and he lost interest in them. I had watched this process from afar, my friends spying for me. The wind whispered in my ear of the goings-on inside his realm, of the challenges he set for the girls, they had to retrieve something they loved from him before it became one of his minions. Few succeeded, and finally I couldn't stand to watch this perverted play one more time, so I set a trap of my own.

I now knew that he was interested in me, and it was time to make my wish. I wished that I would never see my evil mother again, and she disappeared. I was satisfied, one of my most intricate enchantments had served it's purpose, and was waiting for me in the castle of the demon king. I pretended to look for her, my act perfectly mimicked a panic-stricken young girl. I ran from room to room, checking every alcove and cupboard. When within the hour, the goblin king had not appeared, the frantic search became real. I had one more trick that I had mastered, I curled up in a ball and began to cry. I took shaking, stuttering breaths, until I felt a presence behind me. My dimples appeared, as they only did when I was happy. I had a cover-story for this too.

I turned towards him, grinning as my whims demanded;

"Mother!" I yelled as I turned, grin vanishing when I saw the king. He wasn't exactly how I expected him to look, he had white hair, but looked much too young for it to be natural. He may have been in his thirties or forties, which was probably no comparison to his real age.

"You don't need her anymore. Come with me, we shall play such fun games in my castle." He said, he took my hand. His touch was softer than I had expected, more like a family member.

"Is t-that where m-mum is?" I had added the stutter to my character as one more detail to convince him of my innocence.

"You can have anything you want in my castle. But you have to forget your mother."

"Anything?". I questioned, he nodded.

"I w-want my m-mother back!" I yelled.

"Sakura, you don't know what I'm offering you. All your wishes, all your dreams will come alive as soon as you forget about her." He seemed to genuinely care that I got what I wanted.

"But I need my mother back.". I said, on the edge of tears.

He rolled his eyes, a blue butterfly with wings in the pattern of a monarch butterfly walked across his palm. "Catch this butterfly before the sun sets tomorrow, and I'll give your mother back. Fail, and she'll become a goblin like the rest of my people."

"Deal!" I shouted, maybe a little too quickly. To make up for this, I practically climbed up him to catch the butterfly in his palm. He grunted as I used him as a launching platform to reach the flying butterfly. I knew that following the butterfly was only the first challenge, my dignity had forbidden me to take them easy way out, the easy way to his castle. I knew that either way I would end up in his castle in the end. The butterfly flitted in front of my eyes. It was getting too far away for me to track. I ran for many hours, but the butterfly stayed just out of reach. I could feel the shift as the world changed from the one I knew to the realm of the goblin king.

After a few more hours, I was utterly exhausted. Only then did I really stop to take in my surroundings. I was in some sort of orchard. I sniffed the air, which smelled of the most wonderful, juicy fruits. I suddenly realized that I was famished, and the saliva pooled in my mouth as I stared at the tempting array.

It's a trick. My mind told me, but I really couldn't help myself as I plucked a juicy-looking orange from a branch. As I was peeling it I realized that I probably shouldn't eat anything here. I threw the orange on the ground, revolted at how easily I had caved. I got up and started walking again, all the smells bombarding my nose Eat me, eat me they seemed to say Eat me, eat me! After a while, I came across a small blackberry bush, berries ripe in the vine. One won't hurt, it's such a small piece! I thought, plucking one and resting it in the palm of my hand. I popped it in my mouth, savoring the juice as it slipped down my throat. My eyes shut as I enjoyed the juice, and it was several moments before I realized I was asleep.

When I opened my eyes again I was in a ballroom, and some sort of masquerade ball was going on. I was wearing a dark maroon dress, with black gauzy patterns covering it. It was my kind of dress, not too dark but not too light either. I was taller than I had been when I was awake. My hands went to my face, I sighed in satisfaction as I felt that my original face was back, high protruding cheekbones and all. I held a lock of my hair in front of my face, back to it's original silky black. I was back in my form, not my silly disguise for the goblin king.

...But what if this was his dream? What if this was one more temptation for me? Panicked, I hid behind my hands, searching for something else to hide behind.


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Sat Mar 12, 2016 10:20 am
Mea wrote a review...



Hey there, here for a quick review on this. And although it's March now, consider yourself bugged to write the next chapter. xD

All right, so, first off I agree with pretty much everything the previous reviewer said. Especially about the first few paragraphs. It's great that the plot is getting off to a start already, but really, there's a reason the plot often doesn't truly kick off until chapter two. And that's because you need to introduce everything.

Right now, I'm very confused. It's clear this doesn't take place in the normal universe - it almost feels like a fairy-tale, with the goblin king and the girl trying to beat him.

So where are they? What is the girl's normal life like? How did she come to be facing the goblin king? Although not all of these questions need to be answered immediately, they should be answered early on in the story.

Something in particular that confused me was that I didn't understand why she wanted her mother sent away, nor exactly why she went to all the trouble of the act. I also didn't understand why chasing the butterfly would help her get rid other the goblin king or whatever she's trying to do.

The main other things I'll say besides advising you to slow down and explain things is that your paragraphs are way too long, especially in the beginning. Paragraphs should not be more than 100ish words, unless you're Tolkien or Jane Austen. Remember to break them up whenever something different happens, the train of thought changes, and when there's a new line of dialogue.

And that's all I've got for you - I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful, it was just rather confusing. Good luck with this, though!




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Sun Jan 31, 2016 6:05 am
BookWolf wrote a review...



Haha, this was cute. :D Sorry if you meant for it to be dark and serious, but I found it to be light and fun, which, in this case, I think works perfectly. Before I begin, however, here are some mistakes I noticed:



"He wasn't exactly how I expected him to look, he had white hair," The 'he had white hair' part and everything after it should be its own sentence, both for flow reasons and for proper sentence structure.

"I questioned, he nodded." 'he nodded' should be its own sentence, too.

"them easy way out," 'them' should be 'the', I think.

"not too dark but not too light either." In the sentence just before this one, you told us that it was a DARK maroon dress, and maroon is already a deep color, so to describe it as dark, that means it's probably almost black. This sentence here contradicts what you've already told us, which is bad. This can easily be fixed by just removing the word 'dark', leaving just 'maroon'.



Okay, so, first off let me say that your opening paragraph is . . . confusing. Basically, all I have is an image of a girl pretty much floating somewhere in space since you haven't given me any indication of where she is whatsoever. Actually, throughout the entire story I have no idea where we are. I'm assuming a castle because the king mentioned it, but other than that I have no world to build off of. You must always add descriptions about where your characters are, otherwise your reader will be focusing on trying to find some clue about the location rather than paying full attention to the story.

Another thing I have to say is that your characters are somewhat flat. Remember, while a good plot is very important, character personalities are just as, if not more so, important. The girl--I don't even know her name--seems very cookie-cutter style, which means basically anyone could be her. As of right now, she has nothing readers can relate with and has very little appealing traits. I understand that this is a first chapter, but there should still be some trace of personality showing through somewhere. Sorry, but I just don't see it.

You're plot I'm very interested in. It seems that you've done a fair amount of work on it and it shows. It doesn't seem complete, however, nor all the way clear. I think if you took the time to slow down and describe things, this would be a very, very good first chapter. Now I'm not saying this is bad, it's rather good and I enjoyed reading it, there are just some things that should be changed or built upon.

As with every story published on this site, this needs work, and that's okay because you can make it perfect, just with a little bit of time and effort. Hopefully you can get this at least one step closer to that goal because of this review, which I hope you found somewhat helpful. If not, I'm sorry. Perhaps someone else can do a better job than I.

Nice job, Kelpies. :) I wish you luck in future works.

- BookWolf




Kelpies says...


Thanks! This helped a lot. About her character though, it's supposed to surface gradually, because she's really trying to hide who she is.




The best books... are those that tell you what you know already.
— George Orwell, 1984