A/N This has gone through no editing, since, after all, it was for NaNo. And just so you know, this is a long one, a thirteen parter. The others will be shorter I do tell you.
The Daughter of the Wind and Sea- The First Part
So, it's here that the story really begins. It begins at the end of the earth, where the wind swirls 'round in circles and the sea splashes up against the air although it is not any denser. This is where I was born. The daughter of the wind and sea. I was born without the ability to hear, what normal people would call deaf. I could talk from the moment I was born though, but because I could not hear myself, my voice always sounded odd. The waves cradled me In their wake, carrying me to see the land, to learn to walk. But they knew that I was not like them, I was partially human. The genetics didn’t work, but somehow, that’s how I ended up. I needed to learn how to be a human, how they acted around each other.
And this wasn’t going to be easy for any of us.
For one, no one realized I was deaf until quite recently, when I applied for quire with all of my friends. I tried to sing, but all that came out was the wrong notes and much laughter at my expense. But I was used to the laughing, no matter what people always found something to make fun of another for. Any diversion from the crowd could land you in a sticky situation. According to the teachers, I was perfect. I could get 108% on any quiz I wanted. In fact, if I wanted I could do a double-octave scale in band and get a 200%. But, none the less I got teased. I doubt there’s anyone on this earth who has not been teased. Once, I lost my temper, and a window came down and cracked itself on that idiot’s head.
Served her right.
and that was when I realized I had powers, powers more than any other human. That may have been because I’m not human. I’m the daughter of two of the first race, and now, I’m 300,000 years old, humans have changed a lot, but I’m still only a teen. And this is where my story begins, a story of sadness and anger, happiness, and vengeance. This story isn’t just a story-
It’s destiny.
Modern Science- Second Part
So, there is such a thing as magic.
I thought that was wishful thinking on behalf of the unfortunate.
Oh yea, I’m Reggie.
That’s my nickname anyway, my real name is Richard Harold Grentuil.
Not the most extraordinary name, what’s extraordinary is Sansa.
Sansa was my best friend through all of my childhood years. She always looked older than me, but now that I’m 16, we look almost exactly the same age. She hasn’t aged a day since I met her, that one day at the park. She taught me, her words could teach me faster than any amount of books and numbers on paper. An addition sign made a cookie in my mind, same with subtraction. The equal sign was the cookie tray, how many cookies were on the tray right then and there? When it was subtraction, the wind came and ate some cookies. When it was addition, the sea brought in a whole new tray of cookies. This may not make sense to everyone else out there, but it makes sense to me, because that’s how Sansa taught me.
My real love was science, everything had an explanation there, except Sansa. Yea sure, it may have been possible to make someone live forever, but how do you explain the window “Falling” onto a little girl’s head when she told me I would never amount to anything, and the only one there that was furious was Sansa. And the time the banks of the Nile flooded, and Sansa had gone on “a business trip” to the Nile River Basin. Why would she have gone on that trip though? She has a fear of crocodiles. Or when I was a kid and the pillow cushions started to dance. All my little sisters dolls paired with a pillow from the living room, dancing in the air as if across a dance floor. And the only person in the house besides me, was Sansa.
Now, this may sound weird to you, well, it sounds weird to me too. I mean, a girl that science fails to explain, and yet she can explain science. It seems as if our lives are as two strands of thread in a panel of embroidery. Forever intertwined, but the colors are two totally different shades. I imagine her as a sea-like green, and I imagine me as a red, almost scarlet- but a little closer to brown. Both strands curving around each other, and in my mind, the red string ends long before the green one. This only makes sense, if she hasn’t grown since I was a baby, then she will probably going to live a whole lot longer than me.
I just hope she misses me.
And at that moment, Sansa entered the room, interrupting my musings.
“Hi Reggie!” She said in her usual cheerful way.
“Hi Sansa.” Was it just me or did I sound like Spock in Star Trek the original series?
“Any homework you need help with?”
“I’m having trouble with question five part three.”
She read the question, which was more than a paragraph long- and then she answered it in under a sentence.
“How did you do that”
And she explained the process, in that fast-way of hers. I wasn’t really listening, like that time you asked your teacher a question but was too tired to listen to the answer and fell asleep while she was still talking. A minute later she asked if I was listening. I didn’t hear her until the tenth time she said that.
“See you Reggie.”
“Where you going?”
She muttered something about the Goalie’s drainpipe and ran off.
She did odd jobs for a living, unblocking drains, cleaning toilets, the works.
That was the last normal day I saw for a long time.
Triple Weird with Added Weird- The Third Part
Yep, the goalies drain pipe was clogged. This job was going to be soooo easy. I just identify what type of inanimate matter resided in there and pulled it out using elemental magic. Piece of cake. What A surprise when I get there and meows are emanating from the pipe.
“Klingon has been in there for three hours” The goalie told me, and oh yea, his name was Mao.
Oh yea, did I forget to mention that I can only control inanimate matter? Not anything living. This wasn’t going to be fun. Unless… It was worth a shot.
I was correct, the little kitten “Klingon” was soaked. The water was inanimate and therefore easy to control. He slid right out, just needed a pull in the right direction.
I must be out of practice, Klingon ended up on the roof; I pushed instead of pulling.
Mao was in a state, he was rubbing his knuckles against his palms like his life depended on it, that’s what he did when he was worried, or stressed.
“Klingon, come!” I said as I pulled the water towards me in such a way that it looked like Klingon was bounding into my arms.
Mao started talking to Klingon in chinese, I didn’t mind, that’s probably how he spoke to his cat on a normal basis. He handed me a couple bills for my trouble and went back into his house. People and their cats, frankly, I didn’t get the concept of pets. Pets are just more responsibility and less time to yourself. I like my life with as few have-to’s as possible. This was one of those unextraordinary days where you just do what you’re supposed to do, no more and no less.
And then things started to go weird.
I went home, plopped down on the couch, and watched TV. What I saw made my heart stop.
Someone was advertising androids as servants, he taught it new words, and showed that it was capable of anything a human could do.
My brain-gears were whirring; capable of anything a human could do?
“What about murder?
What about thievery?
What about….? Eww, don’t even want to go there.”
The next day, live filming of the talents of the androids took place. Crowds of people were gathered.
“If you asked me, those androids are going to be trouble some day” I said to Reggie.
“I didn’t ask you, and I personally am going to buy one as soon as they are available.”
Then I heard something that made me shiver.
“And no need for bodyguards! The middle finger of the androids is not only a cuss word, but a gun in disguise. It could watch out and protect the celebs.”
One more way they could kill their owners. This wasn’t going to end well.
I got up, and walked out the door, saying something about Alex’s toilet sounding like Moaning Myrtle, this time it wasn’t true. I was going to see where these androids were made, how they were made, and if they had the potential I thought they had. It was open, I knew because the crowds watching the demonstration were in a large room, if you looked close enough you could see some machinery.
Call it breaking and entering, but I easily manipulated a couple padlocks to open a few gates, I just needed to see what was going on here. Ok, more than a couple and a few, that place was heavy security. I’m pretty sure someone noticed, because someone found me. A caterer for the guests.
“May I help you?”
“Yes, can you show me the area in which the androids are made?”
“Oh no, that’s top secret that is.”
“Ok, then I’d like a sardine sandwich thanks.”
Ha! I knew that would work, who has sardines in a place for the rich? No one likes sardines! The caterer looked at me weird, then left in search of sardines that weren’t there. Time to find this “top secret” area. I had snitched a map from that caterer, which showed a couple “top secret” areas. This was going to be a long search.
***
On my third try for the correct “top secret” area, I arrived at my goal. I saw an assembly line of androids, shining silver plating, and every other color. Nothing unusual;
Accept the working conditions. Sawdust was spraying everywhere, only it wasn’t wood;
It was metal. Sharp fragments of steel flew through the air, if one stood here for too long you would die of so many metal punctures. But there was no one working in this environment, just the androids; nothing else. The androids didn’t just have guns, they had knives, saws, and everything else needed to make another android. As long as they had enough materials they could make another android.
But wait…
The building androids were adding extra metal to the new ones. They could make another one out of themselves. This reminded me of people… That thought made me shiver.
I slinked away from the room before anyone (or any android) noticed I was there,
Or did I?
Government’s Blanket- The Fourth Part
Can you believe it? Sansa was watching the television with me one minute, and the next she was muttering about Moaning Myrtle, and walked out the door. Wait, maybe she’s met Moaning Myrtle, maybe she’s a wizard.
Ok, that’s my explanation for now, Sansa went to school with Harry Potter.
Somehow, I don’t think that would work.
I mean wizards aren’t scientifically possible, therefore they are impossible. Sansa is just subject to a coincidence. Wait, that sounds too much like fate, which is also impossible. Sansa just always ends up in the wrong place at the wrong time, there I think that explains it. Unless…
My brain kept leading me in circles, until Mom entered the room interrupting my thoughts.
“Mo-om, can you knock next time?”
“Scientifically impossible” She said with a smile.
I thought about saying some choice remarks about science, but decided against it since I was still living in her house.
“It’s the phone, Sansa is texting the home phone”
She called it the “home phone”, but it was really a “smart” phone, frankly, I was smarter than it was.
“trs smtin rong wit da android prodocdin, I cn fel it n my bons”
I hat txting language.
“Use proper grammar, and there’s nothing wrong with it. It’s just the new and latest advancement in tech.”
“Tech is not a technical term.”
“watever.”
“Correction: Whatever, and don’t you dare get me sidetracked.”
“K”
She flashed me with an angry face emoticon, then proceeded to explain.
“I’ve been to the factory, seen them made. They make others like them, I think they’re making an army”
“Don’t be daft, or dumb for that matter.”
“I’m going to punch you when I see you next, and someday you’ll wish you started to fight back with me.”
At that moment, I saw an ad, an ad for androids. They were now for sale.
“Hang on a moment, I’m going to be the first to phone in and buy an android.”
I hung up and called the company, doubtless Sansa was throwing a fit like a toddler.
“I’d like a class one android.”
“What color?”
I pondered for a moment.
“Orange.”
“Orange is out of stock sir.”
“Red then.”
“Red is out of stock.”
“What color is not out of stock?”
“Every color is out of stock.”
So I guess I wasn’t the first one to call, so what?”
I got back onto Sansa’s text, strangely enough, I only got a few rude comments, and then she got off of it. Strange, especially for my persistent Sansa.
I scrolled up at the other texts looked more closely at them, and then it really hit me;
She wasn’t kidding when she said “fight back with me.”
Android, Smashdroid- A Part Six
Hello, I am Kookaburra. I’m sorry that it isn’t Sansa or Reggie, but I think I’m the most qualified to tell this part of the story.
So, you arrive back at home, after work, yes? And a package has arrived, yes? You are anticipating the android you rented for your wedding shower to serve drinks, yes? Well, you bring it in, and eagerly open the crate, at first, you’re pickled because it’s color is not what you ordered, and brown would contrast with your room full of blue dresses. So you pick up the phone to call the company and protest/fry their brains with complaints, and what happens? The android (without any orders I might add) got right up out of the box by itself, and held it’s middle finger up at me. Now not only was this a death threat, but it was also implying something that I am definetly not responsible for.
It backed me into the corner as I rapidly told the “woman” (an automated voice made to sound like a woman really) about this such situation. Next thing I knew, the android had smacked me across the face and sent me into the land of dreams, where the sea washes up against the end of the world commingling with the wind and creating… A form. A beautiful baby girl; and in this dream, the girl grew up quickly, and gestured in my direction. I yelled out to her, about how we were all in danger, and she looked back at me, her mouth moving but I could not hear a word.
The water had splashed into a puddle on the shore, and I looked at myself in it, but it was not myself I saw;
I saw the girl at the end of the world.
The mouth in my reflection muttered one word;
Sansa.
What a Knockout!- The Part Seven
I wasn’t heading for the factory, contrary to what poor Reggie thought.
I was heading down the streets looking for crates labeled Humanized Industries.
I found one less than a block away. Well, I didn’t find a crate. I just found a brown android walking away from house number 23214398 YOLO drive. I hoped that androids counted as inanimate.
I tried to control the android, it somehow detected a threat, and threatened me with it’s deadly middle finger.
“No such tricks work on me brownie.” What a laugh, bullets? Piece of cake.
“Nin, Jiang Gui.”
Of course, everything was made in china nowadays. This was perfect, threat to the world and I couldn’t understand a word it said.
“Nin, Jiang Gui. Huo Si”
“look dude; can I call you dude? I speak english, not chinese.”
“Nin Jiang Si.”
It fired it’s finger-gun-thing, the bullet came around and hit him in the side of the head. Compliments of yours truly.
Now that thing was starting to get mad. “Ren di Si Si Si Si Si, Daima Hong, Keyi Bu Sha. Ren di Si Si Si Si Si Si Si Si Si Si Si Si Si Si Si Si Si Si Si Si Si Si Si Si Si Si Si”
Time to deal with this one for the moment.
I brought in the earth around it, encasing it in dirt. I brought it towards me and fired it like a bullet. I knew where it landed, right in the middle of a volcano. Then, some lava with the android in it splashed out and into the sea.
The android was now encased in obsidian.
I knew it probably wasn’t going to hold it long, but long enough that I could see what’s going on and make sure it didn’t kill anyone. Looks like I may have to get a lawyer, there was a woman in the kitchen of the house the android was walking away from,
phew, she was breathing.
I found a little piece of paper, I had to write her a note, she would wonder what happened to her iron servant.
Hello anonymous woman,
I don’t know you, but I know what happened to your android. It was threatening the lives of america, and I see that it may have threatened you as well. I dealt with it, and I am willing to compensate you financially if you may find me. I go by many names, you may call me the protector. If you wish to meet me, you may find me at the factory, getting myself in and out of serious danger.
~The Daughter of the Second Races.
That should do, I just hope I have enough money to take care of that. I winced, probably not. But, hopefully the death threat of the android was enough for her to want it gone.
But this was just the beginning.
I’m Back!- An Eighth Part…
Hi! Yea, it’s me again, you know the girl that got knocked out by the android? The name’s Zongcheng. Yes, my name has chinese origins if that’s what you’re about to ask. My name, literally means, loyal. I’m just glad that my mother gave me a name in a different language, instead of sticking with just “loyal”; she was quite unimaginative.
Well, as I started to open my eyes, I noticed something; the android was no longer there. I was greatly relieved by this, but where had it gone? I hoped it hadn’t gotten into anyone else’s house, or murdered anyone. But what could I do?
“Find Sansa.” Said a little voice in my head, it seemed like my conscience. So I ignored it, Sansa was just a dream.
“Find Sansa!” It whispered a little louder, it’s voice like that of the wind, only harsh like a tornado. But why would the wind want me to find Sansa? That android must have messed with my head, given me a concussion or something. I then, accordingly, ignored it yet again.
Then, it started chanting “Find Sansa! Find Sansa! Find Sansa! Find Sansa! Find Sansa! Find Sansa! Find Sansa! Find Sansa! Find Sansa! Find Sansa! Find Sansa! Find Sansa! Find Sansa! Find Sansa!” By now the wind was howling in my ears, the sheer force of it pushing me to the ground. The window curtains were fluttering as the wind pushed itself into them. Every window in the house had been blown open, I tried to move to close the windows, but only succeeded in getting myself thrown to the ground, with the words “Find Sansa!” Blasting my eardrums.
“Fine! I’ll do it, but how?” I yelled at the top of my lungs, though my voice was stolen by the wind.
But this did seem to satisfy it; it stopped pummeling me, seemed to blow backwards. It closed the windows as it left, all accept one. And I’ve left that window open ever since. Not that it matters, but now I know to listen to the wind.
As a last act in my house, the wind blew something into my face, a small slip of paper; it read as follows:
Hello anonymous woman,
I don’t know you, but I know what happened to your android. It was threatening the lives of america, and I see that it may have threatened you as well. I dealt with it, and I am willing to compensate you financially if you may find me. I go by many names, you may call me the protector. If you wish to meet me, you may find me at the factory, getting myself in and out of serious danger.
~The Daughter of the Second Races.
But;
Questions filled my mind; Who were the second races? The wind needed me to have this, so I guess it was one of the second races;
And Sansa was his daughter.
The Daughter of Hoysta and Oceana- The Ninth Part of Dragon Tears.
My dad didn’t seem to be very happy.
I mean, since when does four tornadoes, three hurricanes, and me surrounded in dust devils happen in the exact same second? My father could get quite anxious, but I’d never seen anything like this, only the earth got this angry. Of course that’s not my place to say, I would always stick up for my parents, wouldn’t you?
Not only that, the androids noticed. It seemed to be the last trigger before they hit the “war” button. Like they could control my parents, the androids might be mighty, but not even they were more mighty than any of the first four.
What are the first four you ask? Well, they are the order in which we were created. First, there came the creator. In each culture the creator has a different name, but all the creators have a similar legacy. I prefer to call him God, as the christians do. Then came the wind, then the sea and earth, fire was the last of the elements to be created. Then came the dragons.
That’s right, the dragons. The fire-breathing carnivores of early times. I was born at the beginning of the end of the dragon race. Right when humans were starting to hunt these beautiful beasts for sport. I got to know one of them, my parents knew that it would live almost as long as I, but then a vengeful human took her from me,
His name was Merlin.
Filled with anger, and being no less than a child, I went to seek revenge. Merlin eventually fell to me, encased in stone for all eternity to pay for the life of my only friend. No one knew my name, the stories developed and eventually there were two people responsible for Merlin’s death instead of the one.
It took me a long time to forgive the human race (try about 10,000 years.), and the death of Merlin only seemed to fuel my dislike for them. But that seemed to change with Reggie and this new century. I spent more time with Reggie than I bet even his own mother did. And now, it seemed as if from his point of view, I was his equal. And, from mine, I don’t know, almost so.
But it seemed as if I was in those years in which the humans attempt to prove themselves, and often fail. What’s it called again? Oh yea, the teen-years. Of course, for me it would last about a hundred times longer. Geez, how many mistakes could you make in about 5,000 years?
Well, time to add this moment to the list.
This was all three of stupid, idiotic, and a factor in proving myself. What could possibly go wrong? I mean, an android could attack and kill me, no big deal.
Right?
Thoughts like these ran through my head as I crept through the empty maintenance hallways of the Humanized Industries factory. Androids were guarding every gate (north, south, east, and west.) and most of the doors. But I seemed to be able to find one that wasn’t guarded, and locks… Who needed a key? They were so so so easily manipulated. The androids had yet to notice me, but it was only a matter of time before I either found their power supply, or they found me. I mean, a biohazard can can only hide so much for so long.
And a biohazard can has to be disposed of at one point or another. Like, in about five minutes maybe? An android was on it’s way as I thought this, but I needed more information! I didn’t have much time, and they weren’t going to take the can out, there was a disposal unit already in the factory.
That’s how they dealt with the authorities that knew how to deal with them permanently. I’m sure there was some sort of computer virus or hack that you could use on them… So I guess I need a hacker; a really good hacker at that. But how would I find a professional hacker? No one advertised that sort of stuff unless they worked for the government.
I needed to find a government hacker.
You know, the kind they use to find the loopholes so they can fix them, keeping things like social security safe. I knew a few government secrets, I was once vice president; not that it matters. But I had a worry a little closer to myself…
My hideout can was moving; towards the incinerator no less.
“Get out now!” my mind was screaming at me; like it could give me any better help, like how to get out without discovery.
Without discovery, not possible. Without injury, slightly skeptical. Without a couple androids tracking me down for the rest of their time…
Impossible.
Better make a run for it. So I did, bending bullet trajectories as I went. Strangely enough; no androids followed me. I was probably saved in some database in which they stored top security threats.
Or maybe…
I stopped looking behind me and started looking ahead of me. a ton of androids were coming at me from ahead.
By now I was freaking out, like, I thought I was going mad. The androids behind me began to close in, looking like idiots as their bullets hitting themselves in the head and torso.
I screamed at the top of my lungs:
“Auntie earth! I need some help please! It’s your niece, Sansa! Auntie Earth!”
I’m so glad I have such a caring aunt. At that moment, a hole opened up below me. I fell a little, the top closed above me, then fell a little, and the process kept repeating itself. Then, it started squeezing me up like toothpaste from a tube. Until I again stood on my own city block, and the ground had closed below me.
“Thanks Aunty Earth!” I got a minor quake in reply.
That’s awesome! I usually don’t get a response!
I started thinking that she had only saved me to be spared the fury of my parents and the endless and extreme erosion, and then noticed something;
There was an onlooker.
Reggie was staring at me from the other end of the street.
Reggie Needs a Regiment- The Tenth Part.
I didn’t believe Sansa when she said something was amiss,
and now I don’t believe my eyes. A girl, a girl I knew none the less coming out of a hole in the ground as if it were your daily ride on the bus. Yelling something about thanking Aunty-earth, isn’t it mother earth though? Then Sansa seemed to notice me, she tensed, then turned around, and did something I never thought I’d see her do;
She blushed.
I mean, most girls (and boys for that matter) blush at one point or another, but it seemed that nothing ever seemed to phase Sansa. She wasn’t sensitive about her appearance, she never got crushes, she just stood there with a blank look on her face every time I brought it up.
“Reggie, forget what you saw” she started yelling at me, like someone would yell if you found out against their will that their parents were drunk.
“Seriously, Reggie, from seeing that you are now in mortal danger, even if you weren’t just by being close to me.”
“What the hell are you talking about?!” I yelled back.
“Tell me now! If you don’t…”
“I can’t!” She looked scared as she said these words, as scared as you were when you watched your mother look under your bed to look for the monsters that would surely gobble her up.
“Look, if it’s a secret I won’t tell…”
“This isn’t a game Richard! You’re life is at risk by even knowing where I come from or what I am, you’re in danger right now because I’m on the list of the androids most wanted. Please, just leave it be, leave the country, and get yourself a nice life without me involved, ok?!”
This… Was… New to say the least. Sansa was the carefree soul that didn’t give a heck to what happened to me or anyone else, and much less me than anyone else.
But… This might be the explanation for all the odd happenings that occurred around her. I needed to know.
How could it hurt to know something? This was one of her “quote cliches”.
Little was I to know how dangerous this little bit of information she was about to tell me was.
She walked closer towards me, rubbing her knuckle against her palm.
“I’m not just a human. I never was a human, and most likely never will be.”
I opened my mouth to say something but the scarf around Sansa’s neck lunged forth like a snake and slapped itself over my mouth so that I could not speak. I was more surprised than scared by this, after all, this was Sansa we were talking about.
“I’m the daughter of the wind and sea, controller of inanimate objects.”
As if to prove her point, the wind started to gust.
She started to tell of the place at the end of the world where she was born, I was starting to compare her arrival on land to the point in Greek history in which Aphrodite appeared, but that’s impossible, how could any person or any other life form for that matter live that long?
Then I remembered that picture, two intertwining strands symbolising me and her, but mine was longer in neither direction. She had lived longer than me, and would live far past my death. But, the science…
“And the androids are going to kill us all!” She said in a tone that if it were anyone but her it would have sounded cheerful. She was deaf and couldn’t hear herself, after all. But listening to her for my entire life, I could tell you that this tone was one of panic, like that time a clay dragon I made moved.
I know, the moving thing was crazy, but what she was telling me was way crazier.
Well, I guess not quite as crazy as real life, the androids were starting to catch up with us.
“Run, your life depends on it.” Sansa muttered to me in a voice that sounded more like pain than worry or something than fear.
Hackers gonna Hack- The Hacker
I kept staring at the note, I barely noticed the yelling going on right outside my door. Maybe it had some of the answers I needed. I scanned it onto my computer, but there wasn’t anything abnormal about it. Maybe I was thinking a little too critically.
But wait…
I did a quick search for fingerprints, there were none; I mean no patterns like on the pads of your finger, but blank pads.
Why would someone wear gloves? Daughter of the wind and sea…
Maybe she was a shape shifter or something that had only assimilated a human, her form as close as she could get just by looking at one.
Could be.
I was one of those people that might believe everything you tell her, but if she found out she’d hack your favorite game account.
Hey, I only hack when honesty fails the person talking to me. But how could this be a prank, or coincidence for that matter? It had to be destiny. It couldn’t be anything else.
My eyes started to wander, good thing too because I barely caught two poor souls running from a barrage of androids.
But… That face… The face from the dream, my face, the girls face.
Sansa’s face.
This was no poor soul, this was our fates beginning to intertwine, this was destiny. I mean, come on, who dreams about another person unless;
And this was one of those destiny things I never took the time to care much about.
But how was I going to get to her? I mean, there was a barrage of service/defense robots with the ability to think chasing them at top speed, with all their hands turned into guns. I was never smart, and I was also never quite very good at dodging bullets.
I stared out the window, I could probably cross the road by now; but that wouldn’t get me any closer to the girl.
Then again…
Why didn’t I think of it before! The sewers! There was a manhole cover not ten feet from my window! It might not be the best way to travel, but it was better than leaving my curiosity like this. And it was also better than the wind howling through my house trying to get me to find my way into trouble.
I had to go after her.
I grabbed my laptop, if anything it would keep me entertained, of course I might be able to do something to the androids… But that would require a pro. No android seemed to notice as I opened the door, they were too busy doing… Something. I couldn’t quite see what they were doing, but there were screams coming from the area in which the androids stood.
“Help us!”
“Mommy, I’m scared.”
“Timmy where are you?!”
“AAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!”
Someone walked up to me and started speaking fluent gibberish. I was under the manhole cover before he could say anything of consequence.
Not that I thought he would.
It was dark, dank, and dismal down there, and it smelled like, well, sewer. Manure floated in a stream of multi-colored goop, I might have even seen some vomit in there. Dead rats littered the path on the side of the sewer, they might have been cute if they weren’t dead and, well, covered in human waste. Wasn’t very pleasant as you can probably imagine, but this opportunity to find whoever “Sansa” was, it was just too good to pass up. Rubber boots up to my knees, a pack of food with one computer on my back, a city where there is free Wi-Fi at almost every restaurant and retail store, and a bunch of androids taking over the human race.
What could possibly go wrong?
The Truth About Sansa: Part 12
I was listening to the background, listening for androids. Listening to the wind, listening to…
“Reggie!” Sansa yelled as an android tried to knock me out with it’s arm. Apparently I wasn’t on the “to kill” list. Next thing I knew, the thing was sinking into the ground trying and failing to reach either of us. Sansa was staring at it with unblinking focus, her eyes drilling the android like a drill bit into the ground.
“So… You’re not human then?” I said to her.
“I think we lost the others.” Said Sansa, panting too hard for me to tell what type of tone she would use this time; she was probably trying to change the subject, not that I minded; even some people had trouble talking about family. But how would it feel if your father could always talk to you, was always watching? She kept panting, even though we had stopped running.
But… There was something louder than Sansa’s panting. I was standing on a grate to the sewer, and some sound seemed to be coming from there. It was so loud that you could compare the sound of the sea crashing against the rocks to it and still it would be louder. (Sansa is looking at me like she’s going to kill me now so maybe I’ll stop comparing things to her mother…) I looked down into the grate and was slightly surprised by what I saw;
A girl in the drains was snoring like she wanted to put off a tornado warning for the sound (And now I should probably stop comparing things to Sansa’s dad…)
I started talking into the grate; but the girl didn’t wake up. I knocked on the grate, and she woke with a start.
“Umm… Excuse me ma'am, but are you aware that you’re snoring?”
I didn’t get any sleep that night, neither did anyone else. She knew, and she wasn’t going to stop jabbering about it. Even though we all knew that we needed our energy for the next day. But she just kept on talking; I think she bored me to tears… Somewhere… Around… (Snores).
Zongcheng Means Loyalty- A Part 13
I walked in that sewer for ages, even when the path above the foul-smelling sludge ended I gulped as I plunged my rubber-booted feet into the never-ending stream of human waste. Eventually, I found myself under a grate and swiftly approaching the realm of sleep.
…
I was on my giant clam shell at the end of the world, in the place where I always see Sansa, her birthplace. The wind whistled through my hair, but it was not the voice of the wind I heard. The waves washed against my shell, and the voice got louder, a male voice.
A cute male’s voice. The next minute I was awake due to the fact that someone was knocking on the bars of my grate.
“Umm… Excuse me ma'am, but are you aware that you’re snoring?”
“Of course I’m aware I was snoring, I’m not any more though obviously. Wait, do I really snore?”
He looked at me weird, then a female face knelt down beside him, her eyes were blue with the depth of the sea, fathoms to be seen in just one area the size of a pin. Her hair like the sun-soaked wind blowing in the sunset. Her lips full and red, any male would have fallen for her. And her tan made me a little bit jealous.
Yep, that was Sansa alright.
My mind bursted with questions, but I think one of them would probably suit to be first;
“Can you guys get me out of this stink-hole now that I’ve found you?”
The boy, yes the cute one, started to speak;
“You found us? More like we stumbled upon you by your snoring.”
I have to admit, I blushed a little there.
“Grammar Schmamar, but can you get me out of here?”
With a little difficulty on the part of the male, and very little on the part of Sansa (bolts unscrew themselves at her command, did you know that?!) and I had to be hoisted out of there due to the fact that my matter was animate, not inanimate.
I started firing my questions; but they were all soon in a deep sleep, I kept on talking, I had already gotten my sleep anyway.
Boy did I need that sleep the next day;
We woke up surrounded by androids.
Well, I guess I was the first to wake up, which isn’t that weird because, well, I never fell asleep. The others were soon to follow, they woke up and all hell (Sansa) broke loose.
Yes, she told me she was living hell, live with it because it’s true. Or convince me it’s not and I’ll not be in this story anymore, your choice.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Okay, firstly I want to say that I have no problem with length. I don't know where that's coming from. Secondly, yes, there are spelling and punctuation errors, but I feel like everyone else pretty much covered that.
Okay. So. I haven't finished yet, only read to part 4.
I think that the beginning is engaging and interesting with Reggie speaking. However, it reads sort of like a diary because Reggie addresses the reader. That works fine until the narration switches to Sansa especially because Sansa speaks in a more traditional first person because she speaks as though everything is happening in the present. What I suggest is writing Reggie's past the way it is, but right it as a pseudo-prologue before the story happens and then continue alternating between Reggie and Sansa.
It isn't really clear to me how Reggie communicates. Is he no longer deaf or has he simply learned to understand people in a different way? Who raised Reggie if he's 3 with many zeroes years old and was born at the end of the world? I think a little bit of that needs explaining along with Sansa's use of magic. Also, Reggie says many things don't make sense to other people but make sense to him. That works to a point. At first it shows his inhumanness, but eventually it's just confusing.
My biggest complaint is that when Sansa's narrating, you need WAY more transitions. She's fixing the drain and then the cat is on the roof and then there are androids who are untrustworthy and she's tracking them down and then they're making each other. That section needs to slow down because I got kind of lost there. In some books, the first appearance of androids could be over 30 pages in, especially with Reggie's mysterious past and Sansa's magic thrown in.
I hope that's helpful!
Feltrix
Hi! Thanks for the review. Truth is I barely remember writing this. I don't remember where I was going with it, and I'm fairly certain I never finished it. I gave up on this one a while ago- just haven't unpublished it. If you want a more recent unfinished project (As all of my projects are) I'd like to suggest The Winter Sniper- Prologue (Title pending...)
Hi! Cricket here for a review!
Keep it up, Kelpies.
Alright, for starters this is just waaay too long. I know you told everyone that it was going to long and everything, but that just doesn't change the fact that is rather overdoing it.
First thing, I loved how you started it off with the Daughter of the Sea and what have you. As I read into the first paragraph my attention was grabbed and I was wondering what was going to be happening next. The one thing that I did want to talk about was mainly your first line. Now don't get me wrong. The first paragraph was awesome, and I was drawn in after reading it, but there's also the first line to consider. First line didn't drag me in and want me to read more. Only as I kept going, did it do that. The first line needs to be something that instantly grabs onto you and pulls you into the story, and makes you want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen. Look at it this way. If you see a book sitting on the shelf and you pick it up to see what's its title and maybe who the author. Then you flip it open, and start reading. If that author is you, would you want their attention to be instantly grabbed onto in the first line? or would you want them to get bored first thing? Like I said before, it's the first line that's the problem. Not the rest of the paragraph. The rest of the paragraph is great, and is actually pretty fascinating. Just remember that the first line needs to be equally fascinating.
Next would just be a small reminder on your grammar, but seeing as Rosey got that for the most part, I'll keep it nice and brief. It will be mainly on your dialogue. For the dialogue, I'd suggest you reading through it and making sure that every sentence is a complete sentence. I mean, you can't take two complete sentences and smash them into one. For example, if you say- She moved through the dark room, and her legs felt cold. Okay, not the best example. But see what I mean? Two different ideas, in one sentence. I hope that made some sort of sense. ^^
Also, it wouldn't be a bad idea to make sure that every sentence is ended with a period. Period means a full stop to a sentence, so each ending should have one. Not a semi-colon or commas. Those may be typos, so just make sure that those are cleared up.
Lastly, I would have to say that I'm impressed with the quality of this work, especially since it was from NaNo. I know what NaNo works can look like, and looking at the length of this I will say that you did a pretty good job with the completeness of your sentences.
Sorry, that this is so short, but Rosey has covered most of the points and also, this isn't something that I can really nitpick. All this needs is some proofreading and a careful eye. That's all.
Keep writing!
~Cricket
Hey there.
I'd recommend proofreading, but unfortunately spell check won't be enough. You have homophone spelling errors, such as quire for choir, and those need human eyes to catch. You also have a lot of capitalization errors, such as words capitalized in the middle of sentences and words not capitalized at the start of the sentences. If you still can't look at the story without going cross-eyed, I'd wait for a few months before going to proofread. And if you plain old can't catch the mistakes, get somebody very patient to proofread and help you catch errors! Even if you have a learning disability of some sort, catching typos isn't impossible. It's just harder.
My one big hang up with this is in the first couple of parts, there are no limits. She gets mad at somebody, the wind smites that person. She's trying to teach another person, there's an unlimited number of cookies to teach them with. This lack of limits makes the opening very boring, because I don't have any sense things will go wrong and stay wrong. When magic can do anything, you end up being able to pull anything out of your hat to "fix" the current plot issue... which means nothing's actually a plot issue.
My other big hang up is the sheer amount of backstory to the second part. It's not so bad with the first part because you're using a very unique character as a hook, but after that... you really start losing my interest. The thing about beginnings is, you have to continuously give us reasons to keep reading. The main reason I liked the introduction is there was forward progression. She was growing up, and she was learning things. It was a reason to keep reading, to see how she'd grow up. You could even expand this into a scene, showing the wind, showing the water, showing the singing, and it would be absolutely fascinating. But once you hit the second part, you backwrite. Things stop moving forward. You're going over the same scene from a different perspective, and there's just not enough space between the two scenes for it to feel new and different. It's the same events, and readers know it's the same events. We don't get anything new from the retelling, and if you're going to retell, you have to give us something new.
Overall, I can tell this was nano, and you probably know this needs major surgery already. I could go on about what else you could improve upon, such as the dialogue and voice, but I firmly believe that will improve in its own time as you reread and edit the story.
I actually do find this premise fascinating, but you're giving us far too much at once. It's more fun to discover the plot, the characters, these little odd things on our own. Giving too much is an error I had (and still have a decade later), but it's fixable! Pay attention to how published works are structured, how you can start the story with scenes and forward writing, and how much you can hide. Drafts like this are absolutely fantastic to get the mechanics out in the open so you know what's going on, but the vast majority of this information readers don't have to know.
I've given you some points to focus on, and you'll probably find more on your own. I'm curious to see how this story evolves as you keep working it. Right now it's really rough, but every diamond starts off rough at one point.
Good luck. You're going to be great.
Let me know if you have any questions or comments.
~Rosey
Cool story! About the length, yeah, it's a little long for one shot, but I like how you broke it up. The huge gaps between parts were really hard to miss.
The length still makes it difficult to review all in one shot, though. I'll just start with Part 1.
"The waves cradled me In their wake,..."
"In" shouldn't be capitalized.
"...when I applied for quire with all of my friends."
Is "quire" supposed to be "choir"?
"...no matter what people always found something to make fun of another for."
This is worded weird. Maybe you should try something like "no matter what, people always found something with which to make fun of another."
"and that was when I realized I had powers,"
As this is the beginning of a sentence, "and" should be capitalized.
"I’m the daughter of two of the first race, and now, I’m 300,000 years old, humans have changed a lot, but I’m still only a teen."
A bit of a run-on. Break it up into two or more sentences.
"...a story of sadness and anger, happiness, and vengeance."
This will flow a little better if it's "sadness and anger, happiness and vengeance." No comma after "happiness"
There. That's Part 1. Nice job on this! It was a very interesting read. I like how your narrator interacts with the reader in some places. Keep it up!
Thanks! There will be more, I just wanted to save some points by doing all I actually did for NaNo in one shot XD.