Partial Shade & Partial Sunlight- Prologue

Hi there!

I decided to try what bats did

So, I'm curious, why was this your MC's first thought? I mean, I wouldn't think about trying what bats do while playing a game of tag. It seems like there's something missing there. Was he (I'm assuming you MC is a he) watching a nature film about bats that morning? Had he been studying bats in school? It just seems a bit random for him to think of that way to play first.

This is definitely an interesting prologue. It lets us in to the life or you MC and introduces the story to us. These kind of prologues seem to work in mysterious ways. When we read them, we're very interested by them. We understand what is going to happen and why. It gets us interested. But then, usually, the first chapter of the story goes a completely different way which makes us appreciate the prologue even more. It's like dramatic irony. We know what's going on, but all of the characters may not.

Sometimes I wish I was a vampire.

This is a very good opening line. Like Therese said, it's just like BAM, right in your face. Your MC wants to be a vampire. That actually gives us some good insight into his character. We know, with barely knowing him already, that he's not all too happy with the life he's living. It doesn't matter if he's a human, an animal, some magical fairy; he doesn't want to be that anymore. His life isn't living up to what he was expecting. So he's wishing to become someone else. I like that. Subtle descriptions like that really help with character development.

I do have to say though, this sentence is kind of random now that I've read through the prologue. When I first read it, I was imagining a story about vampires and such. But then you throw this twist at us that your MC knows echolocation and that they tried to communicate with inanimate objects and other people as bats do. What exactly do vampires have to do with that? I suggest either changing 'vampire' to something else or really focus on the whole wish to be a vampire a bit more here. At this point it's just there, leaving us wondering why exactly your MC wants to be a vampire.

Your writing is very good here. I didn't find any grammar or spelling errors so good job with that. Well, except the place where you used 'your' instead of 'you're' But Therese already pointed that out so I won't do it again.

Now, I haven't written any songs into any of my stories before, but I have seen them used in others. And what I've noticed is that they're written in italics. That's a good way to really distinguish a song from what could just be normal dialogue. You'll still need the quotation marks to put the italicized song inside. That'll make it obvious that your character is singing.

Overall, a good job with this. We've gotten a short introduction to the story and your MC here, which is what prologues should be used for. You wrote it all very well and it flowed very nicely. Good job.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

Hi! Cricket here for a review!

As a side note, I'd just like to mention that this review may be a bit shorter than normal, given that this is a fairly short work. I'd like to ask if this is a prologue to a new story? At first I didn't think so, as it's in the same folder and certain special words are being used, hinting towards your other story. But then I went and looked back at the title and wasn't sure. Maybe a little clarifying in the beginning or something? If it's obvious from the other chapters that this goes with it, then feel free to keep it the way it is. If not, then a little clarification would be cool.

Well first off, I like how you instantly start this off with a big smash and a bang line. Boom! I'm a vampire. Very cool Kelpies. Keep that up. I cannot stress how important it is to have a good beginning line for a novel chapter, or the beginning of a novel in general. Some people can slip it in at a very early stage of the development of their writing, while other's can't. I think you're one who got it mostly down at a early stage of your development.

And speaking of development... you have developed soo much since you've joined the site! Your grammar... I'm going to have a hard time finding nitpicks! Not to mention your writing style is turning out so gracefully worded. One thing I would caution you about, is to make sure you add in enough detail. Too little detail won't paint a clear picture for your reader, while too much will overdo it and spoil it for them. Make sure you have it right in the end. Just little tidbits here and there oughta do it. If it's not right in the beginning then a quick edit will fix it in the end.

"talent",

Instead of a comma, place a period. Cuts the sentence to a full stop like you've intended it to be like.

I developed it while playing a sort of tag game, where you were blindfolded and your partner told you what to do in order to pick up a ball and throw it at someone. I decided to try what bats did, I let out a high-pitched sound, higher than most people can hear. I felt vibrations on my face, displaying a fuzzy image of a crowd of people around me. I practiced my new found talent with my blind fold, searching for Helen whilst Liesl made sure I didn't bump into anything, though I wouldn't have anyway. I couldn't tell the difference between a tree and Helen, but I was close.

Apologies for cutting out so much, but I thought this might be a big enough deal to bring up. You start all your sentences off with "I". Now normally I wouldn't be bringing this up at all as it's not a big deal YET, but it can become one. This is a small case of redundancy, and I'd suggest you just making sure that you watch it in the future. I have noticed that you don't normally have a problem with redundancy, but keep an eye on it, just in case. The best way to avoid it, is to just read your work aloud to yourself before you post. Should get rid of it.

"Your welcome".

For starters "your" is "you're". Your is possessive, and you're means "you are". So you need to switch that around a bit. Also, period directly after the speech and then quotation mark follows.

And so begins, the web of secrets and wishes, that only three other people were dragged into; and only three other people can drag me out of.

Use a comma instead of the semi-colon. Always try and use commas instead of semi-colons when writing. They flow better and look better to the eye.

Overall, your writing is getting immensely better. Even for your age, this is incredible. Tell me if you post something soon, and I'll be happy to review it for you!

Keep writing Kelpies!

~Cricket