A/N I renamed Code: Dolphin to Partial Shade & Partial Sunlight
I ran my hand along the banister in the stairwell, for some reason I could pick up that both of my bff's had been there, touched that exact spot. There had been rumor of a new guy in band, I couldn't wait to find out what he looked like. I carried my flute in an old green grocery bag, along with it's music in a messed up folder. I dropped my backpack and grabbed a stand, placing it in my usual place next to the high-schooler who was teaching me what I needed to know so that I didn't have to constantly bother the teacher. Assembling my flute, I glanced at the other wood-winds. Next to the clarinets, I saw someone I recognized. Oboe in hand, I saw him. A sharp intake of breath entered my lungs as I realized that he was Quin. He stared back at me, and almost dropped his Oboe. I flashed him one of my smiles, giving him a wave before the band teacher directed us to our first piece.
***
I saw him again at lunch, I had remembered all the times we had spent somewhere out in the wilderness. The only wilderness I knew anyway. I was a sheltered child then, not knowing what I was capable of. He sat next to me, the milk on his lunch tray shaking.
"Hello Quin" I said, flashing him another one of my smiles that were my way of being polite.
"I don't suppose you remember me?"
"Of course I do" I gave him a look that said in my mind I was joking about him being an idiot.
He chuckled. This was our way, one sentence, then the other would have something to contribute, although (unlike most people) He often out-spoke me. We talked, until lunch ended. He, being a grade older than me, was almost never in the same classes as me. The next time we met, it was time to get on the bus.
"You seem..." He said.
"Different?"
He hesitated.
"Everyone says that, I'm the oddball around here."
He nodded, something was odd about him too. He didn't seem right in the background of a cement building. When we always went to see each other, we were always outside. We would have fake arguments, though he almost always won. I didn't have much to boast about at that time anyway. But still, It's hard to beat a two inch long scar on your chin that had had eight stitches, when you're only eight or nine at least.
"That's not what I meant."
That's new, I've always acted a little weird around people, but when I was alone in nature, I bloomed like a wildflower. I stared at him, curious as to what he would have meant if not that.
"You seem..."
And then my bus arrived.
"I've got to go..."
"I understand." He said quickly.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello, there! Lefty here for a review.
This is a good start to your story. I already get a feel for the characters and I'm definitely intrigued by her abilities as well as her past relationship with Quin.
Your writing is very nice and some sentences I found to be quite lovely. Like...
"I ran my hand along the banister in the stairwell, for some reason I could pick up that both of my bff's had been there, touched that exact spot" and "I've always acted a little weird around people, but when I was alone in nature, I bloomed like a wildflower." and "I was a sheltered child then, not knowing what I was capable of."
The awkwardness of them reuniting comes through well at the end. I also noticed that you have very good grammar. I see that you're only twelve, which I found surprising, because this is very well written for being so young! Good job.
Just one thing I would like to mention... I felt like the story jumped around a bit. Like one second she's on the stairs and the next she's grabbing a music stand in the music room. I don't think it would be too hard to smooth out the transitions between scenes and have them flow together a little better. Like how it went from lunch right to the bus stop... Even just a short paragraph or a few sentences mentioning how the rest of her day at school was would be enough to smooth it out... But it could just be me. I could just be a personal opinion. Otherwise I think it's a good start. Keep on writing! Happy September Review Day!
-Lefty with the Review Ninjas
*poofs into thin air*
Thanks!
You probably poofed back...
Hello to you and Happy September Review Day!! I'll just pick up on any nitpicks that I find, so here goes!
"There had been rumor of a new guy in band, I couldn't wait to find out what he looked like."
Just a little mistake here. You forgot to put 'the' before band.
"I carried my flute in an old green grocery bag, along with it's music in a messed up folder."
It's means it is. You ware wanting its.
"Next to the clarinets, I saw someone I recognized. Oboe in hand, I saw him. A sharp intake of breath entered my lungs as I realized that he was Quin. He stared back at me, and almost dropped his Oboe. I flashed him one of my smiles, giving him a wave before the band teacher directed us to our first piece."
If you look closely at this bit, you'll find that you used multiple spaces. Are they meant to be new lines, or did you just hit the space bar a few too many times?
"He sat next to me, the milk on his lunch tray shaking."
Excellent description!!
It's a great first chapter. You're character development is coming along well, I got to know your two main characters in just a few lines. Good job and keep writing!