I'll cry 'till your return,
canals run down my face.
Red eyes all disguised,
to try to tell myself
that you will be back.
My eyes are dry,
no more tears to cry.
to myself I lie,
that you'll be back.
my life is at a lack.
Won't you cut me some slack?
I'm not a barbie doll,
but I live in the doldrums.
Come back! My life is at a lack.
Find some more stuff to do
I get addicted too.
Please come back!
My life is at a lack.
I didn't know you long,
months and months go in my head.
but days and days go by in yours.
Why don't you check on me?
Like you used to be.
Like we used to be.
Please come back,
before I stab my back.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I hope this doesn't come off harsh. I feel horrible when I disagree with someone's work of art.
Everyone has their own interpretation of poetry. Just like everyone has their own interpretation of art.
It may just be because this isn't my style... but... I only 'like' this poem. Sorry, I don't love it. I tried, but I just cannot make myself love this poem, no matter how hard I try. I feel ABSOLUTELY horrid for saying such a thing... wait...
Is it even bad that I merely LIKE this piece? Hmm... Good job. That's what I should be saying. I don't usually like this style of poetry but you've taking your pen and wedged it on in... You've exposed me to something new!
The only line I don't like is probably "Canals run down my face."
Something about that line just does not agree with me whatsoever.
Either way, not bad.
Good Luck To You.
I got interested in this work when you mentioned it was rap like, and just from that point of view I have a couple of minor criticisms. Nothing to big, and remember it is all my opinion so don't be offended.
First off, this is a biggie, "my life is at a lack" seems to me to be a massive forced rhyme. You should really consider tweaking that sentence quite a bit in order somehow to make it more natural sounding, or alternatively just change the rhyme to something a little more natural. Which brings me on to my second point.
I feel you overuse the "ack" rhyme. It isn't the easiest thing to rhyme anyway, so it probably isn't the best choice to have as a repeated rhyme. The concept of the almost chorus like repeated rhyme is fine however, only I think due to the rhyme chosen it is particularly difficult making it sometimes a little forced. Which leads me on to my third point.
And that is that the last line seems a little wrong. Back-stabbing someone generally implys treachery, to do it to yourself seems slightly mentally impossible. Here however you seem to mean it literally, as a form of suicide. I don't see how this would work physically, leaving aside the general connotation, it would be massively impractical as a method of suicide to stab yourself in the back. The contortions required would be manifold.
Overall, 6.4 out of ten. I enjoy rap, and this was particularly enjoyable, only there were a number of small issues that I think need redressing.
I hope this helps you and the green review team at the same time.
Yours in reviewing,
Take That You Fiend!
This was honestly very great. I like how you rhymed with the last word, and it didn't sound cheesy at all. Poems are poems--they are created from emotions and experiences, so they shouldn't even be critiqued. But instead praised for each poem should have a meaning, which this poem had a great one. I quite liked this. It was a dark and tragic romance.
Thanks!
Wow!
This poem/rap has a beautiful mixture of dark drama and tragic romance. And let me tell you, those two together are one of my favorite combinations.
Thanks!