Everything has an equal and opposite; at least, that's what the other bats in the cave said. I was lucky enough to know mine, an (almost) normal human girl named Rapunzel. We knew the kingdom's version of the story, we also knew the whole story. You probably know it too, but I'll sum it up for those who don't. Mother Gothal steals princess Rapunzel when she is young because the queen ingested a golden flower while she was pregnant and therefore Rapunzel's hair had healing powers. To understand why us bats are quite annoyed with the kingdom, is because our flight paths are based off of the stars. And every year on Rapunzel's birthday, they send out millions of lanterns. Therefore, we have no path to follow because we are immersed in foreign light sources. Many a bat has gone out on that night and never been able to find their way back. But what makes it worse, I'm part human. Much like Rapunzel, I was the result of a plant that was sent from space. A moonbeam. The only difference in this part of the story, is the function of the plant, and what it was. It was a tree, forever laden with berries. These berries gave you powers of the night (enhanced night vision, echolocation, wings, etc.) The only flaw, you lost all your humanity. No idea how this came to pass, but a woman ate the berries, and had a baby girl, yours truly. Being an animal at heart, and seeing that I was completely human except for a pair of wings protruding from my back, she left me under a dead tree on the edge of a cliff. The bats that lived in the cave in the cliff took me in, but I had always felt a little different, I couldn't quite put my claw on it. It's just... I'm a human with bat's wings and ears.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I see Tangled, and I can't help but be drawn in. It's a hazard and I should probably see someone about this addiction to Flynn Rider because it's gotten way out of hand. But I digress...
First of woah woah woah! Your layout in this piece makes it incredibly difficult to read and it's also very off putting. Try throwing in a few breaks in paragraphs just to make it more appealing.
This just felt like an information dump, maybe break it up a little to make it better to read?
Made me laugh out loud! I love this concept as a whole, can't wait to see where you go with it
Icy.
Thanks! And it was meant to be an informational dump. I'm not sure why I meant that though, I might correct it.
Hey!
Raven here for a review, as requested on the teams forum.
Now, I like what you have here. A batgirl that's awesome. Your poor MC, being different than every other bat in the cave.
However, I shall gush no longer, and get onto the nitpicks.
My first complaint is the bunched up paragraph. It makes your info dump, seem more like an info dump. Maybe you could space it out a bit? It's sort of an eye sore.
My other complaint is the lack of description. It would've been awesome to read about the lights floating, or what exactly her ears looked like. Like Moriah said, I would've liked to see the mother eat the berries. Maybe you could add stuff in like: "The red berries reached her thirsty lips. The fruit was sweet on her tongue. Immediately..." Do you get where I'm going with that?
How does your MC know her and Rapunzel's origins? Are the bats in the cave wise, like owls are made out to be? Is she desperate enough to sneak out of the dark cave, and watch the village folk gossip? How did she acquire that information?
I am also wondering... Is your MC going to act like a bat most of the time? Sleeping in the day? Also, since a brown bat 1,000 mosquitoes in a hour, could she eat a lot of food within a few minutes? That would be cool.
How did they manage to do that? Did they round up most of the fellow bats and carry her to the cliff? Did they use some sort of magic? How exactly did she get into the cliff?
Nice prologue! Keep on writing,
Raven!
Yea, I might get into that a little. And I might change the prologue. Thanks for the advice!
I agree completely with the comment below.
-The idea certainly is interesting, but you have to let the story tell itself.
-Also, some of your sentences are contradictory. " But what makes it worse, I'm part human." and "The only flaw, you lost all your humanity...' for example. The main character can't be part human and not human, can she?
"...but I had always felt a little different, I couldn't quite put my claw on it. It's just... I'm a human with bat's wings and ears." Nice pun ^-^ (I'm actually not a fan of puns at all, but- Oh well!) The problem with this is, it implies that she doesn't know what's "wrong" with her, while "saying" she knows exactly what's "wrong" with her (Sorry! I'm not sure if this makes any sense)
-Few grammar issues... (I really don't like getting into these... so I'm not going to... hope that's alright!)
Keep writing! I'd like to see what you come up with.
Yea, I really need to work on that. I am almost half way through chapter one, just so you know. There are a lot of flaws in this part of the story, but, I am quite new to fan fiction. Therefore, I haven't gotten into the flow of it yet. I'm thinking about doing what the other review said and forgetting about the prologue entirely.
Cool idea, having the counterpart of Rapunzel being a bat mutant born from a moonbeam. Really cool plot idea. I am interested to see where this goes. Now for my critique.
This is a ton of telling and very little showing. I realize it is a prologue and they're helpful for establishing history, but you could show us this history in a much more engaging way. Show us the bat's mother ingesting the plant, perhaps around the same time that Rapunzel's mother is drinking her magic flower potion. A great way to show is through dialogue. Perhaps have the bats recall the story of Mother Gothal and how they found the mutant girl.
Another possibility is cutting out the prologue entirely and including bits of the back story in the main chapters. Honestly, that may be a better idea as your story will have more drama. You can build up the tension of the mother abandoning the mutant child. Start the story off revealing her disfigurement and that is a hook that will bring your readers right into your lap. If you tease us with this information, we are going to want to keep reading to figure out why she is this way and how she is going to solve this conflict with Rapunzel.
If you need help or have any questions, please pm me. I would love to give you my assistance.
Thanks for the review! I'm just letting the story tell itself for the most part, I hate giving myself guidelines. I'm going to edit it when everything is done. But I do need critique.