Do you see that girl,
who never seems to care?
Do you see that girl,
with tangles in her hair?
Do you see the girl
who never gets the pass?
Do you see the girl,
that always gets denied?
Do you see me?
Do you see my tears,
catching in my eyelashes,
running down my cheeks?
Do you see the tears,
that seem to disappear?
She notices every time
she's the only one un-guarded,
and still doesn't get the pass.
She notices every time,
her requests are denied.
Just because her figure,
or so she believes,
is beyond the average oaf?
Is it really her attitude,
or the way she walks,
as if by being there
something's gonna go wrong?
And when she feels like everything's fine,
something just proves her wrong?
Can she,
just for once,
Be the one that makes it furthest.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello CapitalMonday here for a review. I would like to begin is that the tone of voice in this poem and how well-written this poem is. The tone of this poem is trying to prove something like do you see this girl right here? yes she is in pain, but how can you tell? This poem could speak to many people since many people believe that other people are making fun of them behind their back and they cry for 30-seconds but that cry will last forever on someone's cheek.
I'm sure half of the people have felt this way too.
The form and written of this poem is an A+ since you ask question as to why this one girl is so brave at what she does and how she notices what is going on when she gets denied or when she doesn't get the pass. She sees everyone else like her, sulking in the corner or talking to their friends.
This also reminds me of my friend since she used to be so closed to herself, that when she would get home, she cry on the bed for minutes at a time then looking at the mirror because it was worthless as it is. Now she tells me everything and now she is well wonderful girl.
Sorry for Rambling, instead of reviewing...
CapitalMonday
Hi Kelpies
I think I know what this is about. But it's very hard to understand,
~~~~~~~~~~~
It needs stanzas. It is in desperate need of stanzas!
I think you need a question mark on the last line.- 'Be the one that makes it furthest?'
You need to make it flow better by either rhyming or putting it in to stanzas-Just two or three.
What does 'Don't get the pass mean'?- Does it mean that she is denied everything?
I liked the first half of this poem and I liked the first rhyme but then it changed and I didn't understand it.
~~~~~~~~~~~
And now the things I liked
~~
I liked the first rhyme and the last part. It really stuck out to me.
'with tangles in her hair?' This line kept me reading because it helped with the flow and the rhyming.
'Her requests are denied' -from here it seems to deteriorate from great to good. I liked it all the time I was reading it but I just didn't get it.
REMEMBER- It doesn't matter if YOU can understand it but what matters is that we as readers can understand what you are trying say here.
~~~~~~~~~~
In some poems I like how some people just don't get them because it gives the piece of work a level of sophistication.
And you don't have to do any of what I say because I am trying to help you and they are only suggestions. I am here as a fellow writer.
EPICno.1
~~~~~
Keep writing
xx
Hey. I liked the idea of your poem. I liked the beginning. Talking about the girl. It had a pretty point to it. Your rhyming also was good in the beginning. Though the more you read, the less it makes sense. Your rhyming began not to rhyme anymore. I was a little confused also with the plot after a while. You did a swell job with the beginning. Try to focus with that. You seem to have talent so don't let review push you back. Keep writing. Good Job!
Hello, Tay01 here to COMMENT your poem. I do not really get it. It was different. Please make sure that whatever you right a third party person can also understand it.
Hello there, Kelpies. I don't believe I'm familiar with your work.
One thing stuck out to me above all: this needs stanzas. I like the way it's shaped, but you can't sacrifice good flow for looks. This definitely needs to be broken up.
Also, as I read from the beginning the rhythm seemed to also hold a rhyme, but then it stopped...
Was this meant to rhyme somewhat?
Also I don't quite understand the recurring phrase "doesn't get the pass".
A wording suggestion: don't use "gonna". That sounds like something to put in pop lyrics, not a poem.
I think the overall repetitiveness of this would suit better as lyrics actually...
Lastly, an original title. Don't slap on the first/last/recurring line in the poem as the title. Put some more thought into it. A good title gives a taste of the story, leaves room for interest, and can wrap everything together after reading the piece, tying it together.
I can see this writing is coming from somewhere inside you, and it means something to you. That's good. Writing is an outlet of expression and emotions, so keep that coming and don't be afraid.
Hope I helped:)
~iron.n
I revise not as a judge, but as a fellow writer eligible for judgment on the same level.