Published September 7, 2012
Chapter 1
Rain Squealed as she raced around the playground slipping on the mulch with every abrupt turn she made, in efforts to escape the boy she had dared to kiss her. She dashed to the velvet red picnic table, gasping for air and grinning from ear to ear. The boy flew to the table, stopping just on the opposite end.
"You can't catch me," Rain chanted teasingly.
They circled the table several times, Rain making sure they stayed at opposite ends. Suddenly, she made a run for it, disappearing around the brick corner of the elementary school's walls. She moved to the middle of the wall and pressed her back against it to stay hidden. It seemed she had lost him. Inching her way back to the corner she cautiously peered around it. No sign of him. Relieved, she sighed and just as she turned around a pair of soft pink lips smashed onto hers. Blushing, she shoved the boy away angrily.
"You cheated!!" She shouted, "I hate you. I'm not your friend anymore," She crossed her arms and turned away from him.
"I didn't cheat! Honest! Please don't be mad."
"Well how'd you get here so fast? Were you hiding? Because if you were that's cheating!
"I didn't hide. I flew," He said with a toothy grin.
"You can fly?" Rain asked excitedly, instantly forgetting the fight.
A distant voice began calling out Rains name.
"I have to go," the boy said, "I'll come see you later." At that he ran up the grassy hill and out of sight.
"There you are! Why are you over here all alone?" Cried Rains 3rd grade teacher,"I've been looking all over for you! Recess is over, its time to go home."
Rain nodded,taking the teachers hand, and glanced back at the hill where the boy had been, before proceeding to follow her teacher back into the school.
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Canary word: Present
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: Alrightly, this was a pretty good first chapter right here, I feel like it manages to do pretty much all the things that you usually expect from a first chapter and this premise definitely managed to interest me here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayyy...well, while that does sound a tiny bit like perhaps something not so good is happening here, I get the feeling this is two fairly young people just running around and having fun rather than someone genuinely running away from someone who wants to kiss them against their will. The "dare" seems to suggest as much at any rate. It makes for a interesting start here at any rate.
Hmm...well it looks like the she did manage to escape the boy for a moment, but it looks like he's a bit faster at running there because he appears to have followed her quite quickly...although now I'm wondering why exactly she's quite this mad about it....that's an interesting detail...although the fact that this is an elementary school explains a lot about this game.
Okay...well, that reaction is quite appropriate there for elementary school...although I do have to wonder exactly how she came to that conclusion, it looks like she just kind of ran towards this one building and ducked behind it, its not exactly magic to just follow exactly what she did, if she ducked inside the building perhaps it could be different, but here, this seems a bit weird.
Okay...welll, apparently she was right somehow, this man wasn't just doing the normal thing...and flying, well isn't that interesting. And I like how that mood swing is very consistent there with this being elementary school children.
Okay..well, the boy proceeds to mysteriously vanish...I am somehow not all surprised by that conclusion, but I do like it, it certainly makes you want to come back and read on to find out what happens next here. One teensy nitpick that I do have though is that the teacher mentions recess and then returning home...I feel like after recess you just have to go back to lessons...or perhaps recess means something different to me, I'm not sure, but you should maybe take a second look at that.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, I'd say this is a pretty neat little start here, and this seems like it could make for a pretty cool story, one that I'd potentially read. Anyway that's about all I've gotta say for now.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Excellent beginning
One of the rules of writing a novel is to get the reader hooked within the first page and you definitely did that!
I think the best thing for me to do is to review your story paragraph by paragraph. I really hope I don't sound harsh while reviewing but I'm sorry if I do. I'm in the process of getting my book published so I know how rough it can be to hear critiques about your beloved story.
*All my comments and critiques will be in brackets*
Rain Squealed (The s should be a lowercase letter, probably just a typo but I'll point it out anyways.) as she raced around the playground slipping on the mulch with every abrupt turn she made, in efforts to escape the boy she had dared to kiss her. (This is a bit of a run on sentence. I would try something like this: Rain squealed as she raced around the playground slipping on the mulch with every turn she made. Her abrupt dashes weren't pointless though, the turns were in efforts to escape the boy she (italicize this) she had dared to kiss her.) She dashed to the velvet (Take velvet out, it makes it sound like the picnic table is made of velvet. Try dark red or cherry.) red picnic table, gasping for air and (I would use but here instead, it sounds like it would fit better) grinning from ear to ear. The boy flew to the table, stopping just on the opposite end. (Love this! So easy to picture!)
"You can't catch me," Rain chanted teasingly. (I would pick one or the other, don't say chanted teasingly, either just say chanted or say said teasingly.)
They circled the table several times, Rain making sure they stayed at opposite ends. Suddenly, (no comma) she made a run for it, disappearing around the brick corner of the elementary school's walls. She moved to the middle of the wall and pressed her back against it (in attempts) to stay hidden. (She grinned, happy that she had lost him.) It seemed she had lost him. Inching her way back to the corner she cautiously peered around it. No sign of him. Relieved, she sighed and just as she turned around a pair of soft pink lips smashed onto hers. Blushing, she shoved the boy away angrily.
"You cheated!!" (Don't put 2 exclamation points, it's a big no-no.) She shouted, "I hate you. I'm not your friend anymore, (Period here instead of coma)" She crossed her arms and turned away from him.
"I didn't cheat! Honest! Please don't be mad."
"Well how'd you get here so fast? Were you hiding? Because if you were that's cheating!"
"I didn't hide. I flew," He said with a toothy grin.
(Rain looked at him skeptically then grinned) "You can fly?" (She) asked excitedly, instantly forgetting the fight.
A distant voice began calling out Rain(')s name.
"I have to go," the boy said, "I'll come see you later." At that he ran up the grassy hill and out of sight.
"There you are! Why are you over here all alone?" Cried Rain(')s 3rd grade teacher, "I've been looking all over for you! Recess is over, its time to go home." (Would they go home after right after recess? Maybe change it to gym or say recess is over, class started 10 minutes ago.)
Rain nodded (Again this is a bit of a run on. Put a period after Rain nodded. and Say she took the teachers hand but glanced back at the hill where the boy had been. She wanted to run after him but she proceeded to follow her teacher back into the school.)taking the teachers hand, and glanced back at the hill where the boy had been, before proceeding to follow her teacher back into the school.
I really did enjoy this and I cannot wait to see where it goes! Please message me when you post more.
Nicole