Chapter 1. Daggers and Dancing.
It had to be calculated, just like everything else I ever do. I knew just the right pressure points, just the right thing to say. It only takes a moment to see every weakness and exploit them all. And then there are always the physical points. In the time it takes for someone to throw a punch at me, I have already calculated the difference in force it would take to break their arm or to shatter it. It was no different in this fight. Thenmozhi Rajaratnam is my best friend, we attend The Academy together, but for now she is my opponent.
No one has ever beat me in Mental Agility training, no one ever will. I’d have to apologize to Thenmozhi later, but I couldn't afford to lose. The Instructors wanted to see how well I could use blackmail or information to get our adversaries to crack, Mozhi was playing the role of an assassin by the name of Manjit, sent to bomb the Indian capital of Shimla. I was sent to stop her and find out her employer. These games sometimes went on for weeks at a time.
At least, for everyone but me.
Step one: Plant remorse.
“I know why you are here Manjit,” I said, “No more people will die because of you.”
“More people will die every day under the king's tyranny” Mozhi said.
Perfect, I got the motive and the target.
Step two: Intimidation.
I walked slowly towards her, confident, unnervingly confident if I’m lucky, and I spoke,
“Well Manjit, I am finding it very difficult to find a reason not to kill you, at least not other than to torture you, break all of the bones in your tiny little hands until I get every piece of information you have in that pretty little head of yours”
Hoisting the folds of my dress in one hand, I deftly pulled a baselard from it’s sheath on my thigh, and twirled it threateningly.
“Did you know that you have 28 bones in one hand?,” I said closing the gap between us in a matter of a second, holding tight to her arm and pressing the baselard to her throat, I hissed, “No don’t answer. Don't poison my air with the insult of your breath unless you are to tell me who it is who sent you here. You tell me, you live. If not, well, you can forget about the use of your limbs. Four movements from this position would sever your spine. Now speak.”
“Go to hell, your threats of pain have no meaning to me. Find your courage and wound me if you will, otherwise I will not talk.”
Step three: Follow through.
It was calculated.
I was calm, I needed to win. I win, I advance.
I drew the baselard across her neck, drawing blood.
“What the hell, Liz!” She jerked back, breaking character and grabbing her neck,
“How do you know my name? No it matters not, it’s not the one that I want on your lips. Who is your employer,” I moved so quickly she barely knew what was happening before I had her pinned against the wall of the Training room, the baselard pressed to her chest “Give. Me. A. Name.”
She whimpered.
“Salvatore Riina, Now let me go, you’re hurting me” she was still bleeding.
The lights in the room brightened and the blinding white of the walls and floor bored into my eyes, a colorless void spattered with crimson.
“You could have killed me Liz!” Mozhi was being over dramatic as usual,
“Come on, you know I’m better that that.” I said casually tracing my hand across the red ribbon at her neck, she looked so cute with it matching her fuchsia gown, but I knew what it hid, and it hurt.
“Did you at least get another credit under your belt?” She asked as we set out down the halls, everything was either made of glass or painted a flawless, brilliant, white. Left, right left, left, left, left, right, the turns so natural I barely noticed.
“Of course I did, now I only need one more credit to have First Clearance” I said it pompously, bragging, but Mozhi didn't mind.
“I only have to get three more, but seriously Lizzy, you got the best time ever in mental agility, you scared me a little, more than a little.” she replied, rubbing her arm where I had grasped it.
“I’m really sorry I hurt you.” It hurt me too, to leave bruises on her, I took her hand and we didn't speak again until we reached the Espionage History classroom. It was my last credit and absolute worst subject. But today the classroom wasn’t filled with chairs and old musty books, but inside the door was only another blank white room, with a dozen confused girls in various colored dresses scattered on the floor. When our Instructor Professor Mentrice arrived we had all be idely chatting for fourteen minutes.
“Settle down class” he said in a soft tone, he never had to repeat an order. The girls quietly listened with polite confusion. “Today will be all about how the ladies of the fifteenth century got information from men through Dance Interrogation. Dance Interrogation is used when a woman invites her target to dance and creates a seemingly harmless routine of small talk while ascertaining critical information. But for today we will simply be learning the dance. Pair off.”
Once we were all in groups, me with Mozhi of course, Mentrice went around and assigned every group a lead. Me. Great. But at least I was with Mozhi.
The dance steps were easy enough and soon became fun. Twirling Moz around, dipping her, the black and pink of our dresses complementing each other. We giggled and began to forget that we had been deadly adversaries not an hour before. Now we were floating gracefully across the class tile. Everyone had stopped to watch, but just before the song ended a figure stepped through the doorway.
“Elizabeth Bathóry, Thenmozhi Rajaratnam, will you come with me a moment” Without asking questions, we both hurried from the room.
“In light of recent events, you have both been graduated to First Clearance, “ The gray haired woman spoke formally with an air of importance. “The world is in crisis, your particular.... skill sets are needed, and seeing how you compliment each other there is no doubt that you will be the best candidates.” She said, “Ladies, your first Mission has arisen, go view the information in your quarters and meet me back here at 0600 hours. Do not be late.”
Moz and I looked at each other, our first Mission.
Finally.
Chapter 2. Tests.
Every agent from the Academy must be screened on observation and response time before receiving their first field assignment, so at 0600 precisely on 19th of December 1928, I waited nervously at the door of the only colored room in The Academy, the evaluation hall. I’ve only been here once before, on a night I’d rather not remember. Although, as the crimson walls bore into my eyes, I can’t help but think of Her, the first person who ever watched me lose control. I can't help but think of the blood, still warm, covering my hands, and the last breath of the first woman I had ever killed. I didnt know it then, but she was the woman who gave me life, I took hers away. I shake my head in hopes that these thoughts will leave me with the motion.
It’s now 0602, it’s not like administration to be late, as I wait I study my surroundings, each second passing more slowly than the last. Finally at 0604 and fifteen seconds, the door I have been inspecting opens quickly, it startles me but I retain my composure, knowing this must be the start of the test.
A woman steps out holding a slip of paper in her hand, i can see the faint outline of the words on the other side, “How many cracks”, it reads.
“Seventeen.” I say confidently.
She gives no reply, simply walks into the hall, her blonde hair a bright halo in contrast to the walls of blood.
Agility for me is easy, and, even as I am deflecting every object they throw do me and following instructions, and running mazes, I think about how Moz will fare through this.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hey Kelly,
I must say that the topic is very interesting and your writing kept me engaged throughout the whole work. The thing I would like to point out to you is that I think you need slightly more detail and depiction. This is because the beauty of a book is to be able to portray every slight action and picture the surroundings. In your case you are putting a lot of emphasis on action and less on the setting and appearances. The depiction of the action is fantastic but the reader is unable to portray the appearance of the character just her personality. Speaking of personality, you made a terrific job in depicting the attitude and personality of the main character. Well done! Maybe you could develop a bit more the main character's friend. Her character is a bit less convincing. Regarding the first chapter, I also think that you moved on too quickly...the chapter had a very fast pace. I would recommend you to add maybe more classes and give some time for the reader to create a stronger bond with the characters. I would make the chapter more interesting if the first chapter would have a more social setting by adding interruptions by minor or insignificant characters. These characters could be used as a means to develop more the setting by projecting them doing different things. The main character could just be observing. Once the reader starts getting the idea of the environment and starts getting comfortable then you induce the next plot...the mission. (The imagery and description would also help to make the chapter a bit longer since it is a bit short)
Regarding, the second chapter again I think that you need more detail. You need to describe the test since it is detail that keeps the reader hooked up. The reader doesn't want to know just that you are confident and you can pass with flying colours but how you did it and the examiner's reaction. Since the second chapter is not complete I cannot really say much about it ,but it seems to be coming up pretty good. Remember to induce detail...that's one of the main differences between a movie and a book.
Well, overall I think this is great. I look forward to reading the whole Chapter 2 and hopefully the following chapters.
Hope this helped,
me
Seemed like short 1st and 2nd chapters. Remember detail makes it a lot more realistic for the readers. Be careful with your grammar and don't forget to thoroughly check your works over and over again.
Also, is your character perhaps based on Countess Elizabeth Báthory de Ecsed of Hungary? (who was also known as the blood countess or even Bloody Mary.)
I'm excited to see where this story goes ^^
Oh yeah, Hi! I'm catmuffin. You can call me cat, catmuff or muffy :3. I hope we can be good friends ^^
Thanks for the tips

I actually did name her after the blood countess, Thenmozhi is also an acclaimed assassin, I thought it would be interesting to use the names of actual female assassins for my characters and I'm going to attempt to keep that a theme throughout.
The second chapter is not yet finished and the reason for its shortness is that I personally find works with short chapters easier to read and more interesting and I am less inclined to skip pages.
I am excited to see the outcome as well
Thank you for your review.