It Snowed That Winter...

Okay, no one has done a whole story review, so I'll do that first, and then I'll do overall comments:

It snowed one winter. Quite an unusual year that turned out to be, for it never snows in Kniver, ever. Not once had it been recorded since 1604 I believe.

Yes

, even back then it never snowed. Something was different. I loved the cold.

Maybe that was why I despised Kniver so much, it was always warm. Everyday you will see an old dog lazing in the morning sun on a front doorstep, and if you look close enough you can see the lazy dust settling around him. It gets so warm that the air is nearly unbreathable

, but after 15 years of it you kind of become accustomed. It was a small town, everyone knew everyone else, new comers where never ignored but weren’t quite welcome until they had settled in, until the Kniver folk were sure of them. That, depending on who you were, could take a long time...

The people of Kniver were polite, never a bad word said, even the children remained polite to each other, and thus was the custom here. Nothing out of the ordinary ever happened. Ever.

That was why it was strange when it snowed. It brought a new air of freshness with it; A start of something new. However, that still didn’t make me like it. I hated Kniver, it was so boring, nothing ever changed. I was fifteen that winter, and having the worst time of my life. Surely a fifteen year old girl should be going out and having fun, but not me, Kniver folk frowned upon teenagers hanging around the town, though there was no reason for them to frown upon it, because the teens never did anyway.

I had friends, well more acquaintances I suppose, but they were there when I needed someone to talk to. None of them were incredibly interesting, so I never took a shine to any of them. They were merely people of my own age with whom I passed the time. There was nothing else to do.

I often begged my mum to let us move, but she loved Kniver, she grew up there as I did and she had no intention of leaving. Myy dad did, he left three years ago, and took my younger sister, Milly, with him. I loathed my father, mainly because he took my sister away, we were very close. She didn’t want to go, but he gave her no choice. I barely ever see her now.

So, that winter had promise. I hoped more than expected. Maybe there was a storm coming, that would wreak havoc on the town’s people, or maybe a new shop would open up. Anything would have sufficed.

But it wasn’t any of those. It was a new family, an extremely interesting looking family. I spotted them on my way to school one Monday morning. A most handsome man, mid thirties I’d bet, the father figure of the family, he had jet black hair, his face a soft peach and altogether he looked rather pleasant. His wife was stunning. She had long brown hair, down way past her shoulders; it was glossy, almost like silk. She had the figure and complexion of a model. There were two children. Twins. Although they were hardly children. They were my age, judging by their height, looks, etc. The boy looked slightly older but I knew they were twins, it was just an instinct. The girl had auburn coloured hair, the kind of colour of leaves that fall off the trees in autumn, not quite sure whether they’re brown or orange or red. It was a truly beautiful colour, one that made me envious of it, when compared to my own plain brown hair. However, it was the boy who really caught my attention. He had soft blonde hair, extremely soft, it looked like it felt like cotton, and looked like silk. His skin was a piercing white but at the same time it was natural. It belonged to him. His face was as soft as his hair; he looked like a man, but still young enough to be considered a boy by his elders. His eyes were a grey-blue colour, the most fantastic colour of eyes I had ever seen. I was engrossed by them.

I couldn’t stop looking at him as I passed. When his eyes met mine I went weak, my knees buckled and I got butterflies in my stomach.

A new experience altogether. None of the boys here were anything above average. This one however, was truly unbelievably good looking, the type you would see on the front of magazines, in fact his whole family were rather beautiful people, quite an attractive bunch. The whole way to school I was completely mesmerized. He was in my thoughts throughout the whole day and I found it hard to concentrate on anything I was supposed to be doing, which was bad because teachers kept asking me the answers to questions I hadn’t heard.

I wondered when the twins would start school. There was no doubt they would come here. It was the only secondary school in Kniver; in fact the only one within a one hundred mile radius of Kniver. The girl looked quite nice, I wondered what she would be like too, all the while the image of the boy’s eyes was still there, the queasy sensation I got when he looked at me, the loss of breath, the flips in my stomach...

“Now then Kate, since you seem so eager to take part in class today, why don’t you tell us what the answer to number thirty one is?” It took me a minute to realise that Mr. Murphy had directed the question, to which I had no answer, at me. I stammered something about numbers and words and he just waved me off, not bothered with my excuses as to why I wasn’t paying attention, though I could see in his eyes he was surprised, I’m usually the most enthusiastic student in any class, but he wasn’t the kind of teacher to make a show, I bet he would call me back after class.

Sure enough, he did. “Kate, your

acting odd today, is everything alright?”Genuine concern filled his voice, but nothing was wrong, so I lied.

“No I'm fine sir, just a tad bit tired, couldn’t sleep well last night, must have something to do with the snow,” I laughed. He wasn’t convinced, but he let it go and I walked out, heading towards my next class. Tess was waiting for me. She’s probably one of the only “friends” I have that I can stand being around for longer than a couple of hours. She’s really nice, her fathers

Asian but her mother’s Irish, so naturally she has the Asian look about her, but boy is she pretty, her coal black hair makes me envious, it’s just so perfect.

We chatted casually, mostly about the weather and the history test we had coming up, so I casually slipped in something about the new family.

“Oh Yeah,” Tess said, “My Mum was telling me about them. They just moved here from America of all places, now why you would want to live here is a mystery but you know how people are these days,” she laughed at herself speaking such formal language, it was what I did and she found it extremely amusing, she continued, “the father’s a lawyer, he works in the law firm up in Nervy, you know the big town a few miles up? Yeah, the mother’s a retired model, though she’s not even nearly old enough to retire, she just didn’t fancy it anymore,” I knew she was a model, “the kids are twins, same age as us, fifteen I think anyway. My mum says the girls

a bit of a weird one, and the boy is rumoured to be trouble. She warned me to stay away from him.” That last sentence angered me. How could anyone with looks so sweet be trouble?

“They seemed alright to me this morning,” I said in a bored uninterested tone, though just speaking about the boy with the grey-blue eyes gave me shivers.

“Yeah, the boy looks cute, haven’t seen them up close yet though, should but interesting when they start here. You know what Kniver’s like with new people.” She said the word new with such distaste it caused me to pay attention to what she was getting at.

It was true though, Kniver National School was a small school, three hundred pupils at the most, and whenever anybody new came, the school blanked them out. Yes, the whole school. I was going to change that.


The next day I walked past the new comer’s house again, as I did every morning before they lived there anyway, the school was just a short walk from my row of houses, but i hated walking. It made me feel so young. Only a year or so until I got my car. I could hardly wait. I walked past slowly, and as I was doing so, the twins stepped out into the garden, calling goodbye to their parents, and turned to look at me. The girl looked at me. The boy looked away, concentrating on a bush. I watched them intently. The girl walked up beside me and spoke, “Nice weather we’re having.” I laughed as I watched her blow a snowflake from her nose.”I’m Mia Darken, and this is my brother Declan.” Declan, the name sounded good in my ears. But I decided then and there that this boy didn’t seem interested, and I thought back to the previous day when his eyes had kept me from concentrating in school, and to what Tess’ mother told her about him, so I would leave well enough alone. “We just moved here from Los Angeles, ever heard of it?” She grinned. Her strong American accent was alien to others around, but I was used to it because of television and what not.

“Los Angeles, hmm... Nope doesn’t ring any bells,” I smiled wryly and laughed, Declan caught up with us, but said nothing, he was just listening, “I’m Kate, I live just down the road, I have no interesting story about where I'm from, you can see it all around you.” I gestured to our surroundings. The many old buildings which had creeping plants dominating the front, the garden gates in need of oiling and a fresh coat of paint, the shrubbery wild, in need of plucking. There wasn’t much scenery, there were a few Blue Mountains off in the distance if you looked hard enough, but Kniver did have one thing to be proud of. Its vast landscaping forest, which covered most of the land considered to be still Kniver. It was a deep green colour, with huge one hundred foot trees, towering above any of the buildings here, the fresh smell of pine as you walked past in the morning was exhilarating. It was the only thing I liked about Kniver. It was the most serene and peaceful place I had ever come across in my life, and I spent most of my summer evenings in that forest, alone with my thoughts, not that I had anything to think about, so I would read a book, or come up with stories in my head.

It was so relaxing.


“Oh Yeah, this place sure is different to the place we come from, isn’t it Declan?”Mia looked at her brother. He mumbled something inaudible. I caught his gaze and I looked away instantly. I didn’t like feeling like that over a boy, I was stronger than that. Avoiding his gaze proved more difficult than I had hoped. I kept throwing him tiny little glances to see if he was looking at me and for the whole time as we walked to school he was. I knew if I looked into his eyes I would melt, and I couldn’t let that happen again the way it had already.


“So how are you liking Kniver? Please don’t be afraid to offend me, I despise this town.” I said, glancing at Declan, only to see the surprise growing in his eyes. He seemed arrogant, it was almost as though he half expected me to be stupid and unoppinionated, but he had another thing coming if he thought I was a push over.

“Aww, it’s a lovely little town, we haven’t really had a chance to look around it yet though, Declan here wants to find a quiet place to write his little story,”

she giggled and he nudged her, shooting her a look of disapproval clearly annoyed that she had told me, a complete stranger, about his interests. He mustn’t have thought I was good enough to be their friend. Lucky enough for him it was his sister I wanted to be friends with, not him.

“I could show you around after school if you’d like, there’s not much to see, but the forest is quite interesting.” Declan’s eyes flashed with excitement.

“Oh Would You? That would be great!” said Mia, enthusiastically. The next bit however, she whispered, “Sorry about Declan, he’s not usually like this, well obviously not with me, but I think he’s just home sick. He’s actually really nice, I know you’ll like him better when you get to know him,” The next thing she said was more to herself than me, “all the girls do.”

Well I was determined to prove her wrong. I would be the first girl to resist the fabulous, no, the foul grey-blue eyes of Declan Darken. Assuming of course that I was the first girl. I would have to find out more details from Mia later. We arranged to meet outside the school when school ended. Declan didn’t look too pleased about me showing them around. Oh well, I didn’t like him anymore anyway.

When we walked into school, every head turned our direction, not at me though, at the Darken’s.

no need for the They truly were extremely attractive people, and I was delighted to have one of them as my friend. People that I knew but never spoke to came up to talk to me, saying hi and oh who are your new friends and so on.

I gave Mia an apologetical look and she understood completely. Declan saw my look and laughed, obviously knowing I wasn’t used to this kind of attention. I kept my eyes away from his.

I showed Mia to her first class, which was a good bit away from where I was headed next, but I told her not to worry she’d be fine, and she knew she would be. I expected Declan to go right on by himself but he stood in the centre of the grounds looking completely bewildered staring at a map. He looked so helpless I was about to go over to him and help him find his first class, but just as I did some other girls ran at him, obviously finding his looks overbearingly stunning as I had, and I seen each one of them turn to jelly as he greeted them. I laughed. He looked at me and grinned, but it was a cheeky grin, as if to say “yeah, I know I'm gorgeous, I know you want me, but your

never gonna have me” it was so real in my head I could have sworn he actually did say that, until I remembered it was just a look, and I walked away.

I had chemistry next lesson, my favourite, I loved blowing things up and watching chemicals reacting off each other. The only problem I now faced was finding a new partner. My old one, Gerald, moved to Nervy last weekend, but I guessed there would be an odd number now, and that I was going to have to do all the pair works with Mr. Jacobs. Oh what a joy.

I walked into the class, only to see Declan sitting in my seat, surrounded by swamps of girls. I hesitated before walking over but decided not to let him intimidate me. I went over, squeezed through the shoals of girls and said, “Eh, you’re in my seat...” Pure amusement shot across his face, and I was suddenly worried about what he would say next, making sure not to make eye contact.

“Oh, sorry.” Was all he said, but it was pleasant. Enough. He moved into the seat directly beside it. Oh yippee for me. I was going to have to sit next to him now for the rest of the year. I was looking at my book; he sat there playing with a pencil, with a huge smirk across his face. I knew he wanted me to look him in the eyes, so I did.

But more to prove to myself that I was being paranoid over something stupid.

As soon as our eyes met I struggled to breath. His eyes were so soft, so loving and tender. I found it hard to believe they belonged to the same arrogant person I had walked to school with this morning. I told myself that it was all in my head, and I forced myself to break the hold. He laughed.

“What’s so funny?” I surprised myself with the fierceness through which I asked that question; in fact I was surprised I said it at all. I'm usually shy. His eyes showed a glimmer of surprise but his smirk remained.


“Oh, its

nothing,” he sniggered, “it’s just your face made me laugh.” I grimaced, waiting for him to continue, he didn’t.


“Do I not get an explanation as to why my face seems to amuse you?” I looked at his nose. I wasn’t about to start letting his eyes mislead me. I was going to show him that I wasn’t like all the other girls. He seemed to consider what his answer would be for a moment, but his eyes remained fixed on my face. I still didn’t look into them.

“Your face was full of jealousy when all those girls surrounded me. You try to pretend you don’t like me but I can see you do. It’s only a matter of time before you stop this front you have up.”

I was horrified and completely dumbfounded. I stared at him in utter amazement at how shallow he remained .It sickened me.

“Oh please, get over yourself! This may surprise you but I actually don’t find you attractive at all!” Lies, Kate, All lies. “And your personality hardly makes up for it.”

He laughed again. This angered me to the core. How could someone be so upfront with him, and tell him the whole truth and nothing but the truth,well partially the truth, and he still remained cocky, his ego untouched.

“Sure sure, whatever you say,” was all he said, his grin stayed.

Throughout the whole class he kept glancing at me to see if I had softened towards him. I wasn’t about to. Just before the bell went to signal one class ending and another just beginning, he asked me what I was going to show him and Mia after school. He asked in such a nice way I couldn’t help but answer.

“Um... The forest, the school grounds, the town stores, though there’s not many, well mostly just the forest.” That sounded pleasant enough without seeming overly friendly, needy or rude. I was happy with it. Until I realise how sad it would appear of someone could hear me thinking about how I spoke to someone. That made me angry again. Why should I have to think about how my words sound? I bet he didn’t. He grinned; he seemed to do that a lot around me

I disagree with the one statement about it being like twilight. Yes it does have a feel to it in a sense, but Twilight wasnt necessarily about a girl coming to a new town, hating it, then meeting a guy and liking it. Twilight was about vampires and how humans and vampires can and cannot intertwine in the same life.

Although I am not a fan of Twilight, I did enjoy this piece. The beginning was hard to get through, not trying to be cruel or anything, but it was slow. When I got into the plot though I found myself enjoying it quickly.

I dont think their is much of a need to critique since the rest did a fine job, I just want to make a quick suggestion. Try making your sentences not so 'matter-of-factly'. Like the whole beginning with how the town was named. I really dont see a need in that.

Just keep some of it simple, try giving it your own personal spin, and I think you'll have something original and witty in no time. I can tell this is no twilight cause I actually enjoyed it .

Well since a lot of people have reviewd I'm not going to repeat what they've already said =). But I really enjoyed it you should definitely write more. I loved it that you made your own places up - creative. I love how the boy is so shallow too.
Good work =)

Hey Kelly! I'm here, just as I promised! I'm going to go through all the mistakes here first, before I get into the overall review.

Not once had it been recorded since the town gained its name back in 1604 I believe, when old Henry Kniver sailed up the river Molloi only to find fertile soil quite unexpectedly.

It was a small town, everyone knew everyone else, new comers where never ignored but weren’t quite welcome until they had settled in, until the Kniver folk were sure of them. That, depending on who you were, could take a long time...

It brought a new air of freshness with it; A start of something new.

Surely a fifteen year old girl should be going out and having fun, but not me, Kniver folk frowned upon teenagers hanging around the town, though there was no reason for them to frown upon it, because the teens never did anyway.

He had soft blonde hair, extremely soft

“Kate, your acting odd today, is everything alright?”

but i hated walking.

“Los Angeles, hmm... Nope doesn’t ring any bells,” I smiled wryly and laughed

“Oh Would You? That would be great!” said Mia, enthusiastically.

“Your face was full of jealousy when all those girls surrounded me. You try to pretend you don’t like me but I can see you do. It’s only a matter of time before you stop this front you have up.”

Gosh.... if only I could write like that. I loved it and I felt as if I was in my room reading a book. I reallyyyy think that you should pursue the book, it really was amazing. Also there weren't really a whole lot of errors, so it was easy to read, and I can't wait to read the rest

Hey Kelly ^^ I'm Shina and I'll be your reviewer for today. Welcome to YWS by the way.

I hate to be the one mean to you when you're brand new, but I have a rule xD I won't review (or read for that matter) if the first impression it gives me is boring. People on YWS tear things apart most of the time, but I think the main thing with your story right now is how you tranferred it from your thoughts to words.

I can tell just from a few sentences and skimming that you broke one of the importan rules. Show and not tell, Kelly! Rather than telling us about Kniver and the people in it, show us. Show us why it's always hot and describe the scenery. Use some imagery and bring description to the senses. You also need to work on your punctuation and structuring.

I'm not sure what your story is about yet, but before you get some reviews, make it a little more interesting and show is I look forward to what comes up soon.

Shina

Thank You, I have noted your comments and I will consider your options.
I do have a twist for this story, its not going to be your average love story, I hope it will be a cut above the rest though many are fantastic, i think my twist is quite good

Kniver is made up, as i didn't want to base my story on a real town because Kniver is always hot but its in Ireland and no where in ireland is ever hot all the time, so i had to make up a town. Nervy is also made up.
Thank You

It snowed one winter. Quite an unusual year that turned out to be, for it never snows in Kniver

That, depending on who you were, could take a long time...

So, that winter had promise. I hoped more than expected. Maybe there was a storm coming, that would wreak havoc on the town’s people, or maybe a new shop would open up. Anything would have sufficed.

I couldn't’t stop looking at him as I passed. When his eyes met mine I went weak, my knees buckled and I got butterflies in my stomach

“Your face was full of jealousy when all those girls surrounded me. You try to pretend you don’t like me but I can see you do. It’s only a matter of time before you stop this front you have up.”