Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

He entered the abandoned building, hoping that he would actually die this time. But unfortunately, Fate was never with your side if you rebel against your God and pissed him off. Honestly, why did Grigori-Thirty even thinking of doing that? Whatever the reason was, whatever the emotion that had driven him to rebel, Grigori-Thirty really had not regretted it.

Well, things are immediately off to a powerful start there. This is definitely one of those starts that makes you sit up and take notice quite quickly because it appears that we've got someone that's genuinely wishing for their death after having rebelled against their god, which sounds like a pretty big deal but also for some reason this happens to something this person doesn't regret despite knowing all of these consequences. This is the sort of start that gets you as a reader asking a lot of questions which and that makes for an awesome start.

But the Queen of Frochnji was being quite the whore, being oblivious of the situation Grigori-Thirty was in. At this point, Grigori-Thirty was persuaded that the Queen of Frochnji was the punishment Kutya-Kyon had given him for rebellion. Sadly, rebellions towards gods were fairy tales, and they seemed to never come real. Now kicked out from the Paradise of Death, where he was one of the respected Guardians of Kutya-Kyon, even bathing himself with the Dregs of the Altar of Mercy. He was even respected, given to Kutya-Kyon 10 silver plumes, each feather carved with an animated eyeball, staring all over, being the ubiquitous Harbinger of Justice.

Okay, not entirely sure where that particular paragraph is going even after reading through it a couple of times. The general gist seems to be that this person was exiled from his land for his rebellion and saddled with someone he doesn't like. The last part seems to talk about the respect that he had back in his own land, but it really its clear if that's referring to Grigori or this Kutya person.

But of course, all these events were dreams. Grigori-Thirty was busy making his pilgrimage to Cocytus, where he would truly die. But the she-dog, the Queen of Frochnji, and several other insults Grigori-Thirty could’ve sputtered out refused his entrance, the permission to travel to the Land of Tears, where he could go to Cocytus.

But if the building collapsed upon Grigori-Thirty, he would’ve loved it. He wouldn’t suffer anymore, and there would be none of the annoying existence of life.

All he wanted was to fade away, to succumb to the Filth.

Okay, so this seems to continue with the thing that started the first paragraph, where this one wants to go somewhere in order to die but the Queen doesn't give him permission and so that angers this one quite and now he's waiting do fade away in whatever location he's stuck in at the moment. I will admit by this point, I don't fully understand exactly what's been going on, the only thing that's very clear is that this person did something against their leader and ended up exiled and now wishes to die.

Anyway, yeah I don't really have much else to say beyond that. It was an intriguing piece to read, but especially that middle paragraph really isn't particularly clear at least to me.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hey there! Plume here, with a review!

I enjoyed reading this short piece! I think that despite it being only five-ish paragraphs, you were still able to present a somewhat cohesive and comprehensive narrative.

One thing I enjoyed about this was the amount of detail you included. For such a short piece, I feel like it made it feel really fleshed out and developed. I feel like a lot of the time when people include a lot of information in a small window of text, it reads a lot like an infodump and it doesn't flow naturally, but yours was miraculously easy to read and flowed really nicely. I'm not sure I've ever seen anyone achieve that, so great job!! I applaud you.

One thing I did wonder about was the context. From what I gathered, this seems to be part of a larger work/related to a larger work, the brunt of which I'm not sure you've posted on YWS? I know you had a poem called Grigori, but after going through your portfolio, I couldn't find much else related to it. Regardless, given what I've seen, it seems like quite the interesting creative work. However, looking at this as a standalone piece, I do think it would benefit from a bit more context. Especially since it seems to be a part of an internal narrative. It doesn't hurt to be blunt sometimes in prose, and I was having trouble deciphering what was going on. I couldn't really relate to the storyline in any way because I just wasn't sure of the weight the places and names you mentioned carried, but with a bit of background info, that could be remedied.

Specifics

But unfortunately, Fate was never with your side if you rebel against your God and pissed him off. Honestly, why did Grigori-Thirty even thinking of doing that?

I feel like there are some weird verb tense contradictions going on here. The use of "you" in the first sentence threw me off a bit; I get that it's supposed to be the generic you, but that just doesn't feel right to me in this context. You've also got "rebel" and then "pissed," one of which is in present tense and the other in past tense. It should either be "rebelled" and "pissed," or "rebel" and "piss." I think that since you began the story with past tense, making them both past tense would be best. In the second sentence here, you've used the gerund as a conjugated verb, which just sounds kind of wrong when you read it out loud. It should be "think," not "thinking."

But the Queen of Frochnji was being quite the whore, being oblivious of the situation Grigori-Thirty was in.

I think this sentence would flow better if you omitted the second "being" before oblivious; to me, it just clutters the sentence as it is now.

All he wanted was to fade away, to succumb to the Filth.

I thought your last sentence was quite striking! Nice job on that!

Overall: nice work! I think the flow of your story was really nice, and despite a bit of verb confusion, you had some really great lines in there. I'd love to know more about the context of this piece, cause I feel like that would allow me to appreciate it even more. I hope to read more of your work soon; until next time!!