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Young Writers Society


16+ Violence Mature Content

Esoteric Beginning

by Kelisot


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.

Entry 1-1

Type: Text Log

Requirements: Play Wavetapper as Hoshi

Life is colorless and only made of black and white, and its child, Gray.

One day, it became a reality. The starry-eyed child woke up from their bed to discover several objects floating in the sky, like baby mobiles that float above cribs. There were artifacts such as lampstands, plushies, pencils, and erasers.

“How interesting,” the child thought to themself. “What kind of sorcery is this? Are the objects floating or held by strings?” They stood up from their bed; the child stood to see any source of trickery but found none. Indeed, the objects were levitating on their own! What an anomaly!

Not only was the anomaly of the objects floating above, but they also surrounded him like a barrier, revolving around as if the child was the Sun. The child checked outside from their window, only to discover that the world had become black and white. Indeed, it was a strange morning.

The first instinct the boy would’ve done was to panic, but he decided to stay calm. He learned this from his mother and several others; panicking had negative consequences. Going downstairs and leaving the house, the child found no one in the streets, no— the scenery was no longer urban. It was a vast, eternal sea of grey grasses and monochromatic flowers.

He was the only entity with colors; he checked through a pond to see a reflection of fleshy skin, short platinum hair, and a red suit with some shades of black, like a casino dealer. Finally liberated from all the misery at school, he made a critical judgment that he was alone and rejoiced to a god out there for sending them to a world of solitude.

With glee, the child started running on the grass with his shoes and pretended to race with his nonexistent friends from school.

Entry 1-2

Type: Text Log

Requirement: Play Whitesuperstructure as Hoshi

But, the inevitable question approached. What exactly are the objects? They started running and moving towards them, like magnets that attract, but also were like magnets because he couldn’t touch them— they repelled.

The strangest thing was that he now had telekinesis and could control the revolving objects. The boy, Hoshi, found this very useful; perhaps later in the future, if he ever is in peril, Hoshi could use the artifacts for self-defense, as some of the objects seemed harmful. Telekinesis was always sweet! How many presents did the god of the monochromatic realm give to Hoshi while they were asleep? He wondered about it with curiosity.

The child continues exploring the mysterious world until they reach a point where they stand in front of a monolith; carved with mystic runes and letters. Hoshi cannot decrypt the message, but the articles are nudging him as if they suggest Hoshi do something.

"Who are you?" Hoshi questioned the monolith. The gigantic monolith did not reply, still standing in its place. Hoshi attempted to push the monolith to satisfy his floating items, but the tall monolith did not budge. Feeling annoyed, Hoshi punched the monolith as he cried in pain, for the child received more pain from slamming the rough surface of the mysterious stone slab.

Then, Hoshi noticed something— a book with similar runes was floating amongst his crown of objects. He made the book come near and commanded it to open a page as a table of digits and letters started staining the fragile pages.

The star-eyed boy couldn’t make out the mess clearly but could recognize some runes with his tongue. Then they realized; the book was a translator for the monolith! Excited by the discovery, Hoshi flipped pages and pages and started to decrypt letter by letter, rune by rune. Finally, the message was all deciphered.

“Abandon your hope and life, ye who enter the Vault of Stars,” Hoshi read out loud the decrypted message.

The monolith rumbled as it shifted behind, and lo, behold! An entrance to the underground revealed itself, a dark, ominous voice humming from it. Hoshi gulped and descended the stairs that led him to the deep, dark abyss.

Entry 2-1

Type: Text Log

Requirement: Play Cyberpunk as Tsuki

The boy woke up from his slumber in the middle of the forest. The obsidian tree rustled from the invisible gale blowing across his face, its white leaves falling from the strong winds one by one.

Several shards of glass and dark weapons surrounded the confused boy, and white light seeped between the groves. When the boy stood up from the blanket of black soil, the objects levitated with him and started circling him like planets.

The boy naturally did not question the anomaly, for he is familiar with this anomaly happening in his home. But he no longer resides in the world filled with the magic he used to know. He covers his face with his hands as one of the glass shards accidentally reflects the sunlight toward him.

"Where could I be?" he thought to himself. He was curious about the new surroundings because, in his world, there were almost no trees. All the trees in the boy's world were synthetic, only details from gifts that disguised ugly truths that hid beneath the surface. Therefore, the boy is generally satisfied that he is in another world, for he is no longer worried about exposing the truth to the public or staining his hand with red blood.

But the other percentage of his satisfaction was fueled by his survival. How will he eat, sleep peacefully, and defend himself against brutal nature? It was the question that the boy could not answer. He attempted to speak with the objects, hoping they were either sapient or sentient, but none of them dared to reply. All of them were inanimate creatures whose sole purposes were to cause harm.

"All these objects surrounding me," the boy finally spoke, "the objects can harm me and others, are they not?" The boy attempted to grab one of the floating objects, and all the artifacts started pointing at him. He dropped the glass fragment he was touching, blood dripping from his hand as he could feel each sharp corner of the glass, and dropped it. The glass shard returned to its orbit, peacefully spinning as if none of the incidents ever occurred.

But the stranger thing was that his hands mended. Despite the blood soaking the forest's black soil and showing a shade of red, his hands did not show signs of injury. Finding this also interesting, the boy smiled as he continued exploring the dark forest.

ENTRY 2-2

Type: Text Log

Requirement: Play Electromagnetic Stealth Girl Born In Philadelphia as Tsuki

While walking along the mysterious monochromatic forest, the boy remembered a strange memory that he thought he did not experience. There he stood, in a vision of fire and ice, where two armies fought against each other, seeking revenge for a genocide that none had started. Or at least, that is what his intrusive thoughts, strange voices implanted in his head, explained.

He felt disgusted by seeing atrocious crimes happening in his head. Death’s angels were reaping soul by soul in their feast, devouring the souls of the slain ones. Why did he specifically have to see this vision? Why now?

There is no answer; the objects surrounding the inquisitive boy do not reply, for they are nothing but animate entities. But the war continues in his head, and he suddenly hears his name called out in all directions.

“Tsuki!” the voice screams out for his name. The boy is confused about whether the voice came from the monochromatic reality or the intrusive voices and scenarios in his head.

Hold on a minute, intrusive voices? Yikes, that did not sound great at all.

Despite the rants and worries, the vision continues. The war abruptly ends with a mountain of corpses as several creatures disturbingly wander along the unburied bodies. It's a gruesome vision, and Tsuki believes he is being filled with Filth. Perhaps his superstitions still get him, and he wishes to cleanse himself, somehow repent to a god out there and beg for forgiveness.

"O God, this world is miserable. Why must I encounter a cruel vision in the middle of a world I do not know?" he questioned out loud. The response Tsuki got was the wind's howls with the leaves rustling, along with the silence from his animate fellows.

With anger, he slapped one of the glass shards to the ground, and it broke into several pieces. Out of frustration, he screamed and slammed his head on the tree repeatedly; at one point, he could feel his blood trickling down his head.

"Calm down, young one," a wise voice inside his psyche spoke. "You must stop this madness! I have found the true goal of why you were sent to this world."

"Who are you?" Tsuki paused and questioned out loud.

"I am KLV, the god of this monochromatic universe," the wise voice introduced himself, "I am trapped underground, be if you follow my orders, we will have a deal. I apologize for intruding on your mind and showing you this vision. I planned the destruction of this universe and came to warn you. If you follow my orders, I shall rescue you from the hellish tribulations the others must suffer."

"Others?" Tsuki asked the enigmatic god. "There are other people out there?"

"Indeed, my beloved child. You are the worthiest one of them all, and I shall become your guiding light. Is this a contract we should make?"

Tsuki hesitated for a second but perceived it futile to resist a god. After all, can a human defeat a god easily?

"I accept."

He didn't know that underneath, the dog-headed entity was smirking wickedly.

Entry 3-1

Type: Text Log

Requirement: Play Alone Intelligence as Taiyou

She sees grey rubbles across the white, vast rocky plains. She remembers that a lofty skyscraper once stood there, which she guarded as her task. But these memories are vague; she cannot make them out exactly.

"I am c3Vu, also known as Taiyou," she retrieved her thoughts from a file, "I once guarded the monochromatic world's skyscrapers, but some of my memories are locked."

Attempting to retrieve a memory from her mind, the files were locked or distorted, but one text file remained unlocked. Taiyou opened the message to find a memo from an old friend.

"Taiyou, I have finally given you the gift of a human heart as a reward for protecting the monochromatic world from the dog-headed god's minions and himself. You will explore the world freely and learn about emotions through your new power," she read the text file out loud, "as a gift for entering the new world, I will gift you the power of the Kioku, where objects will surround you and guide you along the way."

When Taiyou moved her arms and her metallic boy, shards of rubble, glass, and scaffolding floated amongst her. "Delicate and lovely. So is this the power of Kioku?" she replied monotonously. If she were human, she would have been human. It was too bad that she was born as another android.

"Explore this ruined paradise, one with a human heart. If you are reading this, delete this. I am already dead, and be aware that the negative emotions that you will experience will bring you nothing but strife."

Obeying the commands, the robot with sentiment stood up and started marching across the colorless plains. What supposed to be was the Sun above was replaced with nothing. Taiyou closes her eyes and remembers the horrors of her past; the sun's sinews descending like angels, burning their victims with sadistic pleasure, people screaming across cities.

No.

She opened her eyes again. The first emotion she experienced with the human heart was curiosity and confusion. The next emotion she experienced recently was fear. Taiyou knew these negative emotions would become her demise, so she sought to find goodness and optimism.

entry 3-2

Type: Text Log

Requirement: Play Robot Dreams as Taiyou

So where does she find the emotions she desperately needs and is commanded to find? The first thought Taiyou had in mind was that perhaps the Kioku she was gifted with by the unknown person from the text file was a clue to solving this mysterious riddle.

She forces one of the glass shards to come near her as she watches with wonder, showing reflections of the ruined landscape. She also wonders, what exactly happened? There must’ve been another force pulling the strings. It was impossible that Taiyou's army of robots had failed to protect her land from the dog-headed god.

There was only sadness filled in the colorless world. Curse the human heart, Taiyou thought. She could feel grief, unlike her former self, who had no emotions and whose only goals were to protect and kill. Through a mirror, she could see her stoic reflection. Was she crying human tears? She looked very horrendous with a sad face.

"There is no meaning to cry. By grief, I'll find joy," she replied as she continued exploring. She eventually reached what seemed to be a library lacking books on its shelf. She picked up one of the books about a robot and read the story. She was mesmerized by the tale as it whispered to her ears about a robot who sought to understand the emotions of love. To Taiyou, love was futile and the last one she sought to understand, but it piqued her interest. Several human tragedies explained how strong human love was. But Taiyou was uninterested in love.

She tossed the book away, finding it meaningless (she wouldn't confess to anyone that she was interested in love, however). But she felt a tingle in her human heart; was this the joy that she sought? If that was true, she enjoyed her feelings. Finally, escaping from the grief over her nation, she had something else to focus on.


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35 Reviews

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Reviews: 35

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Stickied -- Wed Apr 19, 2023 7:56 pm
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Kelisot says...



DISCLAIMER: I DID NOT OWN OR CREATE ANY OF THE IMAGES. I ONLY FOUND THEM ON THE INTERNET AND USED THEM.

P.S. THIS ALSO INCLUDES THE MUSIC. I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THE MUSIC IN HERE.




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Mon Jun 12, 2023 1:40 pm
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IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hi there Kelisot! Icy here for a quick review!

I found the format of this interesting, and the inclusion of both images and sound made for a different reading experience that in a way was much more immersive than a usual book. I'm not sure whether I liked it specifically because I read quite quickly so I found I was done with each section much sooner than the song had ended and then I wasn't sure what to do with myself whilst I waited around listening to the rest of it. It's a cool concept, but I'm not sure I'd like to read like this for very long.

I also thought the detached nature of the narrative was interesting and to begin with it fit very well with the story you were telling. But because it was so detached, I found it harder to connect with the characters and the setting. You've marked this as a novel, so I don't know if that means you intend to continue, but I'd really struggle reading much further with this same style. I feel like I had to work to stay reading it, rather than just slipping into the narrative voice.

There were also a number of instances where we seem to change tenses and I found that a bit jarring. I'd suggest picking one and sticking with it unless there's good reason not to as it meant I struggled to work out if I was reading a flashback sometimes (I don't think I was?).

Overall I think you have an interesting way of narrating, and I definitely thought the immersive experience was fun but I think there are some tweaks you could make to make this easier to follow!

Hope this was helpful!

Icy
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(Banner by Virgil)




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Sat Jun 03, 2023 6:56 pm
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NadyaStatham wrote a review...



Hi there,

I'm here to leave you a review!

Image

First of all, I really like the direction this story is going. I love your setting, characters and idea of the story. Briliantly written and very nice. I'd like to see where this story is going to take me next.

ENTRY 1-1

Requirements: Play Wavetapper as Hoshi

Life is colorless and only made of black and white, and its child, Gray.

One day, it became a reality. The starry-eyed child woke up from their bed to discover several objects floating in the sky, like baby mobiles that float above cribs. There were artifacts such as lampstands, plushies, pencils, and erasers.

“How interesting,” the child thought to themself. “What kind of sorcery is this? Are the objects floating or held by strings?” They stood up from their bed; the child stood to see any source of trickery but found none. Indeed, the objects were levitating on their own! What an anomaly!

Not only was the anomaly of the objects floating above, but they also surrounded him like a barrier, revolving around as if the child was the Sun. The child checked outside from their window, only to discover that the world had become black and white. Indeed, it was a strange morning.

The first instinct the boy would’ve done was to panic, but he decided to stay calm. He learned this from his mother and several others; panicking had negative consequences. Going downstairs and leaving the house, the child found no one in the streets, no— the scenery was no longer urban. It was a vast, eternal sea of grey grasses and monochromatic flowers.

He was the only entity with colors; he checked through a pond to see a reflection of fleshy skin, short platinum hair, and a red suit with some shades of black, like a casino dealer. Finally liberated from all the misery at school, he made a critical judgment that he was alone and rejoiced to a god out there for sending them to a world of solitude.

With glee, the child started running on the grass with his shoes and pretended to race with his nonexistent friends from school.


First of all, as required, I put on the song before I started reading. I must admit that this song is not my personal taste, but it did fit perfectly with the chapter itself. That I liked.

Secondly, I would like to point out that maybe you should change this sentence: the child thought to themself

The sentence is not grammatically correct. The correct form should be "the child thought to themselves." The pronoun "themselves" should be used instead of "themself" to agree with the singular noun "child" in order to indicate gender neutrality.

That is because you haven't yet said wether it is a girl or a boy we are reading about and that is fine. It leaves the reader with a spark of curiosity.

I think you did a great job describing the surroundings and the whole setting. You have used very descriptive language and that makes your story amazing. I think this was a nice first chapter and you totally had me hooked. I like the fact that the child was the only one with colours.

ENTRY 1-2

Requirement: Play Whitesuperstructure as Hoshi

But, the inevitable question approached. What exactly are the objects? They started running and moving towards them, like magnets that attract, but also were like magnets because he couldn’t touch them— they repelled.

The strangest thing was that he now had telekinesis and could control the revolving objects. The boy, Hoshi, found this very useful; perhaps later in the future, if he ever is in peril, Hoshi could use the artifacts for self-defense, as some of the objects seemed harmful. Telekinesis was always sweet! How many presents did the god of the monochromatic realm give to Hoshi while they were asleep? He wondered about it with curiosity.

The child continues exploring the mysterious world until they reach a point where they stand in front of a monolith; carved with mystic runes and letters. Hoshi cannot decrypt the message, but the articles are nudging him as if they suggest Hoshi do something.

"Who are you?" Hoshi questioned the monolith. The gigantic monolith did not reply, still standing in its place. Hoshi attempted to push the monolith to satisfy his floating items, but the tall monolith did not budge. Feeling annoyed, Hoshi punched the monolith as he cried in pain, for the child received more pain from slamming the rough surface of the mysterious stone slab.

Then, Hoshi noticed something— a book with similar runes was floating amongst his crown of objects. He made the book come near and commanded it to open a page as a table of digits and letters started staining the fragile pages.

The star-eyed boy couldn’t make out the mess clearly but could recognize some runes with his tongue. Then they realized; the book was a translator for the monolith! Excited by the discovery, Hoshi flipped pages and pages and started to decrypt letter by letter, rune by rune. Finally, the message was all deciphered.

“Abandon your hope and life, ye who enter the Vault of Stars,” Hoshi read out loud the decrypted message.

The monolith rumbled as it shifted behind, and lo, behold! An entrance to the underground revealed itself, a dark, ominous voice humming from it. Hoshi gulped and descended the stairs that led him to the deep, dark abyss.


This is also such a nice chapter, but I did get a little lost here and there.
My main question over here is: Is this boy, Hoshi, the same boy from chapter one? Or am I reading from someone else his perspective now?

Over here I got confused: The child continues exploring the mysterious world until they reach a point where they stand in front of a monolith; carved with mystic runes and letters.

You did mention his name was Hoshi, but still I couldn't quite figure out wether he is the same boy from chapter one.

I like the warning, it gives readers some kind of creep feeling which only adds greatness to your story. Nice paragraph over here too. I like the fact that it is not to long, neither short. The music fits with this paragraph also. Nice job!

ENTRY 2-1

Requirement: Play Cyberpunk as Tsuki

The boy woke up from his slumber in the middle of the forest. The obsidian tree rustled from the invisible gale blowing across his face, its white leaves falling from the strong winds one by one.

Several shards of glass and dark weapons surrounded the confused boy, and white light seeped between the groves. When the boy stood up from the blanket of black soil, the objects levitated with him and started circling him like planets.

The boy naturally did not question the anomaly, for he is familiar with this anomaly happening in his home. But he no longer resides in the world filled with the magic he used to know. He covers his face with his hands as one of the glass shards accidentally reflects the sunlight toward him.

"Where could I be?" he thought to himself. He was curious about the new surroundings because, in his world, there were almost no trees. All the trees in the boy's world were synthetic, only details from gifts that disguised ugly truths that hid beneath the surface. Therefore, the boy is generally satisfied that he is in another world, for he is no longer worried about exposing the truth to the public or staining his hand with red blood.

But the other percentage of his satisfaction was fueled by his survival. How will he eat, sleep peacefully, and defend himself against brutal nature? It was the question that the boy could not answer. He attempted to speak with the objects, hoping they were either sapient or sentient, but none of them dared to reply. All of them were inanimate creatures whose sole purposes were to cause harm.

"All these objects surrounding me," the boy finally spoke, "the objects can harm me and others, are they not?" The boy attempted to grab one of the floating objects, and all the artifacts started pointing at him. He dropped the glass fragment he was touching, blood dripping from his hand as he could feel each sharp corner of the glass, and dropped it. The glass shard returned to its orbit, peacefully spinning as if none of the incidents ever occurred.

But the stranger thing was that his hands mended. Despite the blood soaking the forest's black soil and showing a shade of red, his hands did not show signs of injury. Finding this also interesting, the boy smiled as he continued exploring the dark forest.


My question here again, It is not so clear whether the child from chapter one is Hoshi or Tsuki.

I do have a suggestion for this chapter.
Add some more clarity and coherence: Some sentences and descriptions could benefit from clearer and more concise language to improve overall readability. For example, in the second paragraph, the sentence "When the boy stood up from the blanket of black soil, the objects levitated with him and started circling him like planets" could be revised to enhance clarity.

For the rest, I think this chapter was great too and I really like the content itself. This story kind of makes me think about the Netflix serie, The 100. I get that kind of vibe while reading. Fantastic with awesome sauce on top!

ENTRY 2-2

Requirement: Play Electromagnetic Stealth Girl Born In Philadelphia as Tsuki

While walking along the mysterious monochromatic forest, the boy remembered a strange memory that he thought he did not experience. There he stood, in a vision of fire and ice, where two armies fought against each other, seeking revenge for a genocide that none had started. Or at least, that is what his intrusive thoughts, strange voices implanted in his head, explained.

He felt disgusted by seeing atrocious crimes happening in his head. Death’s angels were reaping soul by soul in their feast, devouring the souls of the slain ones. Why did he specifically have to see this vision? Why now?

There is no answer; the objects surrounding the inquisitive boy do not reply, for they are nothing but animate entities. But the war continues in his head, and he suddenly hears his name called out in all directions.

“Tsuki!” the voice screams out for his name. The boy is confused about whether the voice came from the monochromatic reality or the intrusive voices and scenarios in his head.

Hold on a minute, intrusive voices? Yikes, that did not sound great at all.

Despite the rants and worries, the vision continues. The war abruptly ends with a mountain of corpses as several creatures disturbingly wander along the unburied bodies. It's a gruesome vision, and Tsuki believes he is being filled with Filth. Perhaps his superstitions still get him, and he wishes to cleanse himself, somehow repent to a god out there and beg for forgiveness.

"O God, this world is miserable. Why must I encounter a cruel vision in the middle of a world I do not know?" he questioned out loud. The response Tsuki got was the wind's howls with the leaves rustling, along with the silence from his animate fellows.

With anger, he slapped one of the glass shards to the ground, and it broke into several pieces. Out of frustration, he screamed and slammed his head on the tree repeatedly; at one point, he could feel his blood trickling down his head.

"Calm down, young one," a wise voice inside his psyche spoke. "You must stop this madness! I have found the true goal of why you were sent to this world."

"Who are you?" Tsuki paused and questioned out loud.

"I am KLV, the god of this monochromatic universe," the wise voice introduced himself, "I am trapped underground, be if you follow my orders, we will have a deal. I apologize for intruding on your mind and showing you this vision. I planned the destruction of this universe and came to warn you. If you follow my orders, I shall rescue you from the hellish tribulations the others must suffer."

"Others?" Tsuki asked the enigmatic god. "There are other people out there?"

"Indeed, my beloved child. You are the worthiest one of them all, and I shall become your guiding light. Is this a contract we should make?"

Tsuki hesitated for a second but perceived it futile to resist a god. After all, can a human defeat a god easily?

"I accept."

He didn't know that underneath, the dog-headed entity was smirking wickedly.


Well, well. What do we have here. Some Greek mythology. I like the idea of adding Cerberus in your story.

((Google says, In ancient Greek mythology, there exists a three headed dog called Cerberus that guards the entrance to Hades, a misty and gloomy Underworld in which spirits of the dead are permitted to enter but none are allowed to leave.))

Looks like Tsuki has bought himself a ticket to death from Cerberus itself. I wonder what will happen to him? This is getting interesting and creepy.

(*Me asking my spider under my bed in his cobweb: "Yo Spidey, whatyathink will happen to Tsuki here? Ya' think he'll live?"
He blinked two times, I suppose that means, "Be ready for everything. and lets pray for Tsuki. If anyone will know what happens to Tsuki or will or can change his fate it is the one and only Kelisot. Have mercy, Kelisot."
"TNX a lot, Spidey. I'll be ready for everything.")

I did think you could work on your dialogue attribution over here: Add clearer indications of who is speaking during dialogues. This will help readers follow the conversation more easily. For instance, specify whether Tsuki or the wise voice is speaking in certain parts to avoid confusion.

Also consider balancing the action and introspective moments to maintain an engaging pace. This will keep readers intrigued while allowing them to delve into Tsuki's internal struggles.

ENTRY 3-1

Requirement: Play Alone Intelligence as Taiyou

She sees grey rubbles across the white, vast rocky plains. She remembers that a lofty skyscraper once stood there, which she guarded as her task. But these memories are vague; she cannot make them out exactly.

"I am c3Vu, also known as Taiyou," she retrieved her thoughts from a file, "I once guarded the monochromatic world's skyscrapers, but some of my memories are locked."

Attempting to retrieve a memory from her mind, the files were locked or distorted, but one text file remained unlocked. Taiyou opened the message to find a memo from an old friend.

"Taiyou, I have finally given you the gift of a human heart as a reward for protecting the monochromatic world from the dog-headed god's minions and himself. You will explore the world freely and learn about emotions through your new power," she read the text file out loud, "as a gift for entering the new world, I will gift you the power of the Kioku, where objects will surround you and guide you along the way."

When Taiyou moved her arms and her metallic boy, shards of rubble, glass, and scaffolding floated amongst her. "Delicate and lovely. So is this the power of Kioku?" she replied monotonously. If she were human, she would have been human. It was too bad that she was born as another android.

"Explore this ruined paradise, one with a human heart. If you are reading this, delete this. I am already dead, and be aware that the negative emotions that you will experience will bring you nothing but strife."

Obeying the commands, the robot with sentiment stood up and started marching across the colorless plains. What supposed to be was the Sun above was replaced with nothing. Taiyou closes her eyes and remembers the horrors of her past; the sun's sinews descending like angels, burning their victims with sadistic pleasure, people screaming across cities.

No.

She opened her eyes again. The first emotion she experienced with the human heart was curiosity and confusion. The next emotion she experienced recently was fear. Taiyou knew these negative emotions would become her demise, so she sought to find goodness and optimism.


Oehhh...Spidey! There is a new person! Another character here, this is getting quite interesting. I love the idea of her being a whole robot and now getting the chance to exploit how it feels to be a human. Great job! I think you took a long time getting to that idea, and trust me it paid off. I really like it!

I have some suggestions for this chapter too,
Smoothly integrate the retrieval of memories: Instead of abruptly stating that her memories are locked, show Taiyou's struggle to access her memories and create a sense of mystery and curiosity. Use descriptive language to convey her frustration or confusion.

Improve dialogue and characterization: Make the dialogue more natural and expressive, reflecting the emotions and personalities of the characters. Show Taiyou's robotic nature through her speech patterns and mannerisms, and contrast it with the emotions she is starting to experience with the human heart.

Build suspense and tension: Develop the memo from the old friend in a way that creates anticipation and intrigue. Add more details about the dangers and challenges Taiyou may face in the new world, as well as the consequences of negative emotions.

Overall, you did a great job with this chapter too. I really like her name too.

ENTRY 3-2
Type: Text Log

Requirement: Play Robot Dreams as Taiyou



So where does she find the emotions she desperately needs and is commanded to find? The first thought Taiyou had in mind was that perhaps the Kioku she was gifted with by the unknown person from the text file was a clue to solving this mysterious riddle.

She forces one of the glass shards to come near her as she watches with wonder, showing reflections of the ruined landscape. She also wonders, what exactly happened? There must’ve been another force pulling the strings. It was impossible that Taiyou's army of robots had failed to protect her land from the dog-headed god.

There was only sadness filled in the colorless world. Curse the human heart, Taiyou thought. She could feel grief, unlike her former self, who had no emotions and whose only goals were to protect and kill. Through a mirror, she could see her stoic reflection. Was she crying human tears? She looked very horrendous with a sad face.

"There is no meaning to cry. By grief, I'll find joy," she replied as she continued exploring. She eventually reached what seemed to be a library lacking books on its shelf. She picked up one of the books about a robot and read the story. She was mesmerized by the tale as it whispered to her ears about a robot who sought to understand the emotions of love. To Taiyou, love was futile and the last one she sought to understand, but it piqued her interest. Several human tragedies explained how strong human love was. But Taiyou was uninterested in love.

She tossed the book away, finding it meaningless (she wouldn't confess to anyone that she was interested in love, however). But she felt a tingle in her human heart; was this the joy that she sought? If that was true, she enjoyed her feelings. Finally, escaping from the grief over her nation, she had something else to focus on.


I love the picture that you have added for this chapter. I love books and seeing them shattered on the floor like this makes my heart break. But it also fits nicely with your chapter. So, amazing job here!

So tiny tips,
Your transition between ideas: The transition between different thoughts and actions could be smoother. For instance, the transition from Taiyou contemplating the glass shard to wondering about the forces at play could be made clearer and more fluid.

Consistency of perspective: There are shifts in perspective between the third person ("Taiyou thought") and the first person ("By grief, I'll find joy"). Maintaining a consistent perspective throughout the chapter would enhance the narrative flow.

Descriptive language: Adding more descriptive language and sensory details could create a more vivid and immersive experience for the reader, particularly when describing Taiyou's emotions and the world around her.

Overall, I really liked this story. I do hope you continue it, because it looks like it is going to be a great one. As I mentioned before this story kind of gives me the vibe of the Netflix serie "The 100" And I like that, because it is one of my favourite series.

I would suggestion, maybe make Taiyou some kind of AI in a human body. The 100 has that too and I think it would be great in your character. You can decide wether you make her "Allie (a bad AI, from the 100)" or "Bekka Pramheda (a good AI, from the 100)"

This story also gave me that kind of Greek mythology vibe, which is totally dope. I loved the mention of Cerberus. I think that would be great if you based it a bit on the Greek mythology. The mention of Gods in your story also gave that away.


I am very happy I came across your story! Have a nice day or night! Keep writing! You are amazing!

Robotically yours,
Rinisha




Kelisot says...


Thank you for reviewing! Sorry to disappoint you a bit, but the God Tsuki encountered with was not the tree-headed dog, but someone else you might know...

And yes, you did point out several things I worried about. Thank you for pointing that out, I'll aim to write better in the future!



NadyaStatham says...


Hey there,

And yes, you did point out several things I worried about. Thank you for pointing that out, I'll aim to write better in the future!


ofc. Im glad to help out a fellow writer. Don't worry. You didnt dissapoint me. But for the question, who is the boy in the first chapter? or will that get explained later on?

Thank you for reviewing! Sorry to disappoint you a bit, but the God Tsuki encountered with was not the tree-headed dog, but someone else you might know...

Oehhh....I will be waiting then, to find out.

See ya,
Rinisha




Ogres are like onions.
— Shrek