Song of the Secret Keepers

I'm ba-ack; hehe

Part Three

Immediately the hinge of his jaw constricted at the tart flavor, the skin cracking as he chewed. It was not unlike the jaw-clenching taste of a cranberry, but more in line with the subtle graces of the pomegranate.

"There's no seeds." Ryal peeled apart the fragile flesh of the fruit to peer inside.

"Of course not," Daki replied with a secretive smile. "The trees don't produce seeds, Madur Stygian."

"Then how is it they make more?" Morthin interjected as Ryal continued to dissect his fruit[s]. There were bits of it in on his fine napkin as he poked around[/s], eating small pieces as he delved into it.

It was repeated twice more to fill three cups. She placed the pot atop the tray and sat, lifting her own glass.

"Not every day. She keeps it to one time each week, and one of us always sits with her, to share in the White Snow..."

I'd say "once" instead of "one time" or "someone" instead of "one of us" to avoid repetition.

Random middle of story note: I love how Morthin talks!!

When Ryal is savoring the tea... nice that the softer word, savor, is used with the softer person, Ryal, and that previously, Morthin jumps to his feet and tosses his tea. I'd try to expand on that.

The very last sentence in chapter one is too long/wordy to be effectively humerous; see how you can cut it down.

Chapter Two

Too much information to be relevant in the first line? I think it loses the effect.

The information about physical features seemed like too much information as well, and that general section seemed o unnecessarily employ lofty speech.

This injury is for a reason and I don't need anything to help me along.

This is too telling-like. Try to show these things better.

"I can get along just fine without it." An understanding smile settled on the man's face, crinkling the edges of his eyes as a hand came to rest heavily upon Lakyle's shoulder.

G’day, Kel ^_^ this is the story of which we were talking plot points, no?

Part One

I don’t like how the first three sentences began with nouns; I’d consider changing it up a bit. Other than that, your writing style is very nice to read because even though there were all these names I didn’t know (and couldn’t really pronounce ^_^) I didn’t feel like I didn’t know what was going on.

Morthin lifted himself onto his black leather boots, fine suede trousers in the creamiest of white tucked into them. His fine linen shirt was torn in places, mudded in others, the collar askew though he made no move to adjust it.

Morthin stood a full head shorter than Ryal, and the stark difference in their coloring often alarmed those around to see them.

His meaty hands enveloped the soft, worn wood of the top, callused palms rubbing against it. He was slightly rotund with a wide girth about him due to years of heavy lifting with his stomach. He had a merry grin and pale blue eyes the likes many in Entee had never seen before. Despite his build, Toc had a gaggle of ladies searching for his devotion.

The silvery laughter of the Dornex boy glittered on the crisp springtime air as the eldest of the Stygian children gave him a great shove into the practice ring ropes.

"As long as we get outta the sun. You know how [s]much[/s] I burn, Ryal."

"Yes, you say that now, but what if I did burn?"

[s]That caused [/s]the Stygian boy [s]to[/s] cringe in jest before striding with long legs into a little cafe next to a man hawking cheap jewelry.

The atmosphere reeked of cosmopolitan influence

A grand tapestry denoting the current rulers of the elves proclaimed itself loudly against the southern wall of the chamber.

"Welcome to the Seven Stars Teahouse, Madura. Would you care to bask in the sunlight here in the main hall, or are your tastes more private?"

Morthin sat and leant far to the side to watch the fiery beauty slip away, almost seeming to take a piece of the sun with her

"I am Daki and I will serve you anything it is you wish, Madura." Both boys looked over to behold a short young lady with fiery hair. It was styled in pieces, every other piece braided and pinned to her head to give her the look of tassels. "If there is anything I might suggest to the Madura then I am only here to make you happy."

Daki nodded and brushed her waist-length tassels behind her shoulder. "Maduri Aldora normally orders our most rare and delicate of tea. It is called White Snow. A very sweet plant grown only in the uppermost peaks of the Great Mountains, which separate the human lands from those of the elves. Very few of us are trained in the retreival of such plants. Those that are are regarded with deep respect and honor."

“ heard you can't tell the difference between the boys and the girls right off," he said. "They're both more beautiful than the meaning of the word."

"Well?" Ryal prodded as he gave Morthin's booted foot a gentle nudge with his own.

Her voice beat a steady rhythm against the boys' ears, each one hanging on every word.

Oh geez! That would be my eyes and the alphasmart! Oh, man. I'll fix it!

Hi again! First off, did you mean to repeat that first part over and over again? If so, I wouldn't and if, as I expect, it was a typo, you need to delete the two repetitions of the beginning and read it through carefully next time before you post.

A few suggestions -

The temples were going grey, giving him rather a stately appearance clad in his dark blue robes. [This might sound better if you phrased it - 'The temples were going grey, giving him a rather stately appearance that complimented his dark blue robes.']

The trio [s]was[/s] were ushered into the house, Quill stopping to pick[s]ed[/s] up both broom and carpet.

Nothing was heard but the puttering [Did you mean pattering?] of the professor in the kitchen, the deep breathing of Tiers, and the shallow, forced breath of Quill.

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Other than that, it wasn't as good as some of the previous installments but you still have lovely description and the characters are really loveable. Great work as usual.

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Part one -

Your description is amazing and the characterization for Toc is great. The other three characters all seemed rather similar but that's okay, you'll have plenty of time to separate their personalities later. I have only one suggestion -

His fine linen shirt was torn in places, mudded in others, the collar askew though he made no move to adjust it. [I think it should be muddied rather than mudded or perhaps covered in mud?]

Part 2 -

Again, some amazing description and I love how you make drinking a cup of tea seem exotic. I hate the stuff and yet I have the strangest temptation to go downstairs and make a cup... As for your characterization, now there are plenty of differences between the characters and here are a few specific points -

Tiny bells jangled at her ankles and wrists as she led the two to a cozy little table clothed in a gold cloth. [Perhaps say a gold material rather than cloth for the sake of not being repetitive.]

Her bare feet made no sound on the polished wood floor. [Perhaps polished, wooden floor would be smoother?]

"Maduri Aldora normally orders our most rare and delicate of tea. [I think tea should be plural?]

"These pots are only cleaned with the finest of sand and only after the water has dried.

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Other than that, I can't fault your word choice. I'm not sure if I have time to read the rest tonight because I wanted to look at a few other things but I shall certainly read some more tomorrow. Until then, let me just say that you have a brilliant piece of writing here so far!

*Edit* Okay, I'm back. Sorry I took so long but I've read the rest now and have some comments...

Part 3 -

This is perfect. The new characters are great and the seriousness of the conversation and their attitudes is a brilliant contrast to the other scenes and characters. You have a lot of conflict in this part and I'm very curious as to how the priest was injured so good work there. I suppose I would like a little more description of where all this discussion takes place but other than that, it's brilliant.

Part 4 -

A few specific points first -

His breath wheezed in his throat after running acrosstown. [A space is needed between across and town.]

Morthin was in a similar condition, one hand on his chest as the other clutched the wrapped cane.

Lakyle's insistance of the cane had put into perspective his years: all seventy-eight of them. [You use years here but earlier, you mention seasons. Choose one or the other.]

Altogether, it was really good. I agree that your description has slipped a touch so I'd love for you to go back and add more in but you had some great dialogue in this part that more than made up for it. Also, the introduction of the song and the second priest is interesting. I can't wait for the adventure to start but I'm a little worried as to who your 'evil' characters will be. There again, there's plenty of time to introduce the threat and so far you've done a great job.

Hi Kel you doll face lol. I had promised you a critique and here it is.

"It was. And it is. I can feel it. Something is going on to disrupt them.

Paltin smiled again and reached across the mountainous stack of parchment, large hand covering those of Kytus. "That must have been the hardest thing you have said, son.

"We've already screwed up enough with Toc. If we don't get the payment back, he'll sack us both." Morthin nodded next to Ryal.

Now remember that Morthin and Ryal just stumbled into the temple/church after realizing how late they were getting the money for the blacksmith, Toc!

I don't like to edit before posting. I want people to see the very raw, basic bones of the story I'm trying to write. If I edit too much, I might be missing out on some great suggestions. My edit might be so great that they just don't want to think of anything to add. While doing it this way, I can get all kinds of feedback.

XD That's okay. My suggestion would be to read it on YWS after you have posted it to see if everything fits. Just a suggestion. I really like it, but I think that the detail is what really brings the reader into the story. XD (It is also my favorite part of your stories!) Lol. Keep up the good work! Love, 007

Yes! Fishes is a correct word! Referring to differing species, that is. Just one species, it's "fish".

Kinda like bananas being an herb. 'Tis a rare fact most people don't know.

Thanks, 007. I'll have to read through the scene again and see what I can do.

I post these directly from my Alphasmart which only lets me view 4 lines of text! When I stop and turn off the machine, I can't see much of what I've typed so I get lost.

What happened was I got so wrapped up in the dialogue that I forgot to take the reader into the setting!

This section is a bit confusing. I can't keep everyone straight and what is happening. Are the boys listening to the conversation? I thought only one person was arguing with the priest! And who is this Pelin? Isn't the priest old? SO...when did his father come into the scene? IT is just very confusing. Maybe I missed something. (Which is highly likely) But I don't think I did. Just, ever so often, remind your reader who is speaking and where the scene is taking place.
Other than that, this was good. More detail of what the church looked like would be marvelous. Lol.
007

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My wife pointed out to me that I apparently forgot to include what good I thought of her story. Might have been a copy/paste problem on my end as I did the critique in word first then pasted here.

Anyways, the fight scene was very well done as the previous poster did comment. The description of things via character interactions helps to nicely show their surroundings. So far it appears to contain pretty well thought out development with some interesting characters, such as the tea server.

I really like your first few lines from the first chapter.

To me, they seemed to describe he thrill of competing very well. Time seems to stop running like fluid during crucial moments for me.

Keep up the good work!!!

Stillgrave wrote:Nooooo.... Not "fishes" please, please don't.

You left me hanging here between this post and the next. Just what about the bracelet drew his attention? Why? What did he do with it? Did he buy it, steal it, what?

The words used by Morthin here seem to be off given the readers (mine) impression of the characters general intelligence from previous dialogues.

Laugh/laughed used twice in the same sentence, sorry, again I'm picky.

Hovering it over another what exactly?

Something for luck? This thought seems incomplete to me, even with the closing paragraph. More development here on just what "for luck" means as at first read, I thought you meant for her to put some tea into something for later. Like a doggy-bag.

No real need to describe his hair as shoulder length three words prior to stating that he brush his hair over his shoulder.

You complain about my use of comas? How about a new sentence or such here?

Excellent! You have helped me realize how I need to write. I love you're signiture! You are absolutely amazing! XD I have never read so good of a writer who is unpublished!
Or, are you published? Please keep writing! I love the story! I can't wait to read more!
Love, in awe, 007

Ryal gestured with a flapping hand to a stall of shellfish. The ridged facades of clams glinted in the early afternoon sun, scales of fishes flashing as they passed. Bright pink gills, salty smells all beckoned the boys to buy. The port town of Entee welcomed many varying adventurers from all across the world to sample the sea.

That caused the Stygian boy to cringe in jest before striding with long legs into a little cafe next to a man hawking cheap jewelry. Morthin paused to eye a particular bracelet that sparkled a rich maple color amidst the braided gold.

Her brilliant honey hair was braided in an intricate pattern, woven over her head in and out of itself and more of the gold chains.

Morthin grimaced and Ryal flushed before the fair friend claimed, "Just the main hall, please. We're only here for a brief respite before we head to the church." Morthin fixed the Lilitian beauty with a charming smile.

The serving girl gave a grandiose bow and swept her arm to the side. Her dress appeared to be made of the passion of air, the color so vibrantly red and the make so light it seemed to blaze about her in a haze. Tiny bells jangled at her ankles and wrists as she led the two to a cozy little table clothed in a gold cloth. Her bare feet made no sound on the polished wood floor.

"Please sit," she offered before placing two small cards atop the cloth. They were stiff linen and edged in scarlet lace, the wording embroidered in gold thread. "I will send Daki to you to serve. Peace be, Madura. Daki will attend shortly."

A laugh tinkled from its throat, a wispy sleeve of spun gold floating about its arm as it laughed into the back of its hand. Hair of the most brilliant auburn cascaded in rich and lustrous curls down its back, tiny roses in gold dotting the mane. A very long skirt in glittering gold was clipped at its hip so it split when it walked, bare feet whispering across the floor.

"This is the pot in which the water will be poured. It is poured gently over the tender white leaves of the tea, swirling them in a dance of flavor and passion. It is said that tea awakens the passions in many. After I experienced White Snow for the first time, I found myself enflamed with the desire to share such a thing with others. Perhaps the two of you may become enflamed with desire."

"There's no seeds." Ryal peeled apart the fragile flesh of the fruit to peer inside.

"Of course not," Daki replied with a secretive smile. "The trees don't produce seeds, Madur Stygian."

"Then how is it they make more?" Morthin interjected as Ryal continued to dissect his fruit. There were bits of it on his fine napkin as he poked around, eating small pieces as he delved into it.

"That, dear Madura, is a secret known only to the Liliti. The tea is ready." Daki stood as the short time elapsed, her dainty hands picking up the glass pot. The leaves lay swollen on the bottom, giving off an aroma all their own.

Ryal and Morthin remained enrapt, staring as Daki halted the stream, hovering it high over another. It was repeated twice more to fill three cups. She placed the pot atop the tray and sat, lifting her own glass. Leaves were still suspended in the liquefied sunlight.

Ryal took a little more time to savor the last dregs of tea in the bottom of the cup, pushing it at Daki. "Could you put these in something for luck, please, Daki?" He smiled back at her as she picked up the cup. "Thanks."
&
"Ryal, we need to go and now. The sun's already more in the windows on the west. We've been here for hours." Morthin's voice was taut with anxiety as he hoisted the cane onto his shoulder. It was then that the Lilit returned with a small pendant on a slip of red silk string.

Pinching the bridge of his nose, Kytus sighed heavily and brushed his shoulder-length brown hair over his shoulder with his free hand. The sleeve of his white robe flapped to collapse at the crook of his elbow. He turned his eyes to the acolyte and asked, "How is using a cane going to ease the villagers into letting a lame priest care for their wounds, Lakyle?"

Both priest and acolyte jumped as the doors to the church were flung open, flooding the stone floor with a wash of yellow light. Two sillouhettes broke the shard of sun as Morthin and Ryal careened across the floor, through an invisible Seal set into the building, and stopped, gasping, in front of Kytus and Lakyle.

The smug smirk of the over confident graced Ryal's thin lips.

With a good-natured chuckle, Morthin lifted himself onto his black leather boots, fine suede trousers in the creamiest of white tucked into them. His fine linen shirt was torn in places, mudded in others, the collar askew though he made no move to adjust it.

Ryal's attire was similarly scuffed due to the final fall. Picking himself up the eldest of the Stygian children dusted off the maroon tunic he wore, tugging it down beneath his ruddy leather belt. Black linen trousers were tucked into his beaten boots. "I was only a fool to turn my back on a Dornex."

Clowns of Entee Village, Ryal and Morthin were not often far from trouble and mayhem.

"If you boys're done messin' around in front of my shop, per'aps you'd best get to these errands." Toc son-Lanil Angelusi leant against the sturdy pikes that bespoke the border of the fighting ring. His meaty hands enveloped the soft, worn wood of the top, callused palms rubbing against it. He was slightly rotund with a wide girth about him due to years of heavy lifting with his stomach. He had a merry grin and pale blue eyes the likes many in Entee had never seen before. Despite his build, Toc had a gaggle of ladies searching for his devotion.

Ryal rolled his vibrant eyes over to Morthin, pulling his lips back from his teeth in an agitated snarl. The eyes of the Stygian clan were always the same starting with Ryal's mother, Quill. They were all a very brilliant shade of lime green.

"Aw, Toc, can't we test out some of yer weapons? Brings in customers every time." Morthin opened his hands in a plea, furrowing his pale brown brows at the smith. When he saw Toc's face darken into a scowl he knew to back off.

"Best do as he says, else we'll never hear the end of it. Don't we gotta go to the church? There's a delivery of this cane over there. I know Kytus ain't one for a cane, so who's it for?" Morthin asked as he guided Ryal well away from the bubbling Toc.

Great! The way you described the pouring of the tea nd the drinking was fab; you really built up a picture of what it would look like.

Only this bothered me:

Kel wrote:Ryal and Morthin remained enrapt, staring as Daki halted the stream, hovering it high over another. It was repeated twice more to fill three cups.

Kel wrote:"Uncle you've got to use it. I ordered it already and paid for half of it. Besides, your leg isn't --"
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Ch2
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Kytus son-Lamra Dragonsbane cut off his nephew with a wave of his hand, an aggravated expression on his face.

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This was absolutely amazing! I hope you continue it! You must! I beg you! You are an excellent writer. I hope to be like you one day! Such detail and ellegence flows from every sentence! It is absolutely amazing! Keep up the good work!

Thanks for the tips, ST.

The word "companion" only meant that. Like a compatriot, friend.

As for the undertones, you're the only one that caught it. But "companion" didn't refer to any sort of life-partner.

I just wanted some clarification on how "from what seemed like everywhere" is cheap? They're supposed to be coming from everywhere.

Not a lot of people have ever sat down and experienced a cup of tea. It's a wonderful thing.

Second Part:

Little warning bells started going off when I read this:

Kel wrote:Sitting back, Morthin let his head fall to gaze out of the eastern window. The sunlight seemed to explode through both sides of the building, bathing the entire common room in a warm and sensuous light. It caught his hair and cast dramatic shadows over his face. He failed to notice Ryal watching not the surroundings, but Morthin himself.

Kel wrote:Ryal shrugged and refused to meet his companion's eyes.

Kel wrote:The main room was swathed with gold and red silk, dripping with fine, glittering gold chains from what seemed like everywhere.

First Part:

Good beginning. Didn't spot any errors; there were just a few odd sentances that could have been worded better. Like here:

Kel wrote:The crowd roared in approval as Morthin crawled to lie next to the other.

Kel wrote:The eyes of the Stygian clan were always the same starting with Ryal's mother, Quill. They were all a very brilliant shade of lime green.

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