Published April 13, 2008
Oh, the shame
of what this world became
of how the memories no longer remain
Have we all forgotten the happiness
that once came down in the rain?
Oh the shame
of all the glory and fame
That made the world lose its wild horse's mane
and put us in misery and pain
that drove us...insane
Oh the shame!
of the selfishness and tame
that caused the falling crimson droplets from wrists being maimed
How could we have let them take us down?
I cry ashamed
Oh the shame...
[So I know it's the not best, really I know. It's a really old poem of mine. Go ahead and say anything. I'll take it in no matter how harsh, if it is harsh. Just so you know, I'm not good with punctuation either. So I could use some pointers.]
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This is what threw me off as well. But that's about it. Otherwise I was impressed with the rhyming of the piece. I can't rhyme to save my life.
Hello, Keisha-Ann. You asked for a nit-picky critique, I give you one...
The idea of this was quite good. I'm not usually a fan of the whole rhyming almost every last word, but I'm okay with it this time. A+ for idea, my friend.
Now, grammar and such things...
Might sound better as Oh, the shame
I would say either capitalize the first letter of every line or get rid of the capitalization on the last line. The last line might also sound better broken into two.
That made the world lose its wild horse's mane. (Grammar check
To tell you the truth, this confused me. Of the selfishness and tame...why the tame? Is it just because it rhymes. Enlighten me, please. And wrists being slain= spooky. Wrists being maimed might work better, as slain means killed.
Here ya' go, friend.
Ky