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Young Writers Society



The Imagination of Lily Barton Chapter One

by Keeley


This is extremely long and I thank anyone who sticks with it all the way through. I can't wait to hear your responses!

Chapter One

A Very Strange Birthday

Lily Barton was a very plain and very ordinary girl. She had plain shoulder length brown hair and plain blue eyes. She was not the prettiest girl in her class or the ugliest. She was not the tallest or the shortest child. She got average grades and got satisfactory marks in gym class. In grade school, she always stood in the middle row of the class picture, blending in with the children around her. In high school, she was in choir and in clubs but was never the soloist or the president. Most of her classmates had trouble remembering her name when looking through their high school yearbooks. She was quite happy being the average girl going to a standard school living with her normal parents and normal older brother in a run of the mill white house at 424 East First Street. They even drove a common blue Dodge Caravan that sat in an average one stall garage. The family pet was an average golden retriever who had an average red dog house with his average name, Rover, painted above the entrance. But Lily Barton had a secret that none of the children she grew up with ever knew. She didn’t even know it herself. Lily Barton was not aware there was anything special, even interesting, about her until her twentieth birthday.

The day had started off like any other average twenty year old girl's birthday. Lily had gotten up at 7:30 that October morning, fed her goldfish named Goldie, taken a shower, brushed her teeth, and gotten dressed in a red hooded sweatshirt and blue jeans. She blew her hair dry and pulled it back in a ponytail. She put on mascara and lip gloss and checked her appearance in her floor-length mirror as she bounded out of her bedroom. If she had been a little more observant, she would have noticed the strange lizard (or was it a cat?) perched on a limb outside her bedroom window, watching her every move.

"Happy birthday, Lily!" her mother called from the kitchen as Lily descended the staircase. Lily turned the corner and walked into the dining room where her mother had breakfast waiting for her. On an ordinary day, Lily would run through the kitchen, give her mom a quick hug before grabbing a package of toaster pastries and running out the door for school at the local community college. But since today was Lily's birthday, her mother had made breakfast for her and Lily had remembered to get up just a little bit earlier. Lily sat down to a breakfast of scrambled eggs, bacon, sausage links, pancakes with maple syrup and a large glass of milk. There was a large chocolate chip muffin with a solitary candle in the center of a chocolate icing "20" on its top. There were two cards leaning against the sweating milk glass, one in a pink envelope and the other in a red one. Next to the muffin was a small square package wrapped in gold foil with red bow on top.

"Thanks, Mom!" Lily yelled in the direction of the kitchen as she sat down to enjoy her breakfast. She had just picked up her fork when her mother entered the room with a small glass of orange juice.

"Oh, well, my little girl only turns twenty once!" Melissa Barton pulled out the chair next to Lily at the round wooden table and sat down. Lily rolled her eyes at this comment. This was the same comment her mother had said to her every birthday of her life. She wished her mother would come up with something a little more creative since Lily already knew she only turned every age once.

Melissa Barton was a tall fifty year old woman with clear blue eyes, graying brown hair and a strong jaw line. Her skin was tanned from gardening all summer. Her hair was flipped in a style that was very fashionable in the seventies. She was athletic and always tried to encourage Lily to go jogging or biking or rollerblading with her. As avid as Mrs. Barton was about exercise, she was just as adamant against change. Lily knew her mother would prefer it if neither one of them ever had birthdays at all. Her mother was not looking forward to growing older. There was evidence of wrinkles around her eyes and mouth and she was beginning to look her age. Lily always thought of her mother as lean and energetic and young, and hated to see her getting older. As Lily had this thought while looking at her mother, she thought some of the wrinkles under her mother's eyes disappeared. Lily blinked and decided it must have just been the way her mother had been smiling.

"So, do you have any big plans for tonight, birthday girl?” Mrs. Barton asked before taking a sip of her orange juice. Lily waited until she swallowed the large bite of pancake she had in her mouth before she answered.

"Well, not really, I’m going over to Molly's house to watch a movie, but I'm not staying out long because I have a history test tomorrow morning," Molly was Lily's best friend since the sixth grade and it was a ritual on both girls’ birthdays to watch a movie and celebrate with the other girl's family. Lily wondered why her mother had asked. She knew this is what she always did on her birthday.

"It isn't very fun to have a birthday on a Tuesday is it?" Lily's mother sighed. She started looking at Lily's cards. "I figured you would have opened your cards before you started eating!"

Lily had planned on waiting until she was done eating to open her gifts, but she laid her fork down and swallowed the last bit of scrambled eggs she was chewing. It was obvious that her mother wanted her to open her cards now. Lily wiped her hands on her napkin and picked up the card in the pink envelope. It had "Lillian" written in loopy flowery handwriting Lily recognized as her grandmother's. She flipped the card over and slipped her finger under the sealed flap.

The birthday card was covered in several pastel flowers with the words "Happy Birthday" written in gold lettering. It smelled strongly of Lily's grandmother's house. Lily got a big whiff of stale perfume, cigarette smoke, and cat litter as she opened the card. A twenty dollar bill fell out onto her lap as she read her grandmother's message. "Happy Birthday to my most beautiful granddaughter.” She thought she should be her grandmother's most beautiful granddaughter, since Lily was her only granddaughter. Lily picked up the twenty dollar bill.

"Another twenty dollar bill from Grandma," Lily announced to her mother as she reached for the red envelope. This envelope had a postmarked stamp and a return address in the corner. Lily immediately knew this was the reason her mother had been anxious for her to open her cards. This was obviously a card from her brother, Michael. Michael had gone off to graduate school in England about a year ago and the family had only seen him at Christmas last year. His once-a-month calls were short and correspondence from him was few and far between. Lily sensed her mother tense as Lily flipped the card over and ripped the envelope open. The card felt heavy as she pulled it out. As Lily opened the card, a golden chain fell out into her lap. Lily sat the card down on the table as she grabbed the necklace. She held it up in front of her to inspect it. The thin gold chain held a golden oval-shaped pendant with elaborate engraving that enclosed a large, red, teardrop shaped stone in its center. Another thin gold chain came out from the bottom of the pendant and another red teardrop shaped stone hung at the end of it. Lily’s first impression was that it looked like a cat’s eye crying blood. For a split second, Lily thought the stone was actually looking at her.

“Oh, that’s beautiful Lily!” Her mother cried as Lily turned the necklace around in the air. This necklace was obviously very expensive, and Lily couldn’t see her brother spending this much money on her just for her birthday. As a matter of fact, Lily couldn’t see her brother spending this much money on any girl. For a split second, Lily wondered if Michael had started robbing jewelry stores in order to pay back his student loans before her mother grabbed the necklace out of her outstretched hand.

“That’s just adorable Lily!” her mother gushed. “You have to write your brother back and tell him thank you for such a lovely gift!” Her mother had tears in her eyes looking at the necklace, and Lily thought she was probably wondering why Michael had only sent her a postcard of Big Ben on her birthday.

As Melissa Barton admired the necklace from every angle possible, Lily picked her brother’s card back up. The card had a picture of an ugly blood hound on it with drool coming out of its mouth. The words “Just Remember…” were written in black underneath the picture. Lily opened the card and the inscription read “I may have gotten the brains in the family, but you got the good looks. Happy Birthday.” Lily wondered if she was supposed to be the blood hound or if Michael was as she took a piece of notebook paper out of the card. The card seemed very unfitting for the gift that had come inside of it. The notebook paper was folded hastily into thirds and the ink had smudged. Her brother’s sloppy handwriting covered the page.

Dear Lil,

Isn’t this card hilarious? I picked it up in a little joke shop in London. Anyway, I thought I should explain the necklace I sent along with it. As I was leaving the joke shop on Saturday, an elderly lady came up to me. She had a hooded cloak on so I couldn’t see her face very clearly. She held out her hand and touched me on the shoulder. “Are you Michael Barton?” she asked me. I was a little taken aback that she knew my name since the only people I know in England are graduate students or professors, and I certainly don’t know any old women in London. I told her I was, and she said “Well then, send this to your sister. She will need it.” She held out this necklace and put it in my hand. I looked at it for a second, wondering how she knew I had a sister, and I was about to ask her that very question. But when I looked back up, she had vanished. Crazy, isn’t it? Well, I don’t think it’s dangerous at all, because I have been picking it up and inspecting it for a few days and I haven’t been poisoned and nothing disastrous has happened to me since I’ve had it. I guess I did get a poor mark on my last research project. But I highly doubt that had anything to do with this necklace. Probably has more to do with my new found fondness for the pubs around here. The necklace is very pretty in a Gothic, old-fashioned kind of way, don’t you think? Oh well, I thought I would send it to you since I have no reason to keep it, and that old lady did say you “needed” it, although I have no idea what for. Now I don’t have to buy you anything else for your birthday. Just kidding. Tell Mom and Dad hi and play Frisbee with Rover for me! I’ll see you around the holidays. Maybe you will have found a use for that necklace by then.

Love,

Michael

Lily couldn’t believe it. Her brother had always been a little short on the common sense side, but to just be accepting expensive jewelry from bag ladies off the street was a new low. It was obvious it was stolen or used in some sort of crime. Lily stared at the necklace her mother was now holding up to her own throat. What a complete idiot, Lily thought of her own brother as she stuffed the note and the card back into the red envelope. She knew what she would do with that necklace. She would stuff it in her jewelry box and leave it there along with all of the other jewelry she didn’t like and never wore.

Lily decided to let her mother continue to play with the necklace while Lily started to unwrap the gold box. Inside was a little white teddy bear holding a one hundred dollar gift certificate to Regina’s, Lily’s favorite clothing store. This was by far the best present Lily had received, far better than an odd-smelling twenty dollar bill and a creepy stolen necklace. This present was from her mother and father. Lily’s father was not at her birthday breakfast because he left the house at 7:15 every morning to commute to the city for work as an editor for Merton’s, a large publishing company.

Lily finished her now cold breakfast and glanced at the clock. It was half past nine and Lily’s first class was at ten. She took a final gulp of her milk and stood up. Her mother looked startled as all of her attention had been invested in inspecting the necklace Lily now thought to be repulsive. Lily’s mother stood up and gave Lily a hug before Lily darted into the kitchen to grab her book bag off the floor and her car keys from the rack by the door.

“’Bye Mom! Thanks for breakfast and the present!” Lily held the door open for a second, waiting for a response. When none came, Lily knew her mother was still playing with that vile necklace, so Lily slammed the door and walked across the backyard to her little blue Ford Escort sitting in the blacktopped driveway. Rover started barking as she jogged past his dog house.

“Hey boy! Mike says hi! How about we play Frisbee when I get outta school? Sound good?” Normally whenever the word “Frisbee” was mentioned around Rover, he leaped high in the air and almost did a back flip, because he knew this meant a few hours of attention. But Rover was not even looking at Lily. He was barking at something he had seen crawling in the branches of the oak tree planted outside of Lily’s window.

Lily thought it was rather strange that Rover did not stop barking when she got in her car and started to back out, but quickly forgot about it as she turned down the road toward her college and turned on her radio. Her thoughts drifted back to the necklace Michael had sent her. He should have taken it to the police, she thought. That would have been the logical thing to do. Or at least taken it to a pawn shop and gotten money for it. It was at least worth a few thousand dollars if it was genuine. Maybe it was a fake! It probably was, if some old lady was giving it away on the street. Michael had not described the lady in his letter. Perhaps it was an old rich woman who had lost her mind and was giving away her jewels on the street. Or a thief’s mother who had found his stash and was trying to clear her son’s name. Or perhaps she was a thief herself who was developing a guilty conscience in her old age. The possibilities were endless. Hadn’t Michael said she knew his name, and that he had a sister? Well, maybe he told the employee in the joke shop his name and that he was buying a birthday card for his little sister and the lady overheard him. Michael’s American accent had to stick out, and the woman probably thought the necklace would be far enough away across the ocean. And what was this junk about Lily “needing” the necklace? The woman probably just said that to make sure gullible Michael took the necklace from her. And then he said she vanished? People just don’t disappear into thin air, do they? He probably just missed her ducking down an alley or she got lost in a crowd. He hadn’t said how busy it was that day. If he was in downtown London on a Saturday, the sidewalk was probably bursting with people. Anyone could have blended out of sight on a busy day in a large city. And maybe this story about an old woman was just a load of junk, and Michael had come across the necklace some other way. But how?

Lily sighed and shook her head as she turned into the main parking lot of Paul Revere Community College. She had three classes today and she couldn’t afford to keep worrying about that silly necklace. She knew she wouldn’t wear it, so there really didn’t seem to be any more reason to worry about it. Her imagination always did seem to get the best of her.

Her classes went by faster than usual, and not until her third class did anything unusual happen. Lily went to her Composition class and was bored by forty-five minutes of grammar exercises and five minutes of taking notes on a five hundred word essay due Thursday. She then went to the cafeteria and ordered her usual cheese fries and a large orange soda for lunch and then made her way to her Biology lab. Lily spent two normal hours dissecting a very rigid frog and dreaded the fetal pig that would come next week as she cleaned her work station. She then went to her Psychology class. She glanced at the clock as she entered the room. It was five minutes before one, so most of her class should have already been there. But the room was empty. Even Mrs. Patterson, Lily’s old and monotone psychology teacher, was absent. Lily dropped her bag next to the desk second from the door in the last row, her usual seat. She sat down and looked out the door, wondering if class had been cancelled and she was the only one who didn’t know.

A sudden tap came from the corner of the room directly next to Lily. She jumped and turned toward the noise. She had thought she had been the only person in the room. In fact, she would have bet money on the fact that she had just looked at that corner and saw no one sitting in that desk. But now, there was a boy sitting in the desk, tapping his pencil against the wood. Or was it a pencil? It looked like a long thin stick or piece of wood. Lily looked at the boy. He was staring at her. His eyes seemed to pierce right through her, and Lily couldn’t tell if his eyes were blue or green or maybe even a color no one had thought of yet. His pupils seemed to be reflecting everything in the room, almost as if they were translucent, and Lily almost swore she could see herself in his eyes. But that was impossible, since he was sitting at least six feet away.

He had very messy hair that looked brownish, but Lily couldn’t really be sure of the color. It could have been black and the light was just reflecting off of it strangely or it could have been blond and just very, very dirty. Either way, it appeared as if he had just rolled out of bed and did not even own a comb. He was definitely younger than her, maybe seventeen or eighteen, and wearing an ill-fitting green sweater and brown slacks. His dirty tennis shoes looked very out of place, as if they were from the seventies. Lily got the strange feeling this boy had no idea how to dress and this was his ill-conceived attempt to not stick out. Well, he definitely stuck out.

Lily suddenly realized she was staring at the boy. She then realized he was staring back at her with those strange, yet enticing, eyes and did not feel so bad about being rude.

The boy smiled and Lily suddenly realized he was very attractive, bad clothes and all. Lily could feel her face flush as he started to speak.

“So you’re Lily Barton, huh?” asked the boy as if he didn’t need an answer.

“Y-Y-Yes,” Lily felt her face go even redder as she stuttered to get the word out. Lily suddenly was aware that maybe she was the only person who would find this boy attractive, and she suddenly wished Molly was there to say, “Oh, please, Lil! Just look at his hair! Yuck!”

The boy laughed at her. ”You’re kinda cute, ya know it? Anyways, I just wanted to scope ya out before the big event, see what new blood we were getting. I think you’ll do just fine.” The boy ran his fingers through his hair and for a moment Lily wondered if they would get caught. She would gladly help him get them out, maybe even brush his hair for him if he wanted. Lily shook her head to rid herself of these strange thoughts and could feel a little sweat break out on her forehead. She really wished he would quit staring at her. She suddenly wondered what he was doing there. She knew this boy was not in her psychology class. She had never seen him before in her life. She would definitely have remembered if she had seen this boy before.

“Well, I better not say anything more. Don’t want to spoil it for the big guy, ya know? He’d be pretty angry. Matter of fact, when he talks to ya, don’t tell him I came to see you. He gets touchy about these kinds of things. He likes to do everything by the book.” The boy looked up at the clock. It was now two minutes after one. ”Oh, it looks like I’ve made you late for class. Sorry about that.” The boy got up from his desk and meandered across the room toward the door. Lily did not take her eyes off of him. He stopped directly in front of her desk and she looked up at him. Those eyes seemed to be every color at once, like a kaleidoscope, swirling and reflecting everything in the room. Yet at the same time they were filled with a very strong emotion, one Lily couldn’t quite place. The way he was looking at her made her heart jump. He squinted at her, as if sizing her up. The colors danced together within his narrowed pupils. Lily imagined herself getting pulled out of her desk and into his eyes. She actually thought she could feel her body begin to float out of her seat.

“You are very pretty, you know it?” the boy said slowly. He started to smile again before a shocked expression suddenly came upon his face. “Oh, where are my manners? I didn’t introduce myself. My name’s Daniel, and trust me, we will be seeing more of each other. And by the way, happy birthday.” Daniel glanced at the clock again. “I did make you late, sorry!” And with that he swaggered out of the room. Lily noticed he didn’t have a book bag and wondered why he kept saying he had made her late. She was sitting in her classroom, wasn’t she? All of a sudden, she thought she saw Daniel’s pencil or stick or whatever it was he had been handling come back through the doorway. Hoping to get another glimpse of him, Lily leaned forward to look. Lily’s left foot slipped and her leg came up and hit the underside of her desk very hard. Lily grabbed her knee and was about to yell a word that would been very inappropriate to yell in a classroom when she just happened to look up. Mrs. Patterson was staring at Lily from in front of the chalkboard. There were two panels of notes already written behind her. The classroom was full and everyone had their notebooks out. They obviously had been taking notes until the noise of Lily’s knee hitting her desk interrupted them. The girl who sat next to Lily looked at her wide-eyed. Lily looked back at her with the same expression. How did she not notice her whole class come in? Surely she had not been so enthralled with that strange boy not to notice nineteen people walk into a room!

“Well, it’s very nice of you to join us, Miss Barton,” Mrs. Patterson said coolly. “Next time you plan on being late to class please be a little quieter about it.” She turned back around to the chalkboard and continued writing.

Lily was bewildered. She had no idea what was going on. Everyone else had been late, not her! She had been sitting there for almost ten whole minutes. But then, how did everyone else already have their supplies out and be taking notes that Lily hadn’t even seen on the board? And when had Mrs. Patterson started teaching?

Lily clumsily unzipped her bag and tried to pull her notebook out. She felt someone staring at her and for a split second thought maybe Daniel was standing outside the door watching her. She looked up and met the ordinary brown eyes of the girl next to her. She was still staring at Lily with her eyes wide.

“How did you get in here?” the girl asked. Lily had no idea what this girl’s name was and was starting to get annoyed.

“Same way you did, through that door.” Lily pointed her pencil at the door of the classroom.

“Well, I would have seen you wouldn’t I? And I didn’t see you come in, you were just sitting there! Patterson even called your name and you didn’t answer, and just a second later you were sitting there!” The girl kept looking at Lily as if she was going to pull a rabbit out of her book bag.

“Well, I don’t know how I did it then. Maybe your imagination’s playing tricks on you.” Lily turned back toward the front of the classroom and started taking notes, even though she could tell the girl was still staring at her from the corner of her eye. In all honesty, Lily couldn’t even explain to herself what had just happened. She only knew it had something to do with that strange boy.

*************

Lily thought about the boy on her way home from class. What was that entire mess he was talking about? Who was the “big guy” and what event was he talking about? He said she’d do just fine? She would do “just fine” at what? And how come she had been the only person to see him? As a matter of fact, how come no one had even seen her while he was in the room? And what was the deal with his eyes? And how did he know it was her birthday? Lily sighed as she pulled into her driveway. He had called her pretty, an adjective she very rarely got called. Oh, yes, she got “pretty” and “beautiful” sometimes, but mostly from her parents or grandmother. The best compliments she ever got from guys were “cute” or “nice”. Being twenty, she had had a few boyfriends, but nothing extremely serious or long-term. And none of them had ever made her feel as she did when she was looking at that boy today.

Lily got out of her car and walked over to Rover’s dog house. He was lazily lying inside and poked his head out when he heard her approach. He gave one lethargic woof and put his head back down. Lily thought he looked as if he had been chasing something all day. She hunched down and put her hands on her knees.

“Frisbee.” Lily said and Rover immediately came bounding out of his dog house and jumped up to lick her face.” Okay, okay, enough!” Laughing, she went to go get Rover’s Frisbee out of the garage. She still did not look up at the oak tree to see two beady eyes staring at her.

***************

After playing Frisbee for a few hours with Rover, Lily got in her car and headed over to Molly’s house. Lily debated whether to tell Molly about Daniel but decided that was just too weird. She only told her about Michael’s strange necklace and the other presents she had gotten at breakfast that morning. Molly didn’t think the necklace was strange at all. Then again, anything glittery and expensive was Molly’s favorite.

“Wow, I wish somebody in my family would get me some expensive necklace for my birthday! Actually, I wish my family would get me anything expensive for my birthday. All I ever get is two or three cards and a cake!” Molly rolled over on her stomach to look at Lily, who was sitting cross-legged on the floor beside Molly’s bed.

“Well, it wasn’t really expensive if Michael didn’t pay anything for it, now is it?” Lily started playing with the fringe on the burgundy pillow she was cradling in her lap. A movement outside Molly’s bedroom door caught her eye. She looked up and leaned forward to get a better view.

The movement had also caught Molly’s eye, and she knew exactly what it was.

“AURORA ELIZABETH, STAY AWAY FROM MY ROOM!” Molly screamed as she threw a pillow identical to the one Lily was fidgeting with out into the hallway. Lily heard Molly’s little sister mumble something about “Lily” and “card” before she ran down the stairs.

“Hold on Mol, I think she might have something for me.” Lily got up from the floor. Lily supposed having a six year old sister would be rather annoying, but she always thought Molly was too hard on the little girl. Lily would trade Michael and his expensive stolen necklace any day to have a little sister like Rory.

Rory was sitting at the bottom of the stairs with what looked to Lily like a homemade birthday card. Rory had her long mane of platinum blonde hair covering her face. Rory was the perfect opposite of Molly. While Molly had short black hair cut to her chin, Rory’s blonde hair hung beneath her waist. Molly had brown eyes and was round and plump all over, but Aurora was thin and very statuesque for a small child. It was hard to believe these two girls came from the same family. Lily had not known Molly when she was this age, and thought maybe Rory would look more like her sister when she got older. Lily sat down next to Rory on the steps. Rory looked up and Lily saw tear stains on her little flushed cheeks.

“Rory, do you have something for me?” Lily asked as she moved a few strands of blonde hair out of Rory’s face.

Rory’s face brightened. “I made…um…I made this….uh….for you.” She reached the hand holding the card out. She looked down at it and not at Lily as if she was afraid the card wasn’t good enough.

Lily took the card and looked at it. It was a large piece of red construction paper folded in half with “Happy Burthday Lillie” written on it in purple and green crayon. Lily opened it up to what she supposed was a drawing of a birthday cake with twenty candles on it. It could also have passed for a white Christmas tree with twenty orange pine needles sticking out of it. Lily closed the card and looked at Rory. The little girl was biting her bottom lip in anticipation.

“Rory,” Lily started, “I do believe this is the best birthday present I have gotten today.” Rory’s face absolutely lit up as Lily gave her a hug. “Now why don’t you go have a piece of my birthday cake? Tell your mom I said it was okay.”

Rory ran off to the kitchen and Lily went back upstairs to Molly’s bedroom. She really did think the card was the best present she had received. Molly looked at the card in disgust.

“What did the little brat give you? A homemade card? It’s sickening how kids can get away with that kind of stuff, but we have to go spend money on presents for people!” Molly flopped on her back and pointed the remote at her television.

“I think it’s cute.” Lily sat the card on the edge of Molly’s bed before she resumed her spot on the floor.

“Yeah, you wouldn’t think it was very cute if you lived with her. It’s hard to think someone is cute when they constantly go through your closet and throw all your clothes around to play “dress-up”.” Molly kept flipping channels and finally settled on a horror movie that was just starting.

The girls watched the movie and feasted on the triple layer chocolate cake Molly’s mother had made for Lily. At about nine o’clock, Lily left Molly’s and came back home. She walked in the back door and grabbed her book bag. She planned to head up to her room to study for her history test in the morning when her father caught her at the base of the stairs.

George Barton was a balding man who was a few inches shorter than his wife. His eyes had dark circles under them from many long days and nights at his office. He was starting to develop a large stomach even with the constant reminding from Lily’s mother to stay in shape. Every other part of his body was still very thin. Lily thought his body was shaped like an olive with a toothpick stuck through the middle. He had a kind smile and always tried to keep up with Lily and her life even though his work took up most of his time.

“Did you have a good birthday, sweetheart?” Lily’s dad had the daily paper in his hand and was heading toward the living room. For a moment Lily wondered if she should tell her dad about the weird events of the day or just give a vague answer.

“Yeah, it’s been okay,” she lied and quickly gave her dad a hug and thanked him for the gift certificate before bounding up the stairs. Her dad had said nothing about the necklace so Lily figured her mother had been too busy admiring it to read Michael’s letter. Surely they would not let her keep it if they knew how Michael had gotten it. Even her mother would have too much common sense to let her keep a present of such strange origin. Lily flung her book bag on her bed and shut her door behind her. She noticed her mother had leaned her cards against her jewelry box on her dresser. The teddy bear was sitting next to the jewelry box and still holding the gift certificate. The necklace was draped around the bear’s neck. Lily walked over to her dresser and snatched the necklace off of the bear. As she went to open her jewelry box, she thought the necklace felt warm in her hand. She opened her fist and looked at the necklace. She still could not shake the feeling that it was looking, no, staring at her. She shook her head and threw the necklace in the jewelry box and slammed the lid. As she did this her birthday cards went sailing to the floor. She picked them up and returned them to their places in front of the jewelry box. Lily then reached into her back pocket and grabbed Rory’s “burthday” card. She smoothed it with her other hand and placed it next to the cards from her brother and grandmother. She then turned back to her book bag.

Two hours of studying and then she would go to bed. Two more hours and this day would be over, and tomorrow she would be a plain, ordinary, average girl again as she had been all her life. Surely plain, ordinary, average people have extraordinary days every once in a while. But Lily did not think she had ever had a day as extraordinary as this.

After a half hour, Lily slammed her history book closed. She had tried to study, but the only things she could think about were Daniel and her strange psychology class and Michael and his stupid necklace. She glanced at the clock. It was nine forty five. Lily decided to get ready for bed. She knew enough history to get a decent grade tomorrow. Usually, she would stay up until two or three in the morning studying, but her brain had been overloaded by the day’s events. She crawled under her purple comforter at exactly ten o’clock. Lily quickly sank into a dreamless sleep, because no dream could be stranger than the day she had just lived through.


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402 Reviews


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Mon Jul 14, 2008 7:06 am
Clo wrote a review...



This is loooong. For those less adventurous, post smaller pieces. Dissect this puppy up! But I am going to tackle it, just watch me! :D

Intro: It's very common for storytellers to use the "she's so plain, just look" approach to intros. I love the writing here, but I think you need to spruce it up a bit somehow to avoid cliche style.

Also, I notice you say "Lily" quite a lot. You can substitute her name for "she"s in many spots and it will not be confusing at all.

“You are very pretty, you know it?” the boy said slowly

I feel like he already said this. He did already say it, didn't he? Ditch this sentence.

I love your description, but holy gadzooks, your paragraphs are much too long! It reads like a novel, and I can just imagine everything with the way you describe things, but the paragraphs have so many points where they could be split into two paragraphs. This is something you most definitely need to do, because beside that, I really do adore this.

You write wonderfully, and I like your character Lily - you gave such a wonderful impression of who she is as a person, and I really feel her presence as a character. And the whole Daniel bit is just exciting!

You must post more of this! Of course, I hope you post it in shorter sections and split up the paragraphs - but this really, truly is fabulous.

PM me if you have any questions, AND if you post more! Thanks!

~ Clo




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Mon Jul 14, 2008 6:47 am
BigBadBear wrote a review...



Seaweed,

Holy freak, that was long! That took forever to read! Next time, post a little bit shorter. If you have to, you can make a couple threads for the same chapter, or something. But that was 12 pages, and I was reading it for over an hour. O.o

Amazingly, I was very pleased with how it went. It was very interesting from the beginning, and only got better. I was mystified at the appearance of Daniel. I need to know more about him! I’m your newest fan! This story rocks all of the other stories on YWS’s butt! Yeah, you heard me.

I think your biggest problem with this is your paragraphs. They are huuuuge! Some of them, I thought, would never end. It really isn’t that hard to go back and make a couple new paragraphs. Some of them really wear you out by the end of them, and no one likes a drowsy reader. And it’s just past midnight right now, so if I’m not making very much sense, it’s not my fault.

I love this story to death. Will you tell me when chapter two is posted? I really liked it. I can’t find anything to critique, either, which makes me feel lame. Oh, before I leave, you had some problems with commas. I mentioned some places in the line-by-line critique that is attached to this, if you wouldn’t mind looking. It will make your story run smoother.

Best of luck!

-Jared





The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity.
— Amelia Earhart