Hey guys, I was bored and just thought ok this quickly....
So its not very thorough. Can you guys maybe just see if it captures your attention- do you think i should keep going?
CHAPTER ONE:
They often say, never bring a peacock feather inside. But I saw that as a superstitious lie.
Awakening to the same dust streaked sky was a tedious normality. The sun’s rays always marbled the air in an identical way. On this side of the island the milk man delivered the milk contrary to the man on the west side. Our milk man left the two glass bottles in the shade of a tree to escape the tropical heat. He by the name of Kai would not only bring the daily dose of calcium but would also bring superstitious reasons why. Old wise tales pinned to the overhanging palm leaf and scrawled on scrunch of paper. He had a story for everything and everyone and each day if you pedalled down the streets you’d see Kai’s tiny little tales hanging from each tree.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm, well this is interesting here, but before I get into what makes this interesting, I have to start by saying that we've got a little bit of a formatting issue, or rather its not necessarily an issue for what we have here now, but rather sort of an improvement that could make this opening work a little better and that is splitting that last bit up into a couple of paragraphs. As it is now, it doesn't really need a new paragraph, but I think you could make things much better if you do split it up and then elaborate a bit on the two parts, especially the bit about this milkman and how all of that ends up factoring into this story. At the moment its intriguing yes, but its a little bit too vague to really work in terms of pulling us readers in and it just feels ever so slightly all over the place and that isn't something you want to see in a prologue here.
Sooo...as it stands, this is a decent start, its a good premise that could make for something very interesting, it just needs a significant bit of work before this premise can really get to its full potential and this prologue can work properly.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Good beginning, I'd keep it up and build from it. You've already grabbed my attention.
I really like this - it's very original and you have a really unique writing style. Kai is already an intriguing character. However, some parts confused me or jarred a little:
Why what? Why he brings the milk? (I loved the calcium bit, by the way)
And I didn't think it really mattered about the milk man on the other side of the island being contrary - unless it's important later?
I loved the ending and will definitely be looking out for the rest!
Hope this helps,
Sophie
Hi Kaewrite
I really like it. It captures my attention and I think you should carry on writing it.
I think that you missed out commas in some places but I'm not completely sure so re-read it and see if you think you should add some.
midnightread