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Tomorrow

by Kazeybear


You spread your love as if on wings,

You spread joy to peasants and kings,

Not partial, not biased, not you,

You're calm and peaceful, as the early dew.

*

But soon, that love runs out, my dear,

Soon you'll no longer spread your cheer,

For there's so much that love can take,

And soon, I confess, it's bound to break.

*

So never fear that sorrow draws near,

Into these things no one can peer,

You'll not know what tomorrow brings,

No one can know, uncertainty stings.

*

Please don't be anxious, don't fret,

Yes, do not worry, do not sweat,

Tomorrow's a new day, for sure,

Tomorrow can bring that wonderful cure.


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305 Reviews


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Wed May 20, 2015 3:30 pm
speakerskat wrote a review...



Hey there Kat here to write a review for you :)

Aw you remind me of myself when I was 12. Such a nice piece for someone so young . What is a spiffing cure...? Also, in one line you wrote noone and on the other line you wrote no-one . I may be wrong but I thought it was fine just writing no one . No matter what you do though, keep it consistient . Other than that I thought this was cute and I liked the rhyme . Sometimes the flow faltered a little bit but nothing major.

Welcome to YWS :)




Kazeybear says...


Aww, thanks!



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Tue May 19, 2015 12:28 pm
fortis wrote a review...



Hello!

This was a pleasant poem, but in my opinion, it was lacking a lot.
First of all, the forced rhyme made this bothersome to read. Not every poem needs rhyme, and it takes a lot to make any rhyme actually work. Your rhyming made the poem sound extremely forced and awkward, and I think it would be best if you didn't use rhyme in this particular poem at all. Focus on the message you're trying to send rather than the poetic elements you're trying to use.

Next, there's some grammar nitpicks.
First of all, spiffing is a cool word, but it's rather obscure and out-dated. As long as you know that it's so obscure, and not something that your reader would know what it is, that's okay, but your reader probably won't. Also, it seems like a very vague term to name your whole poem after and have in your final line. An excellent cure? What does that mean? I think you should elaborate on it a bit.
"noone" "no-one"... I think the best way to spell those think is just plain No one.
The rest of your lines read really awkward too, even without worrying about the rhymes. "Yes, do not worry, do not sweat" That doesn't sound natural to say, does it? It breaks the flow, and most of your other lines are awkward and forced sounding like that.
Furthermore, I'd like to inform you that you don't HAVE to start every line off with a capital. That's just something that old poets did. I personally like to capitalize like I'm writing prose, with a capital only after a full stop.

Finally, I want you to think about what your purpose is with writing this. When I read it, I didn't feel any emotion (except for maybe boredom, if that's an emotion), I didn't learn anything new... It seems as if you're trying to comfort someone, but I personally would never feel comforted with something as stiff and awkward as this.
I think you need more imagery and direct action and less... "don't worry, it'll be okay."
I mean, compare the difference of "please don't be anxious, don't fret" with something along the lines of, "I stroke your cheekbone, little circles, and murmur against your temple a song of comfort" or something. You can directly see what is happening in the second, but the same comforting feeling comes across.

Let me know if you need any help! Keep writing!




Kazeybear says...


I can accept constructive critique. The website is young writers we all need to learn. Perhaps some of us need to learn how to critique with tact.



Widdershins says...


Ooh snap.
But yeah I agree. That probably could have been nicer. Don't take it personally. Late welcome to the site. :)



Kazeybear says...


Sorry, that was my father... *sighs*



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Mon May 18, 2015 5:05 pm
bloodybelle01 wrote a review...



I loved this! The opening stanza is especially lovely! I like the repetition of 'you spread' in the first two lines, it's very effective at sets a nice atmosphere. I also like how you include everyone in this love that your character supposedly posses! A very nice touch!

Criticisms:

1) 'Your neutral, even in milit'ry coup.'
This sounds out of place with the rest of the stanza when I read it. You could, perhaps, try rephrasing it?

2) 'But soon, that love runs out, my dear,'
It is not common practice to start a stanza with but or and but it is a matter of stylistic preference (just something to bear in mind)
*you start the next stanza with a but as well…

3) You start the second and third stanzas with the same word... my stylistic preference is that two stanzas next to each other do not start with the same word but it is entirely your choice.

4) 'No-one'
You do not need a hyphen between no and one.

5) 'So never be anxious, don't fret,
Yes, do not worry, do not sweat,'
Something about these lines seems to interrupt the piece, for some reason… you may want to take a look at that.




zep909 says...


Thanks for your review Belle! I hope you like the changes I've made based on your suggestions.
~Kazey





Yes I do... very much!




I don't think so alliyah, but don't quote me on that.
— TheBlueCat