Do you remember being three years old,
folding up paper and cutting out
people, each one being connected
to the next, a never-ending circle?
~
We are not paper people.
We are made of rock and stone,
crudely hewn as if by an infant,
a circle of unforgiveness.
~
We live our lives of rock
and stone, a facade
of strength and grit,
yet perhaps we are delicate.
~
Perhaps we can be cracked
by the sharp edge of a chisel,
and reveal, deep inside
of us, a heart made of flesh.
~
We are not paper people.
We are not of rock and stone.
We are humans, of flesh and blood
and should be connected
in a never-ending circle
of forgiveness.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
This is Kaos here for a review!
I like the starting imagery of this poem and it works well to set up the rest of it. My main problem with this first stanza is the execution rather than anything else. The wording of the stanza feels awkward and I feel it would benefit if you didn't address the reader, and rather went on with the imagery. It makes the whole first stanza feel like a huge question with the question mark at the absolute end, and I'd suggest chopping the lines up and using commas as well.
The first two lines feel weird starting with "We", and this follows up to me addressing the rest of the stanza. The third line really works well with me, but it falls apart in the fourth line because you choose to do the imagery with the circle of unforgiveness instead of pursuing more description with the infant metaphor.
This stanza felt weaker than the last two with the imagery, and just felt more lacking of purpose. It just restates what's already been said in a weaker manner. The meaning that you're forcing down the reader's throat has already been stated, or the theme that you're trying to get across has already been established. People can be fragile, and also can be made of stone. Add onto that, find more imagery to display this, or cut out the parts that just repeat what's already been said. You could also choose to start writing something that is like a chain link to the theme, where it's somewhat related to what you're writing about.
I liked this better than the third stanza, but I have some input to give. The way you use commas in this poem is odd, using them in the middle of lines feels awkward, but it seems to be one of your stylistic choices of this poem. I'm not saying it hasn't been done, but it seems pretty frequent in this poem and interrupts the flow a bit. I'd say to just read it aloud a few times to fix this part for the flow.
This last stanza felt cliche and sort of overused, I was fine with the last line in the last stanza, but this really just ended the poem weakly. It just felt kind of like it was used before and rather just felt like wasted potential, of the start of the poem starting well but it going downhill more as it went on.
That's all I had to say about this poem, hope this helped.
Thanks!
Yo, kazeybear! I love the poem that you've presented here! The meaning is profound and deep, and the way that you convey it and the narrator's changing thoughts on the nature of humanity throughout the piece is impressive. From that narrator's initial thoughts on the human-like paper cutouts that children create, to comparing humanity to poorly-crafted rock with an imitation of greatness and strength, to the view of humanity and who it really is, it managed to be a sophisticated message. Especially the call to a common humanity, rather than being cruel rocks, and how it evokes that childhood innocence and friendliness. Too, the development of your imagery and themes is impressive. Your usage of metaphors, like the chisel, which can be compared to those emotionally shattering moments that reveal our innermost emotions, and the narrator's cynicism in the form of their thoughts on a crudely constructed humanity, are unique and fascinating. They don't feel particularly experimental, but are creative enough to stand out in the midst of a crowd when it comes to the idea of human brotherhood and peace, and enough to capture my attention and make the image stick within my mind.
Beyond that, I admire you skill when it comes to poeting conventions and devices. Your usage of spaces helps me emphasize specific words, which further expresses your theme (for instance, "folding up paper and cutting out/people..."). Your sense of repetition, especially as it implies towards the end of the poem, during which you provide a direct example through the usage of "We are," as well as an indirect instance when you evoke the first stanza, suggests great skill and craftsmanship on your part, and it was enjoyable to read through. Personally, I felt that you sometimes struggled with the arrangement of your poem, and that the separation of your lines caused me to trip and interrupt my train of thought at a couple of points. This is especially the cause in "We live our lives of rock/ and stone..." which I thought a little odd, as you did not break up these words at any other point in the poem. I'd suggest, in that regard, separating those lines by finishing the first with "and stone." My other major complaint is towards "and reveal, deep inside/of us..." which I also felt was awkward, and I honestly prefer "and reveal, deep inside of us/a heart made of flesh." But, feel free to listen to me or ignore me as you please; since you're the author, I don't mind. Besides, these are fairly minor concerns, and perhaps heavily subjective (although it never hurts to read your poem aloud and consider where you are inserting pauses).
Lastly, regardless, I loved this poem! It was powerful, fun to read, and solid. Nice job crafting your beautiful imagery, emotions, and major themes, and thanks for creating and displaying this fantastic poem!
Thank you!