Published January 19, 2010
In the summer skies
A glow begins to appear
The sun is setting, setting
The summer sun is setting
Creating a orange blaze
The mother said to her son,
“God is painting a picture.”
The father said to his daughter,
“Just wait, soon there’ll be starlight.”
The farmer went out to his fields,
And in the sky he saw,
A harvest moon,
He saw a harvest moon,
Basking in the bright starlight
In the summer skies
A glow begins to appear
The sun is rising, rising
The summer sun is rising
Creating a glorious pink blaze
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Kaywiia,
This poem makes me miss summer. I love the repetition though I think it needs more similes.
Peace!
Hello! I really enjoyed reading this poem. However, there are a couple of things I think you can do to make it even better:
You start off in the first stanza in the present tense, which is good because it makes the reader feel more like they're actually there, witnessing what you can see. However, in the second and third stanza, you change to past tense, and then in the fourth you flip back to present tense. If you change it so that it is all in present tense, I think it would make it seem more like all these people in different places were looking and talking at the same time, which is nice - different people with different lives all stopping to look at the sunset.
Also, and opinions seem to be divided on this, but I really don't like the repetition. Is it really necessary to say the same word three times in two lines? I just think you could use that space to say something different. Apart from that, good work, it's a lovely poem.
Hi, Kaywiia!
This poem's got potential (lots of it), and I think you need to make it shine.
I like your repetition! The Highwayman-ish a little in those two sunny lines.
However, the second like here, a glow "begins" to appear -- begins sounds really chewy there, dear, and I'd probably eliminate it.
Cute!
I think you should work on the harvest moon repetition just a little -- and why are you repeating the noun instead of using a verb like you did for setting? Maybe if you say, saw a harvest moon rising, or something liike that?
Love this closing. Wonderful.
However, again, same note on begins -- it kind of drags your poem back.
I really enjoyed it. It was pretty cute, simplistic, and fairly done.
June
This is wonderful. Great wording, the last stanza is my favorite :] If you have the time, I'd really appreciate if you reviewed the first chapter in my new story. I just posted it, and I would like an honest opinion what you think of it. It's called "Determined: The Story of A Beautiful Jew. Chapter One." Thank you, and excellent poem!
Okay, the repetition is just my style but thank you for the advice. Yeah, I miss summer too. I wish I could speed up time just a little, or a lot.
Ciao,
Kally
and
So I don't like how you repeated these things here. It might be your style, but I just wanted to let you know that I find repetition boring! Hehe, and I bet I'm not the only one.
I really liked this. Without looking at the picture, you really painted a picture for me.
I Just found it a bit confusing that you changed from the picture to the farmer part towards the half-way mark. I think you should stick to one concept.
Really nice!
Classy
Man, this makes me miss summer so much. It's very sweet and I needed it! Where I'm at theres either snow or gray clouds or both. We got a blue sky fo rht efirst time in a long time. I can't wait for those soft summer sunset and the smell of smoke from fourth of july fire works or running across long green grass at night with my friends. I can't wait to see the fields ablaze with color again.
Thanks for the poem. It gave me a taste of summer!
peace
~*~fairygirl~*~