Death by Chess June 23, 2091

This introduction simply tells "I hated, I hated" but doesn't show exactly why she hates the farm. I can't understand why the character feels the way she does and so this character becomes repulsive to me. She simply sounds like a brat who wants to insult everybody before she leaves. The emotions are there but the lack of reasons for them can't make the reader sympathize with her (unless they hate farm too).

LOL! I love how she grabs her dad's pistol... that's just awesome!

Anyway, the main thing is I would really like a more exciting introduction, if that makes sense. We don't really get a good sense of character for her sister or anything, which is a bit of a problem! Also, I want more her and less of her angst. She picked up her father's pistol... that's awesome! What does she intend to do with it?

About the name, if you keep reading, you will see why...

Hiya dogs here.

First of all I like it so far. Its a good starter but I think that maybe you should "beef" this chapter up. Personally what I enjoy in reading a book is the details. Use as much details as you can so you can paint a picture in the readers mind. obviously dont make it dripping with detail cause then it drags on but try to tell us what this looks like and how she feels.

Also one more thing like the post above the section where Max says "Are you cheating on me" there needs to be much much more info there cause i feel like it would be a bigger part in the chapter.

Apart from my annoying nit picks THIS SOUNDS GREAT KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!!!

P.S: why did you name it death by chess?

~Dogs

Kaywiia!

Whee, another RHG story! I love seeing those characters' back stories. They're all so awesomely awesome.

It seemed just a tad rushed, and pretty short. Of course, short's not always bad, but this could do well with a little more to it.

Oh, very nice picture, too.

Actually I'm thinking line-by-line here... *whips out her quote button.*

I pace my room slowly, double checking that my decision wouldn't>>I'd say "won't" instead of "wouldn't" because you're using a present tense. backfire. Knowing me, it would anyway, I just didn't>>Same thing here; "don't." Check through and make sure the tenses all agree throughout. If I find any from here on, I'm going to just write "tense" by it. know how. I shove my last year's allowance, two hundred dollars, in my suitcase then run downstairs. I had[tense] to leave, now. It's a pretty good opener. It could be a little bit more powerful. For instance, if she really wants to up and leave, make it more urgent; instead of "I have to leave, now," it can be, "I have to leave. Now." Little things like that can add a lot of spice.

My sister, Bree, walks in just as I am about to walk out. One of her boyfriends, Max, is holding her hand. I thought he was Charles, but how was I supposed to keep them straight? *snerk* That actually surprises me, about Bree. It was like, "I can't see her doing that!" But then I re-read it, and thought about it, and yeah, I kinda can. But that last sentence is great--Riley to a T.

"Is this Charles?" I ask.

"Who's Charles?" Max asks. Okay. Max doesn't know who Charles is, and he'd obviously want to know, right? He might be confused, so you could take out "Max asks" maybe and say something like, "Max's eyebrow raises."

"Her other boyfriend. So you're Max, then?"

"You're cheating?" He yells at Bree. She begins to cry, and nods. He walks out the door. Woah, it seems like there would be a LOT more happening right there. And would she really just nod, or would she try to deny it at first? And I don't think he'd walk out the door. He'd probably storm out the door or something with a lot more feeling.

"Congrats, Riley. I really liked him. You're the worst sister anyone could ever have! You're just jealous that I can get guys!" Something's weird about how this goes down. I added !s instead of periods, but try to get it more natural, if you can. It's almost there.

She thought she was so much better than me. Newsflash for her, she wasn't.[tense, this whole sentence.] Not saying I was better, and not like we're equal, but in no way is that slut of a sister better than me. Them's fightin' words. Also. Not saying I was better (and was should also be "am"), and not like we're equal... Doesn't that make Riley sort of think she is better than Bree? I guess it's not too important.

"I told you, I don't want a boyfriend."

"What about Derron?"

"Not a boyfriend."

"You kissed him."

"Mot Mot? Moot, maybe? If you're sure, don't worry about it. point, he's not my boyfriend." So this whole exchange is rather...it's odd that they'd have a fight because Riley basically reveals what Bree's been doing, and then all Bree is worried about is the fact that Riley kissed a guy.I yell. "Well, I'm leaving. Tell mom I said bye. Tell dad I took his pistol." This is kinda funny. I think you should write Bree's reaction to that. I'm sure it would be amusing.

I grab the handle to the door, and open it, cussing when the handle breaks. I had forgotten how fragile it was.

"Where are you going?" Bree asks.

"Away from you, this stupid farm, and all these damned chickens!" I yell back. I give a nearby chicken a good nudge with my foot, and cuss at it. I love this part! Maybe the chicken-violence, maybe the cussing at everything that goes wront (because I know I do that a lot, too) but...yeah, this is great.

I turn back to look at my farm. Cows, Horses>>why is "horses" capitalized? yay typos!, and chickens, (curse those clucking things)Is that supposed to be a pun? I hope so. It's amusing., wander around in pastures. I always hated the farm. I hated being home schooled. I hated my selfish mother who was always away at college trying to make something of herself.>>But wouldn't that make Riley sort of selfish herself, not wanting that for her mother? That could be a good point to expand on to add a bit of depth. And I hated my passive father who never did anything but sit around all day, or tend to the animals. I hated my sister, and how she thought she was better than me. She might have been prettier, but I was a thousand times smarter. I hated everything about this place, and I needed to get away. The tense didn't agree in this entire paragraph. Should be "I hate... She might BE prettier... I AM a thousand times smarter...etc. Check this paragraph carefully.


I don't listen to her response, and run out the door. I walk down the dirt road to the nearest gas station. I curse the fact that at age 15, I still can not drive.Need spacing here.The summer air, even at night, was a bit too hot for my liking. I walked up to the run-down Hess station, and took[tense] a seat on the bench. The green Hess sign flickers, and gives the corn an eerie green tint.I like the image here. Almost like something's about to pop out of the cornfield. Does this cross her mind at all?

I sit, waiting, and look into the setting sun. Tomorrow, I would be somewhere. I had[tense] no idea where, but far away.

I would finally be free.

Hello there
Well, I like the picture. it's so bright and clear.

The summer air, even at night, was a bit to hot for my liking.