Published February 2, 2010
And Yet You Still Love Me.
My heart is a fire,
Burning my happiness.
Enflaming my joy,
Smoldering my bliss.
My head is a black hole,
Sucking at my hope.
Absorbing my trust,
Suffocating my wishes.
My lips are traitors,
Speaking harsh words.
Vocalizing my thoughts,
Talking to hurt.
And yet you still love me.
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141,250 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
Very good job! I know exactly what this is like, and i see where you're coming from! Bravo! Encore! ~*Cheez_Burger*~
Really well set of your feelings!!
Okay, I fixed the last part. Is it better now?
OK so i really liked this, it had a really good rhythm when u read it. i also really liked they way its kinda of listing yet you have to read it slower to get the entire meaning, but all in all good job i loved it (:
Okay, hey there, Kay.
So, I liked this/most of it. I think you should listen to Classy when she says that the last part feels like something you would rant to a friend. Honestly, it does D:
We want to see, hear, etc...it makes us feel more for this person.
Well, nice job. I don't have much time, I apologize. Tata.
-Mizz
Hiya! Classy here.
This was quite enjoyable, though a bit on the cliche side.
And Yet You Still Love Me.My heart is a fire,Burning my happiness.Enflaming my joy,Smoldering my bliss.My head is a black hole,Sucking at my hope.Absorbing my trust,Suffocating my wishes.My lips are traitors,Speaking harsh words.Vocalizing my thoughts,Talking to hurt. My life is a wreck,My joy is gone.My hope is departed.My lips talk to hurt.And yet you still love me.
So, this is very commonly used. I would try finding something else to compare your heart to, like the spiciness of a pepper or something. (not that it is stupid)
Pretty sure it is 'inflaming.'
I'm sorry to say that I hate this part entirely. You are ranting in your poem like you would rant to a friend. I'm sorry, but I don't really want to hear these words. I want you to show me how your life is a wreck, you hope is departed. And you also already talk about lips in its own stanza, so I wouldn't talk about it again.
Nice poem! It was a pleasure to review.
Classy
Valentine
The thing I like most about this poem is that it doesn't take the view of most romantic writing, and talk about bliss and perfect love. This is accurate and beautifully written. Some things that would make it better, maybe change some words. "Sucking" maybe change "is departed" to "has departed" Other than that, it seemed to do just what is should as a poem. Solid job.
Valentine
Hi there, Kaywiia. I'm Conrad Rice, and I'll be your reviewer for today.
So, this is an interesting poem. It's a different take on the traditional love poem. Instead of extolling the virtues of the other person in the relationship, it is examining the flaws of the speaker, and saying that in spite of them, the other person is still there, still loving them. It is a wonderful message, a very romantic one.
Which is why it is so sad that the wonderful power that could be shown in this poem is kept held up. The emotion that could be there is absent. You need to let this poem loose. Let it flow out and have us experience it. Because it would be so much better if you could do that.
So, you've got a nice start here. But you need to expand on it. PM me if you have any questions or comments.
Good job, and good luck.
-Conrad Rice