Do I have no one?
Am I really... just a loner?
Just one person I always asked.
Just one, only one.
I always said I'd wait. And wait for the one.
One that'd never judge, never leave, and never ask "why?" because he would already know.
I begged god to let it be him.
And to let him be my friend, my comfort, my soulmate, my everything.
But I can't wait anymore. I need someone.
A second soulmate? A friend? A guardian? A well wisher?
...
It could be anyone around me. One that I would least expect, one that I hate, and one that doesn't love me back. But why do I feel like it's none?
That would be fun. I envied them, they were in groups of ten, and I was one. But I told myself that even one more would be enough. They never came. If I wanted to, I could go to just anyone so I'm not alone, but none felt right.
I have them, and I know they love me, I know they care, but they don't understand, they could never understand.
You wish a future for me, but what about the present? You care about this vessel, but what about its inner soul?
...
"Can it only be one? But why?" I asked.
"How will you know the value he holds if you don't wait?" He grinned.
Oh how can I not believe him. He was always right.
How will you know the value of good if you don't see the worst?
I was naive, I used to question him. But his purpose was way beyond my understanding. Just like the world, people, and my life.
Yikes
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey there Kaymal! Welcome to YWS, hope you're enjoying the site so far!
I'm here to review your poem!
So, I did see your note about feeling a little rushed on the writing process for this one. I totally get that and have been there. A few quick tips to maximize your poetry editing and really make a poem seem polished and professional, without changing things around / spending toooo much extra time...
1) Try to keep your lines / stanzas somewhat even (unless there's a specific purpose for having them un-even). You will be shocked by how much more polished this makes a poem read, and helps the sound-devices and parallels really pop out throughout the piece. In your poem right now, the first stanza is pretty standardized, the second starts having some really long lines, and then the third stanza feels like a paragraph of dialogue. Would try to even these out!
2) Decide on a central narrative or point for your poem, and then remove everything that doesn't support that central narrative or point! Just like a flower garden best show-cases it's flowers when the weeds have been removed, sometimes our poetry needs a bit of weeding and pruning to let the best lines and main points shine! In your poem right now I'm a little lost on the main point - > I think it's that the speaker feels like a loner and is brooding on how that impacts them and the possibilities of it being resolved, but there are also a lot of lines kind of waundering away from that central narrative / question / story - > I would suggest deciphering what your main point is and then go through and remove any other lines that distract.
~~~
As is, I think you did a terrific job communicating the sensation of really brooding, almost obsessing over something - I could feel in the back and forth thoughts how much this mattered to the speaker. And I hope if you've ever felt like a loner, that writing has given you some solace in that in writing our thoughts are shared and become part of community!
One aspect a bit of confusion came from is ... is the speaker talking to themselves the whole time, or God, or someone else? Who is the "You" that is referred to? There were some aspects of this poem that made me think maybe the "you" was some sort of diety, but I really wasn't sure on that at all!
I'd like to know a bit more why the masculine pronouns were italicized in the final stanza and bolded in the first? I think that it'd make them stand out a bit more if you did one or the other (ie. maybe keeping them italicized or bolded, but maybe not switching between stanzas).
Overall, this was a thoughtful poem, that communicated a lot of emotion across! I look forward to reading more of your writing in the future~
alliyah
Hello and thank you for your review. Sorry for the late response, it was a rough week.
I know it looks like it doesn%u2019t have a main narrative, but all the stanzas connect to the center narrative in some form.
The him in bold refers to a soulmate while the one in italics refers to God.
Each line in the second stanza is explaining each word of the last line in the first stanza. For example, for a well wisher I wrote %u201C You wish a future for me, but what about the present? You care about this vessel, but what about its inner soul?%u201D
That is a great blog
Hey peeps. This is my new poem(?). I wrote this in a hurry and couldn't review it much. I will try to improve more in the future and I'll also try to write more on the weekends.
Enjoy reading!
Hello! Ley here to review this delightful work for you. Today, I’ll be using my 'Autumn-Themed Review Template'! We’ll begin with my initial impressions, then delve into the aspects that stood out like the vibrant hues of fall, and then get into the critiques. I hope you find this review insightful, and that you're enjoying the cozy charm of autumn, wherever you are in the world! Let’s dive in!
The First Signs of Autumn
This poem hit me deep, because I can relate and I'm sure others can too! I just wanted to start off by saying that if you ever need someone to talk to, my PMs are always open! Sometimes we just need to rant to somebody, and I'm sorry that you feel like you're a 'loner'. I promise that here on YWS we have such a loving community and I hope that being on YWS changes your perspective a bit. <3 other than that, let's get straight into the good stuff!
A Golden Harvest
I actually loved how you bolded the words 'him' and 'soulmate' here, I'm guessing for emphasis. I read it differently than I normally would, with more emotion, and I'm guessing that's what you intended when you wrote these lines. Amazing job!
This line made me sad, but I also think it adds a bit more depth to this narrative. I also absolutely love when writers add thought provoking questions into a piece, so I may be a bit biased
Wilted Leaves and Crisp Critiques
Since this is a narrative, I really don't have any suggestions! You spoke from your heart, and that's all that I look for in personalized narratives. <3
Cozy Conclusion
Overall, this was a relatable read! I feel like sometimes we let love get the best of us, and sometimes its hard to find someone that understands. Once again, if you need to talk, I'm here! Have a lovely day, and happy RevMo!
Thanks Ley. <3