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139,487 Literary Works • 672,577 Reviews
I liked the way you incorporated elements of romanticism for this poem.
Especially when you mentioned "Heart is like the Land". I enjoyed this imagery the most!
Keep up the goodwork!
This is a pretty good poem, I like the reflecting verses =]. If you put some punctuation in, you have to do it for every line. I've bolded where you should add them. And if you divide the verses into stanzas, it will flow better. Good work, keep it up =].
It's good in a imaginative way, but I can't help but feel there's no poetry in this poem... if you can understand what I mean...
What I mean by that is, a poem tends to have some sort of rhythum to it, E.G;
Mar~RY had a LIT~tle Lamb
it's FLEECE was WHITE as SNOW
and EVery~where that MARy went
the LAMB was SURE to go..
(Capital letters showing the expression of the word)
With a pattern of rhyming words within the ends of line 2, 4 and 6. Alas, this is where it breaks off from it's rhythum.
The last word of the First Line and the Last word of the Forth and sixth line rhyme, which is completely different to the structure of the previous verse. If the impression of words were changed to keep the Rhythum you can improve the overall feel of the poem.
So instead of the second verse, which was "prettied up" by metaphorical words, you can create a simular impact with smaller words. So I would write the following;
The heart like unmapped roads
A Nieve and Scary route.
The Pieces are put together,
but some slowly decay.
Sometimes land in drought,
become washed by water's wave.
Directions within life illume,
Under the Sun's Gentle Ray.
Other then that, keep up the good work =P
Hello, Roon here! Your poem really caught my eye, so well done on hooking the reader from the off. I admit, I was expecting to find something I would hate when I saw the title, but I never judge a book by it’s cover, or a poem by it’s title. This is not to say that you should change it, it’s perfect for the poem, I’m just weird. Not really sure why I’m mentioning this! Lol. Anyway, nitpicky!
I. NITPICKS:
II. RHYME & FLOW
The rhyme in this poem was fluid and effortless, so well done. As I said, I usually hate rhyme in poetry, it nearly always is really forced, but you have a rhyming talent it seems! The flow was good, I just feel that it may have been broken up somewhat by the repetition of ‘the heart’, which may be what you wanted, to show the disjointed love the speaker feels.
III. IMAGERY
Okay, so there wasn’t much imagery used in this poem, I think it would have benefited from it. I also think you need to explain your comparisons properly. You just tell us, rather than show us. Make us feel something for the voice. At the moment, it feels like there is little personal touch, and this can be put across in the imagery and metaphors/similes that you use, and also, the way you present them, so think about this when you read through your poem again.
IV LANGUAGE
At the moment, there is no language that really ‘speaks’ to me as a reader. There was no amazing sentence that blew me away, there wasn’t a word that meant so much that I really got Goosebumps. I know it’s sad, but I really feel that poetry should be something that really tells a story to the reader, and should have a personal impact on each reader. Poetry is all about interpretation, but there is nothing here to interpret.
V OVERALL
Overall, I thought this was a really good poem, you have some nice ideas. Maybe if you gave each one its own paragraph, and really explored each of the ideas you present. I think this could be truly amazing if you just revise your imagery and a little bit of your choice of language.
So, I hope this helped, that’s what I’m here for! If you have a problem with anything I’ve said, or just have a question about anything, please don’t hesitate to let me know. Hopefully, this was a constructive piece of advice, if you felt it was too harsh in places, or that I had gotten the wrong end of the stick, just let me know.
Thank you for your time!
~ Roon
Great poem.
The Line:
Its the perfect way to show the good and bad sides of love.
The way i interprit it is The heart can be dry, like lost love. Or it can be sprayed with water and be moist, like new love.
Really nice work.
I found your poem very neat. it was flawless!
The first paragraph is very well written.
your lines have got very deep meanings hidden in them...
The second paragraph shows a sudden optimism in the poem, as mentioned above. This half of the poem was my favorite!
I found your poem short, sweet, to the point and very interesting to read. it never lost its rhythm and went off the track,which is what i like about it.
You seem like an experienced writer. your work is really nice. do inform me if you write something else. I would love to read your poem/ story!!!
I think it's really touching.
I liked the flow. In more than one way it was relaxing.
It was also really inspirational. I loved the part about how the heart is like a puzzle and how some pieces are lost while others are being put together.
I liked it.
It was a little on the short side but it was still great. I think the shortness actually added more to the tone of the piece. After all, it's quality that matters not quantity.
The simplistic optimism in this poem is nice, I enjoyed that. Be careful of using contractions when writing formally though, it interrupts the flow of the poem.
Well. all I can say is that it was really well written. It has a really nice rhythm and I really enjoyed reading it!
Thanks for the reviews everyone!
Hey,
Very memorable poem nice rhythm and idea. Superb poem
Brown Eyed Girl xx
I don't know how, but you are doing even better than before. Where do you get all the inspiration.
Hey there!
You did a good job on this poem, no signs of rust that I could spot. There was a natural flow and meter when I read, which is always the goal. I like how you told a bit of a story with all the things that happen to a person's heart during their life.
"And sometimes a land in drought
Obtains the gentle water's spray"
I love those lines. They were my favorite in the whole poem. In the third to last line and last line, did you mean to say 'gentle' twice. If you did, then it works, but if not you might want to change it up. There's really nothing else I feel I should offer my opinions on. Nice job!
-Alyssa