I always hated that cold, dead doll,
The one with the straight-through stare,
The one who sat aloft and watched,
The one who couldn't care.
She knows every sharp-edged secret,
Locked inside her porcelain mind,
Are visions of a blood stained knife,
And a girl with tears that blind.
She's the only one who knows what happens,
Inside that dismal room,
Though light, the atmosphere is tainted,
It feels darker than a tomb.
The doll was the only one that witnessed,
All the flowing of the crimson pain,
She could not close her fixed eyes,
Could not block out the girl's disdain.
I always hated that cold, dead doll,
The one with the straight-through stare,
The one who sat and watched,
The one who couldn't care.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
wow, VERYdifferent look at a doll! thats good, lots of raw emotion and you pulled off the rhyming well.
Hmmmm, VERY interesting piece. I like it a lot. The first time I read it, I was like, "eh," but then I read it again and that time I really got what you were saying, and I was like, "wow." Anyway, really cool and idea and delivered well. One suggestion I would make (and this would just be a matter of preference on your part, it's not a necessary change at all) is that the last stanza, where you're just repeating the first one, change the words to more powerful ones, really showing how much you hate that doll. More violently angry words. By that point, the reader knows WHY you hate the doll, so don't hold anything back. I think it would definitely add to the emotion of the piece as a whole.
"She could not close her fixed eyes"
Marvellous. The rhyming wasn't forced, thre was no cliche, good use of repetition, imagery and mention of colours. Great ideas, and very well delivered.
"
The doll was the only one that witnessed,
All the flowing of the crimson pain,
She could not close her fixed eyes, "
omg i love this stanza. The rest of it is okay, but this part: amazing. Brilliant. Like, wow. Okay yeah now I sound like a preppy but these lines had me gushing. It's that good.
I always hated that cold, dead doll, Good details, there.
The one with the straight-through stare,
The one who sat aloft and watched,
The one who couldn't care. I like this stanza, good opening.
She knows every sharp-edged secret,
Locked inside her porcelain mind,
Are visions of a blood stained knife,
And a girl with tears that blind. [b]I think this is my favorite line, I don't know why...
She's the only one who knows what happens,
Inside that dismal room,
Though light, the atmosphere is tainted, Nice.
It feels darker than a tomb. My favorite stanza. Good one, great details.
The doll was the only one that witnessed,
All the flowing of the crimson pain, I like the metion of colors, good work.
She could not close her fixed eyes,
Could not block out the girl's disdain. I don't like the word disdain, maybe change?
I always hated that cold, dead doll,
The one with the straight-through stare,
The one who sat and watched,
The one who couldn't care. Aaah, the old take-the-first-stanza-and-make-it-the-last-line trick. Not too bad in this case, however.
I love this poem, I really like your details and the chosen words. Good work! Keep it up.