“Lainey, wake up. We are here,” Said Jared, shaking my shoulder. My eyes slowly shifted open as I yawned, I shifted up in my seat to see where we were but all I could see was trees, we were in a forest.
“Are we in a forest of some kind?” I asked curiously.
“Yeah we are, if they live in a forest they can hunt for their own food,” he said shrugging. Great I was going to be living in a forest for a month. Why exactly would they live in a forest? I mean it’s pretty cool and all but what’s wrong with a nice sunny neighborhood? I know why I was sent here and apparently I have been here before. Why can’t I remember all this? If I’m seventeen now and I was seven back then, it was only ten years ago.
“Are they relatives?” I asked.
“Not originally, but our uncle, mums Brother Bryan; married the oldest girl in the house so now your only related to two of the kids staying here. Oh and by the way, you not the only one with the supernatural power here,” Jared’s eyes were concentrated on the path that was probably the drive way of this place.
The path that was leading us to my new home had ended, there was only a small trail left and i didn’t think that the jeep would fit in there.
“Maybe we should walk from here,” I suggested
“Yeah, maybe we should,” his eyes narrowed.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Hi, PenNPaper here to review!
Small letter 's' in 'said' as there was a comma before it.
There should be pause after 'Great', or else it sounds really weird when you say it out loud.
Okay, I noticed that most of your story is dialogue, please do not overdo it, try to add in some descriptions, what they felt and all that. A dialogue based story is never that interesting.
Okay that's all I have to say, keep writing!
Finally, I've read all you chapters and am relieved I've found something actually worth reviewing. Right so I can't do grammar but I don't think its useful anyway. I for one like getting feedback about the story, if you don't sorry.
So I like the idea for the story it's solid and leaves you wanting more. While the first few lines don't hook you immediately the name hooks you enough to keep you reading until it gets clever. I'm gonna go ahead and guess that the basic idea for this story is:
*coming of age story
*Boy meets girl backdrop
*Discovering a forgotten and mysterious past
* I'm guessing later on their will be some enemy that she has to face, well duh other wise it wouldn't be in the action adventure forum
Great start to the story. Really. Its great. And the names you've chosen for the characters are original. The story itself was sort of original. But I wasn't hooked on it. The first lines of a story should be like a catcher for the readers mind. I think u need to make your story have more language features like onomatopoeia or alliteration.
Sonnyxxx1
Good luck
It's hard to review this since it's so short, but I'll do it anyway.
Overall, I wasn't really impressed by this part. I've skimmed through the other parts, and they're better, but nothing really happens in this part. You really shouldn't have made it its own part. Whatever. Moving on.
Like the other parts, this one has grammar problems, and while they aren't too bad on their own, they make it seem like the writer was lazy, since grammar checks are so easy to do.
Here's your piece, with my omissions in
strike, my additions in bold, and comments in #FF0000 ">red.I know that a thorough grammar nitpick can make it seem like the reviewer hates your work, but honestly, I like it. It's interesting.