Decided. part 1 of chapter 1

Hey there!

Nice job done here. You have a nice writing style.

I don't like the opening line, dear. I could just be being picky or whatever, but in writing, I generally don't like glamorous self-description, although it could work at times. At the beginning of the story, it wears on a little, because, haha, I always kind of get the impression that the narrator should be self centered.

At any rate, I'd develop a more "hooking" opening line. One that pulls us into the story -- not the girl, and leads us from there, because, even though the girl will be the leading point of the story, obviously, she's not what we need to direly concentrate on.

Aside from that, I don't see much that hasn't been pointed out. Onto part two!

June

Looks like most of the critiquing has been done here. They only left me one thing to say

That thing is that at the start I got the impression early on, based on the way her parents spoke to her, that she was quite young and innocent. Then when she talks to her brother in the car she seems a lot older, saying crap, and listening to an iPod.

If her parents are supposed to be patronising (which some people are. I've been told to be a good little boy when I was 15), make a point of it through internal monologue. Otherwise they seem to be talking to a young child.

Hey Kayla Sorry it took me so long to review lol. Anyway, I wont bother with spelling and stuff, so I'll just go ahead and say I liked this beginning. It was interesting, speshly when Lainey's 'gift' was mentioned. Can't wait to read what it is. You should probably make this chapter a little longer, too.

Hi, PenNPaper here to review!

"Lainey? We are ready to go." I heard

out of they're

made they're way

okay?," My

harness,” He smiled

father,” He

road.” Jared

“Everything does gonna be all goods okay

It seems you have mixed your There, their, and they're
My feet made the stones underneath them move out of they're place as I made my way to my dads jeep parked on the other side of the road waiting for me.
A quick way to remember is simply this
They're = they are
There = here
their = our
replace the word and see if it fits. which one would this be? Their.
My feet made the stones underneath them move out of their (our) place.
how would you use there?
There(here) you are!
how would you use they're?
"They're are so immature at times stacy!"
Where is their(our) barn"
you see how it fits
because if i were to use there it wouldnt fit
"Where is there(here) barn"

I crossed the road quickly(Comma) so I wouldn't get run over by the line of cars heading my way.

To Olli...

When you say-What do you mean by this? Unless you clarify later, no onewill get what you mean. or maybe i'm just to dumb to know.

It's meant to be a mysterious sentence.

Thanks for the advice though.

Kaylaxxx1 wrote:I took a deep breath in, feeling the ocean air blow through every strand of my long gold hair.
"Lainey? We are ready to go." I heard my brother, Jared, say behind me. i breathed out, looking towards the sea; i waved my hand briskly in front of me and turned around. My feet made the stones underneath them move out of they're place as i made my way to my dads jeep parked on the other side of the road waiting for me. i#FF0000 ">I crossed the road quickly so i#FF0000 ">I wouldn't get run over by the line of cars heading my way. my fingers curled around the car door handle and i pulled as hard as i#FF0000 ">I can, the door opened with ease as i#FF0000 ">I slid my foot in the little step of the jeep side bumper and hurled myself in. i rolled the window down when my mother and father made they're #FF0000 ">their way towards my door.
"Now, Promise#FF0000 ">promise me you will call every night, and if anything goes wrong give us a ring and Jared will come pick you up, okay?." My mum said tears starting to build up in her hazel eyes. She smiled her worried smile and smoothed down her blond hair that came up to her shoulders to keep calm#FF0000 ">.My dad took her hand in his, he smiled.
“Remember Lainey, these people are going to help you with your gift. They are going to make it easier for you to control the power you harness.” He smiled his crooked smile.
“Yeah dad, I know. They are just going to help. I’m going to be okay” #FF0000 ">I gave him one of my rare grins. He walked up to my window and kissed me on my forehead.
“I am so proud to be your father.” He whispered, he stood back with my mom and waved.
“Okay guys, time to get this show on the road.” Jared tried to lighten the mood, he didn't’t quite succeed. I waved my hand to my dad who was wearing his work suit and to my mom who was wearing a turquoise dress that sleeves reached to her index finger and barley up to her knees. The car rolled forward and s#FF0000 ">lided onto the road on our way to the highway. Beyond there, where I was going; I considered this as a new adventure. Whether I shall recover from it? Never. #FF0000 ">What do you mean by this? Unless you clarify later, no onewill get what you mean. or maybe i'm just todumbto know
The road swerved in different directions every five seconds on the mountain top, the railing on the edge was as thin and a metal ruler; I gulped and looked at Jared. His light brown eyes were focused straight ahead, his black hair pointed straight up in a Mohawk. He smiled.
“Everything does gonna be all good #FF0000 ">no need for an's' okay, #FF0000 ">I know for a fact that nothing will go wrong with them. Oh, and by the way. You have met them before.” I looked at him with surprise, #FF0000 ">no need for a 'he' his smile turned into a grin.
“I have... I don’t remember” I said confused.
“Yeah, but you were about seven though” he said.
“So, they will all be like… #FF0000 ">'You have grown so much Lainey! You are so gorgeous now!#FF0000 ">' and that sort of crap?” I asked, disappointed.
“Yeah, most likely.” He chuckled.
I put my iPod speakers in my ears and leaned back into my seat.
“Wake me up when we get there.” I said… and slowly drifted to sleep.

Hey, Kayla! Thanks for the link to this.

You need to capitalize all of the I's. Whenever you say "I did this" or "she and I did that" it needs to be upper case, never lower case. Also, the first letter in every sentence should be capitalized too.

Quick rule about punctuating sentences: if you're going to have a tag, you can't end it with a period.

This is correct:
"Yes," he said.
"Yes!" he said.
"Yes?" he said.

This is not correct:
"Yes." he said.
Yes." He said.
"Yes" he said.

You should go through your story and fix the dialogue tags.


Awesome beginning, Kayla. It really makes me want to read the rest. It was not too short but not too long either, and didn't have any boring parts. I'm curious about Lainey and her mysterious gift, and can't wait to know what it is and how the story plays out. I'll keep my eyes out for more of your writing.

Even though it's so short, there's a lot of detail in this little paragraph. Good job!
Here are some nitpicks:

i breathed out,