Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
The lion and the lamb.
"What's a soulmate? It's like a best friend, but more. It's the one person in the world that's knows you better than anyone else. That someone makes you a better person. No, actually they don't make you a better person. You do that by yourself because they inspire you. A soulmate is someone you can carry with you forever. It's one person who knew you, accepted you and believed in you before anyone else did or when no one else would. And no matter what happens, you'll always love them and nothing could ever change that." Falling in love with your best friend is never easy. In all honesty, it complicates things to hell and back. You have 2 options when you realize you have feelings for your best friend.. You either tell them and pray they feel the same way or keep it bottled up until they hopefully go away. Either way, it's not fun. This is the story of Quinn and Raylan, best friends since birth. Their friendship faces the ultimate challenge, and that's when the lion falls in love with the lamb.
"Ready or not, here I come." I screamed.
The sticky Texas heat almost made playing outside unbearable, and considering it was close to the 4th of July, it was humid on top of being hot.
Playing hide and seek had always been my favorite game to play. My best friend Raylan always hid where he knew I could find him. I hadn't ever him that I knew, but I did.
The last time Raylan and I played was my favorite so far, I was able to hide. Being the monkey I am, I ended up hiding in a tree and got stuck. Luckily Raylan was there to save me like the hero he is. He'll always be my hero, always.
"Raylan, where are you?" I say, holding back a giggle.
I step closer to one of his favorite spots and see his feet poking out from under the evergreen bushes my mom keeps in our front yard. I slow my pace and quietly make my way towards his shoes. His feet move as if he was trying to get himself deeper in the bushes and then his familiar high pitched scream was heard.
"Raylan!" I yell and take off towards him as fast as my little legs could take me. My brown hair whipped in my face but I kept running.
"Momma! Raylan's hurt!"
Raylan's brown hair appears out from the bush and he's holding his arm. I kneel beside him and move his hand to see two small puncture wounds positioned right where his thumb met his wrist.
"What happened?" I ask.
"It bit me."
I look up to see my mom running from the side of the house and soon after she stops in front of us.
"What's going on?" She asks, her dark brown eyes wide with fear.
"Mommy, something bit Raylan in the bushes." I whimper.
"Oh dear, you guys come inside, hurry." My mom says scooping us up.
My daddy left us when I was younger, so my mom always had to be the tough one. After that, I never watched her cry until that day.
"Mommy, is he gonna be okay?" I ask.
I knew what animal had bit him, our town was prone to those yucky creatures. I was just too scared to know if they would hurt someone or not. My hazel eyes burn with tears and I hope Raylan didn't see me crying.
"Raylan, are you okay?" She asks. "I need you to stay awake okay. Mommy is gonna meet us at the hospital."
Turns out, it was a rattlesnake that bit him. We ended up getting rid of those bushes a few days after he recovered. There was a whole nest of those yucky things. That day is probably in the top five of scariest moments of my life.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
138,001 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
This is a cute prologue to what could be a very intriguing and well written story. I think the ideas are very creative and well thought out, especially with it being at such a young age, I thought you wrote the characters to fit their ages nicely. You had a few sentences that were very difficult to understand because of the way they were worded or forgetting to place some words in certain places. A quick read through by someone else could help fix that. I enjoy Raylan. It's very unique and pretty, I am glad you chose a name that is original. There are places where you change the tense of your writing, so I would watch out for that and try to avoid that in the future.
I recommend that you write more for this story. It's intriguing and enjoyable. I am very curious to delve deeper in the lion falling in love with the lamb because it is definitely interesting. It reminds me slightly of A Court of Thorns and Roses by Sarah J Maas with the whole Beauty and the beast feel. But this is different and has a lot of potential.
I look forward to reading more from you!
Have a good day and happy writing!
Hello Kayla,
I like this prologue. It has an innocent feel to it which slowly changes to a more grim feel that will be the first chapter. I'm not super good with grammar but from what I saw it all looks good. There are two things, though, that I would change about this prologue.
First would be, give more information on the narrator. I assume it's a girl because of your description but I'm still kept in the dark about it. There are almost no visual descriptions of anything except for Raylan's brown hair. It is important to give the reader visual descriptions of everything in the story because unlike you, they don't know what you're thinking.
The second thing would be to make the whole thing longer. It's hard to catch a readers attention with such a short prologue. Again just adding some more visual descriptions would help with this, maybe explain another time they had played hide and seek to expand on how Raylan would let the narrator find them.
Overall this is a good start to a story and I'm interested to see where you will go with it. As always, keep writing.
-Incohesive Scribbles
Hello there, and welcome to YWS! cleverclogs here for a review!
First of all, I really like the name Raylan. I'm pretty much the queen of choosing unoriginal names for my characters, so it's nice to see such an awesome name.
Grammar-wise, your prologue was very well-edited. I only noticed a few mistakes, which were things like missing commas. An example of this would be this sentence:
In this example, there should be a comma after "Raylan". This happens a few more times throughout the prologue, but I'm sure you could find it with a once-over or two (would that make it a twice-over? o.o).
Let's talk about tenses, too. I could tell that this prologue was meant to be written in the present tense, but there were some past-tense words. For instance,
"Could" is a past tense verb, and so is "kept". To make this sentence present tense, you would need to replace those two words with "can" and "keeps". I get the feeling that this is supposed to be a sort of flashback, so you were writing exposition in the past tense to make it seem like someone reflecting on their past. Then, you kept the action in the present tense. I understand why you did this, but as a reader, it doesn't really work. My recommendation is to keep it to past tense, and for the exposition parts, do it like this sentence:
I'm not quite sure what this tense is called (forgive my ignorance), but that's a good way to do the exposition in a flashback.
Here are just a few random things I noticed:
This sentence is very awkward because of the first-person narration you established earlier. It doesn't seem like it's coming from the narrator. I'd recommend changing it to something like, "They move slightly and I hear a scream from within the bushes".
I don't really like the double exclamation points here. Keep it to one.
Always spell out numbers in literature. "5" should be "five".
That was about all in the way of technical stuff, so let's move on to content. For a prologue, I think that you give us just the right amount of information. I don't really know how this will connect to the story, but I'm interested to see. We don't know a lot about the narrator, but know things like that his dad left, and that he cares about Raylan. That's enough for now. If there's one more piece of information that I'd like to see in this prologue, it's the narrator's name.
I think that this story could use a bit more description. Not so much that it turns into endless paragraphs of rambling details that no one cares about, of course, but little details, like the weather. The time of year. I imagine this on a hot summer day, when school's out, but it could be in any season for all I know. Things like that will make this more interesting to read.
Overall, I like the story that's being presented so far, and I want to know what happens next. I'd love to see more of this in the future. Keep up the good work!