Somewhere between the
darkening pavement,
wet, splattered
with rain.
A forgotten lunchbox
lovingly stuffed full
sparkling as it rusts.
The brink of
a thunderstorm:
a confused smattering
of clouds.
To paraphrase,
somewhere between
a wireless device
and an absent connection
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Canary word: Present
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This is brilliant! Taking such random words and turning them into a beautiful poem such as this is extremely inventive and takes a lot of talent. I love the images you convey in such few words, such as 'A forgotten lunchbox/lovingly stuffed full/sparkling as it rusts' and 'a confused smattering of clouds'. There was one word, serving as a line of its own, which somewhat confused me; 'hazel'. Is this describing a colour, or a tree, or a nut? The last few lines were also somewhat vague; 'somewhere between/a wireless device/and an absent connection', yet I think this vagueness somehow adds to the poem, as it kind of allows the reader to picture the scene without being constricted by meaning.
An intriguing, extremely imaginative and strangely beautiful poem, yet written in a deceptively simple way. Well done!
Thank youu. And yeah. Hazel will go now.
Hey, Malachi here to review on your poem, that is short but beautiful.
So, you take a bunch of random things, yet put them all together perfectly. I like how you took the pavement and rain and thunderstorm, and connected it all without creating anything other than a normal setting.
The part with the rusty lunchbox was a nice ending touch. Over all great poem.
Keep it up!
Thanks!
Interesting idea. I liked how you gave yourself a set of words you had to include, and fit them really well into the poem. And then I liked the analogy at the end, with how you described the lunchbox. Very nice.
I will reiterate what malinda542 said. I was very curious to see where this was going, especially with all those words that seemed totally unrelated as a group, and yet you gelled them really well. But I ended up skipping over 'hazel' because of how out of place it was, and my eyes had to jump back up to catch that you'd even put it in the poem.
Hope this helps!
Yeah... People don't like the hazel, and it's kind of random. I'm going to go look back over the poem later on and make some small edits. And thanks for the review.
I love this poem, The overall theme and message is wonderful, I love the metaphor at the end. "To paraphrase, somewhere between a wireless device and an absent connection". I was actually kind of curious how all of this would tie in. While the overall message is good I just have a few things to nitpick.
Hazel, I don't really get how that fits into the poem and it kind of disrupts the flow a little bit. I also wish you could have elaborated a bit about the last line to help it tie the whole poem together a bit more. I feel the poem is a little disjointed and a touch confusing. One or two more stanzas to tie it together I think could work well.
I definitely love the poem though, it's got some wonderful imagery and provokes a lot of images.
Thanks ^^ And hazel was a bit weird, I agree. I'll probably revisit it soon and add some more to it.