Young Writers Society

Hey @KayLou1609, Stella here reviewing this poem today!

This was really clever. It took me a couple of lines to get the structure, and then I got sucked in and things took a turn for the worse. I thought it was amazing how you started off with such bright images, that I was fully ready to read throughout, and then how they suddenly turned into something so dark and so sad. Unfortunately I've met a lot of people whose stories are frighteningly similar to this poem, and it resonates very strongly.

I have to say that I think, maybe, the quality of the poem decreases a little towards the end. The first ten lines are all very clear in their meanings and intentions, even the ones wrapped up in metaphor. Eleven loses me, however:

Until eleven when I finally told you and he suffered like I had - blade of steel

the "blade of steel" throws me off - did the mother attack the partner? What exactly happens here? It just didn't work for me as everything else had. While poetry can get away without a full understanding of everything, this is a story with very clear storytelling and I don't think I fully understood the significant of this in Line 11, even though it turns cleverly into something else in Line 12. So while it's a good transition, I just didn't get it in the first line, and I think you can make it clearer or better somehow.

The other thing that really threw me off was Line 17.

I passed the test at seventeen. Suddenly the big sea began to drown you and your lies were exposed

It bothered me that I couldn't quite figure out either of these phrases, what test, what big sea?

Finally, I think that maybe you have two conflicting themes here. One is "Coming of Age" as the title suggests, but the other is a complicated relationship between parent and child that is, in fact, starting to interrupt the child's coming of age, they leave at 15 and yet still get drawn back into a toxic environment. I'm not sure which one is more important to you, but I felt that the actual coming of age got overshadowed by the complications of the relationship towards the end, and I'd urge you not to lose sight of what you wanted the poem to be about.

But honestly, I enjoyed this and loved the concept!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

Hi, KayLou1609! Pan here to review today.

I don't often review poetry but I thought I'd shake things up today. I like the poem, I like the subject matter, and I think for the most part you're pretty good at walking the fine line between revealing too much and too little, though you lean too far one way at times. I like the simplicity of the language - you never hide behind big adjectives or flowery turns of phrase, but there are some stunningly subtle metaphors here. The rhythm is also strong, particularly in the middle.

Right, I'll stop waffling and get onto the specifics.

One, the time I first saw the world; so beautiful was it

That I drew you a picture at two. You pinned it to the wall of the room

That became hers at three; her face was as pretty as the picture, you beamed.

Line two and three are lovely - they settle into an odd but consistent rhythm that I like, and the way you segway from one year to the next is effortless. However, the first line is weak. Because we're not used to the unusual structure of the poem, it's hard to read - I had to go over it a few times before I fully made sense of what was being said.

The first thing I think you need to do is clarify that 'one' refers to 'one year', because at the moment the reader's mind can stray down a hundred different paths, and those instant, immediate conclusions can upset the ease with which you read the piece. If you said 'At one' instead of just 'One' on its own, it would be clearer.

I also think you could tidy up 'the time I first saw the world' as well and reduce the number of syllables, because something about the rhythm of it is too wordy compared to the following lines. It doesn't have the same snappiness.

Another thing I'd suggest would be to change 'was it' to 'it was', because the current syntax just seems forcefully fanciful and poetic. It doesn't go with the generally simple style of the rest of the piece.

With all those points in mind, you might end up with something like

At one, I saw the world; so beautiful it was

That I drew a picture of it at two...

It's obviously just a suggestion and you don't have to adhere to it, but I think it reads more easily.

I found that out at five when he left yelling blue murder, and the light

In your eyes had vanished by six. Instead, it was replaced by intoxication

That broke us at seven, and I almost lost you to the narcotics - so powerful were they

I love 'and the light in your eyes had vanished by six' because it conveys meaning so subtly - it's a prime example of showing over telling. However, I want to see is the same kind of symbolism in the rest of the quote. By using 'intoxication' and 'narcotics', the writing becomes explicit about the issues afflicting the narrator's family rather than subtle, so it loses impact.

See if you can try and think of an indirect or vaguer way to convey that the person was drinking and taking drugs. Symbolise it in shaking hands or pills or dilated pupils - hide the true meaning behind fogged glass. The best poetry leaves a lot of room for interpretation so don't worry about not getting your point across.

Nine was the time I grew up - so soon for a child to lose their freedom

This is a similar issue. It's explicit and it feels like it's forcing a message onto the reader, which isn't what you want. I think it would be better if you chose some kind of image that symbolised premature loss of innocence - perhaps their toys no longer 'talk' to them or something like that. Hint at the meaning, don't say it.

So at fifteen I abandoned you for the world that no longer seemed so beautiful but frightening - terrifying

By sixteen I returned as the loyal servant I was and cared for your crippled soul but nevertheless

I passed the test at seventeen. Suddenly the big sea began to drown you and your lies were exposed

Towards the end of the poem I think the rhythm is disrupted. Your lines seem longer and a little on the convoluted side, so I'd suggest you go through the poem with a fine tooth comb, reading it aloud, and figure out how you can cut these lines down so that they better match the rest of the piece. Keep what I mentioned before in mind, as well, about using images to highlight meanings rather than stating them explicitly - don't say 'cared for your crippled soul', give us an image that suggests they were caring for them.

I hope this helped! I'm sorry if it's a little on the rushed side but I'm strapped for time and trying to get a review out while I can. I did enjoy the poem - it's just fine tweaking and little changes that you need to work on. The idea behind it has a harrowing touch to it that I really like.

Keep writing!
~Pan