Hi and welcome to YWS
I just wanted to say that I was a bit taken a back when I read my first critique, I felt so insulted. But you have to understand that people are only trying to help you, to make your work better. I have improved so much using YWS because of people here setting me straight when some of my ideas have gone of track.
Don't be put off by it, just accept it as constructive criticism because in truth it is.
Oh and definitely don't say anything back to it, like the above. It's just generally not very nice and gets the site moderators on your tail :S
I did actually like this. It was a little generic but it was enjoyable to read, I was sucked in.
What I would recommend is...
-to space this big paragraph into smaller ones (it makes it easier to read and gives it a structure)
-Expand upon the little details; you say she's in highschool, is she doing well? Is she going to miss her friends?
-I also noticed you right this in a casual style, almost like her stream of thought. That's fine but you might want to bring her back out of her head sometimes as well. Like describing her room or what the brochure looks like, the sights, smells, senses.
I think this would work well as a prologue, then continue onto a chapter one. I do hope you continue with this, i am intrigued
Izzy
ps. Hay, I'm 14, doesn't mean I am anymore of a kid than you are .
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