Young Writers Society

So I decided I’ll go along with it all and continue the generations, and I still haven’t understood the facts directly.

I think starting off the first chapter with the word "so" isn't a good lead in. The prologue should have a different tone then how the first chapter starts off.Or at least a good introduction.

But nine days I was to remain human and normal weren’t long enough. I needed more time than that, but I can’t help when my mother dearest went into labor with me on September 10. So it’s September 1 and I’m counting down the days I have to be a normal teenage girl. I call my boyfriend, Riley; he picks up on the first ring.

Okay I admitt it I do this ALOT, but it's not good to use "but" in the beginning of a sentence. If you still do, make it as least as possible. Also I think you could elaborate here, like is the mom dead or gone? I'm assuming that must be true because she's referred to as "mother dearest" unless you meant that in the other sense....[Like a reference to the movie Mommy Dearest, which would mean you were saying her mother isn't the kindest.] But [see im doing it lol] nothing wrong with using mother dearest, i just think you should elaboate. Maybe you mentioned this in the prologue? Usual prologues give information or events that happened much prior to the story. Maybe you would consider putitng some of the prologue into the first chapter if that's the case.

“Hey babe,” whenever he knows the phone call is[from] me, he answers it the same way.

“Maybe a little bit of both?”


“Right.” He was right because I felt every bit confused, annoyed, and pissed off.

Both actually refers to two, you mention three emotions here. How about Riley says, "Maybe all three?" or you take off either annoyed or take off pissed off.

[quote] “Okay, fine. In nine days I’m becoming a witch. Happy?” He’s silent for a few minutes and when he doesn’t reply I feel guilty for even telling me. [quote]

A slight correction here.

[quote] “Love you too, Rae Rae.” I hang up the phone and look in my vanity. I pull the rubber band from my hair and release the chestnut ringlets that curl on and on to the middle of my back. My hair is something I’ve always taken pride in. Every one of the women in my family have and grown up with the same ringlet curls that I have. I lean in to find the familiar emerald green eyes staring back at me and the barely visible freckles that were sprinkled under my eyes and on my nose. [quote]

I like the description here! You should expand on lot of your settings this way and you characters too.

[quote] My bedroom, the biggest in the whole house was at the very end of the hallway. I run down the hallway and slide down the banister. Something I’ve mastered since I lived here, which is my whole life. I land with a slight thump and skip to the kitchen to find my grandmother drinking tea and reading a classic novel; which I have no interest in knowing what it is. [quote]

Hallway is repetitive right there. And the last phrase in this paragraph needs to be reworded.

[quote] “You kids and your slang commentaries, I swear young adults back then did not say ‘catch ya later.’” [quote]

Her grandmother really doesn’t say anything special here and the sentence could use some cleaning up. I’m not sure if “slang commentaries” really makes a whole lot of sense. And her grandmother saying “back then” also doesn’t, shouldn’t she say back in my day? Or something else? What does she mean by back then, when she hasn’t mentioned anything about it.


[quote] I am not listening to another one of grandmother’s stories about back then [and] this and that.” I go walk out of the kitchen and to the door to find I can’t open it. That’s weird, I think. The door is unlocked yet it’s not opening. [quote]


[quote] “Very,” And with a flick of her wrist I hear the door squeak open, and the [seeing the] afternoon light shine in. [quote]

[quote] I walk down three blocks to find a house that’s painted a yellow with light green shutters you can’t miss, or known Riley’s house. [quote]

Need to rephrase this sentence.

[quote] I grab Riley’s hand and we start off to his bedroom the dogs following close behind. He opens the door to let me, and the dogs, through. I walk over to survey his bookshelf, yes, my boyfriend has a bookshelf; don’t be frightened. He flops down on his bed and pats the space that’s left behind; I go over and sit down slowly letting myself relax in his arms. [quote]

Describe his house more, are his parents home? What’s it like instead exactly? And what’s on the bookshelf?

[quote] “So what did you want to talk about?” [quote]

And another thing, why isn’t Rae worried about the fact that she just told him she’s a witch, and shouldn’t her thoughts be more curios about what Riley has to say?

[quote] “I’m a witch.” [quote]

Very confusing right here, I thought it was Rae telling again. Change the word with to wizard and it will make a lot more sense J.


[quote] He leans over his bed and down at his girlfriend [down at me] who[ as I] was rubbing her head [my head] due to the fact [I] she hit it on the wooden floor. He gives a short laugh and gets down helping me up. [quote]

You went to third person and then back to first person right here.


[quote] “This can’t be happening.” Get used to it, it already is happening. I start hyperventilating making Riley become nervous. [quote]

When she says get used to it…is that what she’s telling herself? You should elaborate so it could be like, “It already is happening, get used to it, I tell myself as I start…”

[quote] “Look, I really am. Look over there,” he points to the bookshelf, and points his finger, [quote]

Period at the end of this sentence.

“Alas.” And the book moved from being on the first shelf to the second.

Contradiction here? You should go back and describe the bookshelf more.

[quote] “What is there some witchy law that says you can’t?” [quote]

Maybe don’t use the word witchy? But if you like it better that way

[quote] “Great. So does this mean I never really fell for you?” [quote]

Can you elaborate why all a sudden he can tell her? I mean I’m guessing he can because she’s a witch too but you might want to include that so the reader doesn’t have to guess.

And what does she mean, “I never really fell for you?” Does she think that he used magic to make her like him? Please be more specific about what’s going through Rae’s mind.


[quote] I look up at the shaggy sun blonde haired boy with blue eyes that you wish you could look into forever. Searching them for something you [I] never knew, something you [I] needed. That boy was not no Harry friggn’ Potter. That’s why I’m in love with him and more. [quote]

Instead of friggn’ …well I guess it’s up to you on that.



All in all, I really liked this story and the concept of it. Although the only other thing I would have to say, where is the conflict? Where is the evidence that your plot is going to develop, and what was the purpose of the interaction between Rae and Riley…

I think that if you take a bit more time on it, it will be better. Still think you should keep writing more of this! Hope I helped.

So I decided I’ll go along with it all and continue the generations, and I still haven’t understood the facts directly.

I think starting off the first chapter with the word "so" isn't a good lead in. The prologue should have a different tone then how the first chapter starts off.Or at least a good introduction.

But nine days I was to remain human and normal weren’t long enough. I needed more time than that, but I can’t help when my mother dearest went into labor with me on September 10. So it’s September 1 and I’m counting down the days I have to be a normal teenage girl. I call my boyfriend, Riley; he picks up on the first ring.

Okay I admitt it I do this ALOT, but it's not good to use "but" in the beginning of a sentence. If you still do, make it as least as possible. Also I think you could elaborate here, like is the mom dead or gone? I'm assuming that must be true because she's referred to as "mother dearest" unless you meant that in the other sense....[Like a reference to the movie Mommy Dearest, which would mean you were saying her mother isn't the kindest.] But [see im doing it lol] nothing wrong with using mother dearest, i just think you should elaboate. Maybe you mentioned this in the prologue? Usual prologues give information or events that happened much prior to the story. Maybe you would consider putitng some of the prologue into the first chapter if that's the case.

“Hey babe,” whenever he knows the phone call is[from] me, he answers it the same way.

“Maybe a little bit of both?”


“Right.” He was right because I felt every bit confused, annoyed, and pissed off.

Both actually refers to two, you mention three emotions here. How about Riley says, "Maybe all three?" or you take off either annoyed or take off pissed off.

“Okay, fine. In nine days I’m becoming a witch. Happy?” He’s silent for a few minutes and when he doesn’t reply I feel guilty for even telling me.

“See? I told you.”


“Hush, we have to talk.” Oh great this doesn’t sound too good, “Meet me at my house?”


“Sure, I love you.”


“Love you too, Rae Rae.” I hang up the phone and look in my vanity. I pull the rubber band from my hair and release the chestnut ringlets that curl on and on to the middle of my back. My hair is something I’ve always taken pride in. Every one of the women in my family have and grown up with the same ringlet curls that I have. I lean in to find the familiar emerald green eyes staring back at me and the barely visible freckles that were sprinkled under my eyes and on my nose.


My bedroom, the biggest in the whole house was at the very end of the hallway. I run down the hallway and slide down the banister. Something I’ve mastered since I lived here, which is my whole life. I land with a slight thump and skip to the kitchen to find my grandmother drinking tea and reading a classic novel; which I have no interest in knowing what it is.


“I’m going over to Riley’s, catch ya later?”


“You kids and your slang commentaries, I swear young adults back then did not say ‘catch ya later.’”

I am not listening to another one of grandmother’s stories about back then this and that.” I go walk out of the kitchen and to the door to find I can’t open it. That’s weird, I think. The door is unlocked yet it’s not opening.


“Grandma!” I lean back into the kitchen to see that she’s grinning, with a finger pointed towards the door, “That’s not cool!”


“You forgot something.”


I fully place myself in the kitchen and plant a kiss on Grandmother’s cheek. I swear she thinks it’s still the olden days and I have to kiss her wherever I go.


“Happy?”


“Very,” And with a flick of her wrist I hear the door squeak open, and the afternoon light shine in.

I leave her in the midst of her magic and leave through the open door. I breathe in the cool September air and let it out slowly. I step down each step and look around to see leaves of red and orange dance on the sidewalk with no thought of where to go. Ah, the beauty of fall, I thought to myself. I walk down three blocks to find a house that’s painted a yellow with light green shutters you can’t miss, or known Riley’s house.


I knock three times and wait to hear the dogs rushing to the door and Riley hushing them. He opens the door and I rush into him; hugging him tightly as if I hadn’t seen him in years.


“Miss me?” He whispers, close enough to let the warm air tickle my ear.


“As always,” I smile and release him bending down to say hello to Riley’s two Australian Sheppard puppies, Shark and Spike. I came up with the names; Riley had let me the day he got them.

I grab Riley’s hand and we start off to his bedroom the dogs following close behind. He opens the door to let me, and the dogs, through. I walk over to survey his bookshelf, yes, my boyfriend has a bookshelf; don’t be frightened. He flops down on his bed and pats the space that’s left behind; I go over and sit down slowly letting myself relax in his arms.


“So what did you want to talk about?”


“I have something to tell you,” I tense, he draws his fingers up and down my arm instantly soothing me and relieving the tension that filled the barrier to him.


“I’m a witch.”


“You have got to be kidding me!” I jump out of his arms and flew off the bed, “Ow, damnit.” He leans over his bed and down at his girlfriend who was rubbing her head due to the fact she hit it on the wooden floor. He gives a short laugh and gets down helping me up.


“Are you alright?”


“Sure am, but were you kidding with me? About the wizard thing?” I sit on his bed again patting the bed to let Shark come up. I rub his head and down to his back, he wags his tail from the attention. I kiss him on the head and place him on the floor.


“I wasn’t kidding, Rae.” He sounds serious, and I hope he isn’t.


“This can’t be happening.” Get used to it, it already is happening. I start hyperventilating making Riley become nervous.


“Breathe in and out.” He walks over and pulls me into his arms, I keep breathing in and out. Five minutes later I’m completely calm again and back to normal, “Thank goodness.”


“Humph.”


“Look, I really am. Look over there,” he points to the bookshelf, and points his finger, “Alas.” And the book moved from being on the first shelf to the second.


“So how come you never told me about this?!”


“What?”


“Why didn’t you tell me about you being a freaking wizard!’?” I cuddle into a ball on the corner of his bed and bring my knees up and wrapping my arms around them.


“I couldn’t.”


“What is there some witchy law that says you can’t?”


“Actually –“I cut him off.


“Do not tell me there is.”


“There is.”


“Great. So does this mean I never really fell for you?”


“No! Rae, don’t think that.” He walks over and positions himself against the wall and pulls me close to him, I try to push him away; but I end up giving in and letting him hold me there in his tight embrace, “I loved you from the beginning without magic.”


“Seriously?”


“Seriously,” he smiles and kisses the top of my head. Oh, how I could fall for him time and time again without ever getting tired of it.


I look up at the shaggy sun blonde haired boy with blue eyes that you wish you could look into forever. Searching them for something you never knew, something you needed. That boy was not no Harry friggn’ Potter. That’s why I’m in love with him and more.


“I love you,” I look up at those deep blue eyes and find love and comfort.


“Loving you takes more than you know,” he laughs as I look at him with the pout and glare of a child, “Only kidding babe.”


“Better.”


“Of course I love you too.” I stare back at up and press my lips to his and let the electricity flow thorough me.


I fall asleep afterwards, and I didn’t feel him place me on his pillow and getting up to leave. I awake an hour later and don’t find him in the room, I look down to the pillow besides me and there’s a note that’s addressed to me in his writing.


Whenever you are to wake up, I’ll be in the living room. You looked so peaceful, I didn’t wake you. I called to tell your mom you’ll be home later. Love always, Ri.


I smile and put the letter in my pocket for safe keeping. He’s known to give letters or notes when I’m not around, I kept all of them; in a box that sits idly under my bed. I walk down to the living room to find him sitting there nodding off and on watching South Park. I tip toe over to him and bended down, “Wake up sleepy head.” I whispered in his ear the way he did when I first came over. He jumps and turns around then smiles.


“You’re up.”


“Mmmm thanks for letting me sleep.” I walk around the couch and flop down grabbing the remote from him, “Now I’m changing the channel.” I give a quick grin and turn to some chick flick he’s known to hate so much.


“Awe come on, why do we have to watch this?” He groans, see? I told you he hated chick flicks. He lets me watch it anyways, I always win.


After it’s over I decide I want to go home, “Can you take me home?”


“Why now?”


“I’ve been here half the day, babe.” Which was true, I was hear longer than I had planned. But who cares if you spend the whole day with your boyfriend. There’s no harm in that.


“Fine, wanna walk?” He looks sad, but he always does whenever I leave him; even for the shortest amount of time.


“Mhm that would be nice.” I get up and grab his hand; we go through the heavy oak door and out into the drowsy fall day. We walk the same way I came just hours before, we end up at my door in less than fifteen minutes.


I lean up on my toes and give him a him a kiss wrapping my arms around his neck, “I’ll see you tomorrow?” He hugs me tightly never letting go then I pull away.


“Always.” He turns to leave and I watch him as his figure slowly gets smaller and smaller.