The world spins in deathly circles and I can barely see through the foggy windows. I can’t see what’s happening as the car spins out of control onto a grass filled meadow. Suddenly, it all stops and time has slowed down, so slow I can picture each and every tree in my sight with full detail. How the bark layers on and on each one more new than the last, the green leaves that are slowly turning fall colors of orange and red, ambivalent. I can see it all, each passing by as I feel my life coming to an end. I hear a crash, and then it all goes black without a scream.
“Take a breath, for me. Take a breath! ” Someone has said to me, their voice filled with worry and anger. “Annabelle, please.” Their voice quieter than before, a plead, more than a command.
I try breathing in the best I can, when nothing happens, I struggle even more. Open your mouth; suck in the cool night air. Do it, now! I thought to myself suddenly becoming agitated I couldn’t do as told. I try once more at the action I’ve known all my life, ever since I was born without even succeeding.
“Do something!” Someone screams, not to me, I can tell that much.
“I am sorry, I cannot help you. She has to do this on her own.” A heavenly, smooth, rehearsed voice replied back to him.
“Help her, please.” He whispers.
“I cannot.” The heavenly voice says once more, his voice steadily receding from wherever I was. “Tell her of things only known between you. A trick, which may help.”
“Annabelle Sophia, do you remember that night I first met you? Where the stars twinkled above, and we danced till the stars receded and the sun arrived?”
Ryan. I fixate my mind to show me an image of the one I love. The brown haired, green eyed boy smiled back at me with a lopsided grin and a sparkle in his eye. I silently remember that night, where I first met him. Where we danced under the stars for hours. A pang of sorrow and happiness combined floods through me. Breath, please breathe. I need him more than anything, please! I told myself. I so desperately tried to breathe once again, but it has completely failed to respond.
“Or maybe that early morning where you and Riley stayed up all night and walked the neighborhood and you ran into me? Then we all went to Benny’s where we ordered dinner for breakfast?” He laughs at the fond memory. “Remember?”
Yes, I remember,I thought to myself.
“How about that school trip to Europe, where it rained all day our entire stay, but didn’t let water ruin our weeks there? I remember that’s where I first kissed you.” He sighs. “Do you remember?”
“I know you do, but it was raining and you decided to dance in the rain. I stayed behind, and you tried and tried to get me to come with you but I stayed. You giggled and walked into the pouring rain, and started twirling around and around.”
Right as always my dear Ryan, I thought.
“You looked beautiful with your grey sweats and yellow tee-shirt, bright blue rain coat atop with your mocha curls a mess. I blinked taking it all in and at the same time I ran towards you in the rain and grabbed you and started twirling. We laughed for more than what was necessary, and I leaned in to kiss you. I laughed as you stood on your tippy toes trying to reach me.”
I couldn’t take him remembering all of those memories while I was at his lap not even breathing. Okay, let’s try this again. Please breathe, I said to myself. I opened my mouth and sucked in cool air that rushed through me, burning as it went. I released the air back out into the world and let my eyes flutter open.
Seeing a tear streaked Ryan, I felt tears well up and release themselves down my cheeks down to the corners of my mouth. “Ryan!” I lifted myself up and held him tight, hardly letting go.
“Oh, Annabelle, I knew you’d come back to me! I knew!” He kissed me and held me tight, but slowly releasing me as he see's I've winced from whatever injury I had.
“Ryan?” I ask. My voice was barely a whisper.
“Yes, sweetheart?” His green eyes looked deep into my eyes, as if he could see inside my soul and see the feelings I’ve have for him since forever.
“I do remember, Ryan. I remember it all.” He smiles and hugs me once more, and I look into those dark green eyes and see the love that really has stayed strong for a mere three years. “I love you.”
“As I have done for years.”
*
Should I keep going? Does it sound like an interesting story beginning? I tried to make it a short story, but to say, I'm not fond of those. So should I continue?
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140,597 Literary Works • 673,549 Reviews
You should totally continue...it was touchy...I want to read more...
You should definitely keep going! Absolutely beautiful and hypnotizing.... Write more please...
Yeah, so I almost cried while reading this. Only thing that I have are:
I highly doubt anyone would describe another's haircolor like this in a time of panic.But other than that I don't think you should continue. I like it the way it is. I don't see it going anywhere else. But I think you did a marvellous job anyways.
Wow. I loved it. There were a few minor errors, where your sentences were a bit wordy and didn't flow very well. I liked the idea of all of the memories bringing her back. You were very detailed in describing them, which added to the impact. The emotion between the characters i thought seemed very real. I'm curious about the third character, is it an angel? Continue this! I think it could go places.
Such a cut e story definitly continue writing this it sounds so sweer . I love romance stories they make me remember special events in my life.
I loved it!! If I had tearducts I would have balled my eyes out. (Just pulling your leg.(About the tear ducts part not the part that said i loved it because I truely loved it.)) I loved your descriptions but who is that other voice, that is what confuses me. But I wouldn't worry because I am easily confused
Love, Peace, Hate,
Charlotte Grace
Cute.
I'm usually not a fan of romance, but I really liked this.
This is nothing major, but there's a little repetition here. Maybe you could replace one of the spins with a different word?
"Someone" should be lower cased. You did this a few times throughout the story.
I agree with Chelsea. This part is confusing. Who's saying this?
One second she can't breathe and the next she's hugging him tight? That really doesn't make sense. I'm assuming that she had serious injuries since she was dying, so how can she be hugging someone the minute she starts breathing again?
Other than that, I really liked it. Ryan seems awesome. It was well written, except for the parts where it changed from past tense to present tense. But if you fix that, it'll be great. You should definitely keep going.
I loved this, keep on writing more!!!!! i can'r wait to read more of this!
This was so beautiful. Truly remarkable. I NEED TO READ MORE OF THIS!!!!!! It was so sweet and amazing. I love Ryan's personality!!!!
This was really good ^^
You just keep changing from the past and the present, that's all.
I would like to learn more about their past, and maybe just a few more details. But I think you have a really good story here
keep on writing ! ^^
Ida Cupatti !
Oh GOD! I fell in love with this story!!! Keep going PLEASE!
Hey hey
You have set yourself up for an extremely interesting story here, and by all means, of course you should continue writing it.
There are just a few things you need to get out of the habbit of doing before you continue writing.
What tense is this in? Your entire story switches from past to present tense all the way through. You need to decide what tense you're writing in and stick with it. I chose this line to pick out because it doesn't have a tense. "Has" makes it sounds like it's in the present and "said" makes it sound like it's in the past.
Okay, this confused me. I'm jumping back and forth from thinking this is a paramedic, to thinking this is God. (Ha ha, never thought I'd ever say that.)
Is Ryan screaming out to God to help you, and if he is, can he hear God's voice as well?
But if this is a paramedic, why can't he/she help? It is their job after all.
Also, I was wondering, didn't Ryan sustain any injuries during this crash? Maybe you should elaborate on that more.
I think you should put in something between the two people talking to show that Ryan is thinking of something to say. I think it sounds a bit awkward that Ryan answers straight away without thinking, as if he's been practicing.
Also...Don't you think Annabelle isn't breathing for a very long time? I don't know, it was just something I noticed.
This is another sentence where you have jumbled up your tenses quite a bit. You need to decide on past or present tense.
"All day" isn't necessary.
Another example of tense confusion. Present, Past
Maybe it's just me, but I think three years is a long time. Maybe "mere" should be taken away, or you should elaborate on why she thinks of the three years this way.
I've critiqued quite a few things, but this isn't to say your writing isn't good. I think this is a fabulous story beginning and it has the potential to become an excelent piece.
All you need to do is clear up your tense issues, and then you've got it down.
Good luck
~*~Chelsea~*~
Good job. It's a great idea! You might be able to refine it a bit more, but you've got an amazing story to work with. If you want to turn this into a novel, I would put this scene somewhere towards the climax. It could be a beginning, but I think if you give some more plot prior to this, it would be that much more powerful. Keep up the good work!
*tears rain down* OMG
this is.. the most beautiful thing i've ever read. well done. *Bows Respectfully* you should continue. i hope you make it in to something wonderful. your writing descriptions were so amazing. really in depth feel for emotion.
Cant wait to read more.
SIGNING OFF --Wiz
Aha. I loved that<3. It was so adorable. i hope you write more. I would love if you made this into like a chapter book! Well hope you continue writing!
--Jessie.
Brilliantly written, I think. I love the beginning description and overall the idea is very mystical and cute at the same time. I believe you should extend it, I would definitely read more of your work. Good luck!
AWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!! That was so touching!! I'm like crying
That was beautiful! I definatly think you should continue it!
*mops up tears with tissue* Beautiful just beautiful
Keep up the awesome work!
-Irish
This is extremly good! I only have one nitpik that caught my eye though:
You put two "you"s where it says "Where you and Riley and you-" So yeah, just fix that and you good to go for me.
I think you should continue this. I would love to read the rest of what happens, because i believe you have a lot of talent and i'd deffinatly read the rest!
If you do, please send me a message with a link so i can read it! Please and thank you!