The sole
A vital part.
It bears the brunt,
Of pounding footsteps
It takes the everyday wear and tear,
In its stride.
Sometimes it cracks,
Holes appear
But they can easily be covered up.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I agree wholeheartedly with Snoink.
) So you must accept that, and move on.
And unknown poet---
June is one of the most helpful poetry-critiquers on this site; and she didn't say anything to dismiss or discourage KayDee. A caustic remark was unneeded.
And KayDee, I thought your poem brilliant.
However, sometimes people, even smart, intuitive people, have different views on a work that what the author intended. (This happens with pretty much everything I write.
I, personally, looked at the title and thought- soles? She must mean both soles and souls, because no one writes about soles.
other than that, do everything Snoink said and keep writing.
empress
Eek! I really liked this for the most part. It reminded me of William Carlos Williams's "Red Wheelbarrow", which is always a good thing! My main problem was it wasn't simplistic enough.
The sole
A vital part.
It bears the brunt,
Of pounding footsteps <-- love the beginning!
It takes the everyday wear and tear, <-- this seems unnecessary and it has too many words--play around with it!
In its stride.
Sometimes it cracks,
Holes appear <-- appear is such a weak verb!
But they can easily be covered up. <-- I don't like the italics... I think if you shorten the line (maybe "but those can be covered up") then it would have a punchier ending without having to resort to gimmicky writing.
Still, I liked this a lot! A gold star for you!
I don't agree with you Juniper. It is quite blatent that KayDee had her own intentions and it is a shame that you did not pick up on her brilliantly crafted extended metaphor. any elaboration would cloud this otherwise simplistic and therefore perfectly woven collections of words.
Thanks for the critisism. I was kind of going for a more stark image of the sole as a metaphorical represntation of the soul, so I think I'm gonna keep it as it is.
But thank you for the input
Hello, Kaydee!
I can't say that I enjoyed the narrative style in this. I felt that it was too tell-y, as if you're just giving us this information to do what we wish with it.
I think that, in order to make this poetic, you should focus on livening your words -- use words to describe this sole that you otherwise wouldn't. Use words in new contexts, incorporate poetic devices, and elaborate. Elaboration would help this poem, because right now, you're just telling us about a [seemingly] everyday object, and where's the interest in that? Step back, look at this, and make this interesting for us to read.
Not bad, it's a start. Keep writing, and PM me if you've any questions. =)
June