Intertwined Fates

Hi Roma here,

First off I have to start off by saying I love harry potter and anything to do with it, like a lot of others that posted here ha-ha.

So with that being said, this piece was quite interesting to read, I would have never imagined giving harry a sister so that was amazing on your part. I do like the way the story opened up, though I personally feel that there could have been a little more detail added to it. After the match is where you start to lose me just a little bit. I feel like everything just moved so fast and it just through me for a loop. Its like one second they're there, then there and boom unconscious in the forbidden forest. So my advice would be to slow things down and add a little more details to certain places like the match and walking around hogsmeade. Then speed it up a little leading to the action and then punch it home. So overall I do like your fanfic and really loved the concept. With a little tune up it would be great, so keep at it.

Roma signing off.

OMG!!! I'm a big fan of Harry Potter so naturally anything related is bound to interest me. I specially like the way your story mentions Beauxbatons, Gladrags Wizardwear, Zonko’s Joke Shop and other shops at Hogsmeade without straying too much from the main plot, now I know that can be hard but you managed pretty well . It was a great idea to mention Quidditch as it is central to Harry's life and a story delving deeper into his family life must have a mention of it. Though the writing could have been better, the plot rocks! I loved every bit of this and hope to read more of your stuff!

Okay, hey! I am wisegirl22, here to review your fanfiction! I have read a bit of Harry Potter, so I at least know what you are talking about.

So, Katyayani, first of all, the beginning paragraph is a bit mixed up. Shouldn't the introduction of the name be mentioned at the start? It seems as if it got moved, because when I read it the piece seemed broken up, into one subject than another. Just one thing to think about, maybe you can create some smooth transitions in the first paragraph. Second thing, a lot of your punctuation for your dialogue is outside of your quotation marks. Put it in. Third, everything in this short chapter seems to be moving so fast. I need more details, more description. And, when the family reunites, there is some problems. When you use the ellipsis, there are WAY too many. A simple three would do. And right after the ellipsis, the three punctuation marks. Using more than one punctuation mark is grammatically incorrect, so fix that. The family reunion is very sweet. I like it!

I think this could turn into a nice novel instead. I really enjoyed reading this, and reviewing your chapters would be amazing. If you do take my suggestion, tag me so I can review it. But keep writing!

-wisegirl22

Hello! Happy Review Day!

I am a fan of FanFiction. And I adore Harry Potter. So when I saw this, I had to read it and review.

The moon is in the sky. I don't remember how I ended up in these woods. As I strain my eyes to look for him, the pendant of my chain falls with a c-l-i-i-i-i-n-c-k. I have no idea what the letters ‘lj' inscribed in the circle stand for. My name is Adeline Austen. No L. No J. I put it in my pocket. My adoptive Mum says that I had it even before I was adopted. She says that my real parents sent me into her care “to protect me.”

Amidst the trees and bushes, I perceive him, lying unconscious on the ground. But my myopic vision does not help much.

Neither does the sun, which refuses to rise. I need my glasses. As soon as I see him, my memories resurface. It is hard to believe that today morning I was swooping towards the Snitch, eager to catch it before Harry. One hand was tightly gripping the broom while the other was outstretched to catch the flying, golden ball. Harry was close behind me but I had already lunged for the Snitch. He was a second too late. I flashed a triumphant smile. The real Inter-School Quidditch match was next week. The Beauxbaton’s Quidditch coach has indeed taught me neat tricks.“I have tough competition”, he complimented.

Following the practice match, Harry showed me around Hogsmeade, a village near Hogwarts. I tasted butterbeer at Three Broomsticks. We spent the rest of the day exploring every nook and cranny of Hogsmeade. Shrieking Shack, Gladrags Wizardwear, Zonko’s Joke Shop and other interesting shops. Honeydukes Sweetshop reminded me of a shop called Sucré in France. I had never thought a day out with my competitor could be so enjoyable.

While we were returning to Hogwarts, he insisted to walk through the Forbidden Forest and assured that it was “as safe as houses”. Apparently it wasn’t. A herd of feral centaurs armed with bows and arrows sprang out from all thirty-two points on a compass. Just a moment before, I had seen them trying to start a fire. They appeared to be in the middle of a centaur-only ritual. Now, they seemed to be descending on us from all directions. Harry tried the Stupefying Charm on one of the creatures. However, it was miscalculated. A flash of green light, which was supposed to hit a savage looking centaur, hit me right in the face. Then I blacked out.

I run towards him and check his pulse. A pure gold ring on his index finger draws my attention. I gasp. It is a circle circumscribing the letters ‘lj’.

“My Dad’s”, he murmurs. When I show him my pendant, shock and surprise adorn every sinew of his face.

As if out of nowhere, a sphere of golden light encloses us. The golden sphere lifts us into the air. Harry, traumatic as ever and I, bewildered as ever, look at each other for some kind of explanation.

A silvery-grey mist is perceivable inside the sphere. Only, it is not just mist. The mist assumes a denser form. My eyes open wide in puzzle. The haze becomes denser and denser until I can distinguish two faces quite clearly. A man who strikingly resembles Harry, wearing Harry’s ring is followed by a green-eyed woman who resembles………………me!!! Her slender neck is embellished with a chain that has my pendant. Lily and James Potter. LJ. And then it dawns on me. I am Adeline Potter.

At last, I've found my family. I throw myself into my brother’s arms and let tears roll down my cheeks.

Hi there!

I'm here to review your fantastic work!

Well let me say this, fanfcition? I don't mind it one bit. I know a lot of people don't like it, and it's not a genre that people usually venture into. So, i'm gonna have to congratulate you for thinking of writing something along those lines.

And, its Harry Potter. So, maybe I'm a little biased

Okay, onto the review.

I swear, I did not expect what I read when I opened this up. Honestly, I thought it was going to be some cheesy thing with Hermione instead of Ginny or something. Isn't that how they write it nowadays? Or maybe I'm a little behind.

I have to give you props for originality because who would have ever thought of this? Really good! I appreciate the effort you've taken into writing this.

However, I really do wish you'd proof-read this before you posted it because I feel so many little errors could have been avoided.

Noelle has already ripped the story to bits and I honestly don't know how i can top that so I'll just say what I wanted to.

I felt the story was a little rushed and for a moment, I didn't really understand what was going on. I feel you could have written more and done it very elaborately. It just feels like you had a bunch of thoughts and you wanted to write it down before you forgot.

Also, it's a little too short. I loved the ending. I thought it was great. But I would have loved it even more if the story was a little longer.

Well, that's all I can say in this review.

I have to say, you did a pretty good job!

Keep writing!

Hi there!

I'm not really a big fan of fanfiction, I'll be honest. The only kind I really like is Hunger Games fanfiction because that's usually people telling stories of different Games without using Suzanne's characters.

But I'm definitely glad I read this one. I'm a huge fan of Harry Potter (let's face it, who isn't? ^_^) so anything related is awesome. (unless it's a story that ships Draco and the apple. That's just weird) And I have to say, you did a good job with this story. It's rather short, but you were able to fit everything you needed into that amount of words.

I know Tigga already pointed out your first paragraph, but I want to add to what he said. The reason he doesn't understand it is because it's a bit all over the place. If we go through it line by line you'll see what I mean.

The moon is in the sky.

I don't remember how I ended up in these woods.

As I strain my eyes to look for him, the pendant of my chain falls with a c-l-i-i-i-i-n-c-k.

I have no idea what the letters ‘lj’inscribed in the circle stand for. My name is Adeline Austen. No L. No J. I put it in my pocket. My adoptive Mum says that I had it even before I was adopted. She says that my real parents sent me into her care “to protect me.”

But my my optic vision does not help much.

Neither does the sun, which refuses to rise.

“I have tough competition”, he complimented.

Honeydukes Sweetshop reminded me of a shop called Sucré in France.

Hey there! I'm Tigga, let's do this review.

For starters:

The moon is in the sky. I don't remember how I ended up in these woods. As I strain my eyes to look for him, the pendant of my chain falls with a c-l-i-i-i-i-n-c-k. I have no idea what the letters ‘lj’inscribed in the circle stand for. My name is Adeline Austen. No L. No J. I put it in my pocket. My adoptive Mum says that I had it even before I was adopted. She says that my real parents sent me into her care “to protect me.”

I perceive him, lying unconscious on the ground. But my myopic vision does not help much.

I run towards him and check his pulse. A pure gold ring on his index finger draws my attention. I gasp. It is a circle circumscribing the letters ‘lj’. “My Dad’s”, he murmurs. When I show him my pendant, shock and surprise adorn every sinew of his face.As if out of nowhere, a sphere of golden light encloses us. The golden sphere lifts us into the air. Harry, traumatic as ever and I, bewildered as ever, look at each other for some kind of explanation. A silvery-grey mist is perceivable inside the sphere. Only, it is not just mist. The mist assumes a denser form. My eyes open wide in puzzle. The haze becomes denser and denser until I can distinguish two faces quite clearly. A man who strikingly resembles Harry, wearing Harry’s ring is followed by a green-eyed woman who resembles………………me!!! Her slender neck is embellished with a chain that has my pendant. Lily and James Potter. LJ. And then it dawns on me. I am Adeline Potter.

At last, I've found my family. I throw myself into my brother’s arms and let tears roll down my cheeks.