Hey Kattie! Here for a chop-up review for your piece!
And I would say you were soulless,
If I thought it were true.
I really like the first few verses. They rock. They kept that steady progression that seems to give an impact if read aloud. Unfortunately, it was broken there, at the final line. The line before that is actually good, but continuing with the final line, you seem not to sure anymore. The tone of defiance became shrill, gone, in fact. Thus it broke the fluidity of the piece. Do check up on that!
That’s always been my problem.
I have the condition, the disease,
the disfigurement of hope ,
Relentlessly and ruthlessly.
I struggle with it every day.
I truly love this stanza. I mean, I've been reviewing all day and most of the other poems' problems are coherency and fluidity and all that, but lemme say, this stanza is perfect, for me, coherence-wise. I mean, it flows down easily until day, which is very positive. My only concern is that you add some more embellishments there to make it a more entertaining stanza.
With a smile that could kill,
A heart fit to break,
I will make a difference,
Cliche. Yup, a comment in one word. Well, these line are quite used already, so I do recommend rewriting them!
Oh, look at that! I'm done reviewing! Well, thanks a lot for the wonderful read! Keep writing and good luck!
Yours indefinitely,
Alf
Points: 25520
Reviews: 308
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