Hello! Friendly neighborhood reviewer Jay here, back from the dead. I would like to begin this review off with: holy somokes, dude. Very well written! I have very few critiquing comments to make about this.
I first just have a few grammar nitpicks:
"I'm sorry for collapsing again, Father Ciel, sometimes I can't help it you know? I try relaxing in a pew reading about our #0000BF ">holy lord, then the next thing you know I'm passed out--"
If we're talking about a one and true God not unlike the Christian God, you capitalize all nouns and pronouns referring to Him. So, Holy Lord should be capitalized. If not, you may want to make that a little clearer, so people don't cock eyebrows.
"Uh, sorry... #BF0000 ">Er... Ciel. I can go back #BF0000 ">out the pews and sit there for a bit if you would like to finish writing #BF0000 ">with disturbance."
Unless "uh, sorry... er... Ciel," are all three separate sentences instead of him stuttering on one sentence, "er" should be lowercase, since it's in the middle of a sentence and is not a proper noun.
"I can go back out the pews," I believe you meant to say "I can go back out to the pews" or "I can go back to the pews."
"... if you would like to finish writing with disturbance." With disturbance? My good sir, I believe you meant to say "without disturbance."
Lastly, I feel you need to make it more clear that Yurei is a ghost. I finished the story and I thought that the "Knowing Ciel couldn't see him, Yurei nodded his head..." was just because Ciel was hunched over and looking at his work. Throughout the story it's not implied that Yurei's the one doing things, it's flat out said in several cases.
"Yurei! Wake up!"
Yurei fixed his posture, standing up and facing Ciel, trying not to trip over his own feet.
...even though Yurei woke up in a gross cold sweat.
Yurei shut the door to make some noise...
Father Ciel straight-up calling out to Yurei to wake up shatters any possibility of readers thinking anything of him being a ghost unless they're flat-out told he is.
Saying Yurei fixed his posture and was trying not to trip over his own feet implies that he has a physical body, because what ghost trips? What ghost worries about posture? At least, when we're thinking about classic paranormal ghosts, and not The Heroes of Olympus house gods in Camp Jupiter. And even then...
Saying Yurei was the one to shut the door also throws that fantasy out the window; yes, ghosts have the ability to affect aspects of the physical world in classic paranormal stories, but saying he shut it loudly to alert his roommate of his presence is awfully odd. Why didn't the unnamed boy note it shutting loudly, or shutting at all, if he wasn't the one to close it? Did Yurei only die a few years ago? Because earlier, it said "a few years ago, Yurei and some of the other children..." meaning he was alive recently, or there are other dead children. And he considers himself Father Ciel's roommate.
Things to ponder upon, unless you've already thought all these things out and have your own explanations for them later in your story. In which case, feel free to disregard this entire section of my review (or, even if not, feel free to disregard it, 'cause I'm kind of a trashy reviewer).
Anyway, until the next chapter!
-Jay
Points: 1265
Reviews: 40
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