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Young Writers Society


16+ Language Mature Content

???? - Prologue

by Katsticon


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.

The white noise had grown louder, it was still normal to the boy, but it made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. He looked around the church, the stained glass panels were shaded all tints of red and surrounded the walls. The normal beige and white church was pitch black. Yurei couldn’t see anything five feet away from him, but he felt a presence. The boy gulped and held his Bible close, just like Father Ciel had told him. Yurei hesitated to call out for the priest but was faced with bright light, losing consciousness.

“Yurei. Wake up, you blacked out again.”

The boy woke up to find out he was staring straight up at the pristine white barrel vault, reading the engraved letters, “In God We Trust.” for the millionth time. He felt the cold floor and realized he was shirtless, and that it must have been late at night. He grew confused, Just a few minutes ago he remembered falling asleep in his bed. Sitting up, he had seen Father Ciel staring at him from the front row of the pew, with crossed arms and a Bible right beside him as always. Ciel’s green eyes pierced into Yurei’s poor soul, all while he uncrossed his arms to fix his blonde hair. He always complained it was too long, but never actually had the time or energy to cut it.

Yurei fixed his posture, standing up and facing Ciel, trying not to trip over his own feet. The boy wore an embarrassed smile and brushed himself off. He walked over to the priest in front of him and read his expression, unimpressed as always.

“I’m sorry for falling collapsing again Father Ciel, sometimes I can’t help it you know? I try relaxing in a pew reading about our holy lord, then next thing you know I’m passed out--”

“Where is your Bible?”

Shit. Yurei already knew he would get his ear chewed off Ciel when it wasn’t some ungodly hour of the night or a Sunday morning, but now he’d have to listen to Lolita and do her boring work for the next few weeks. Yurei’s smile turned into an annoyed expression; furrowed eyebrows, and a slight frown.

“I don’t know. It’s still lost from last Sunday school. I think the children hid it around here somewhere.”

That was a lie.

“Well, maybe you wouldn’t be laying in the middle of the church floor every night if you always had your Bible by your side. I can sense God is not impressed, Yurei.”

Oh, bless it. Ciel picked up his Bible and stood up, towering over Yurei and glaring at him before walking off to the back hallways of the church. The last things Yurei heard from Ciel’s mouth was Matthew 18: 21-22. ‘Then Pete came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him?”’

The cold shirtless boy sighed and looked down at the spot where he blacked out. The marble floor looked clean, even though Yurei woke up in a gross cold sweat. He turned his gaze to the bible in the pew and had a strong urge to rip it into tiny shreds, but that would earn him another week doing Lolita’s work. Yurei ignored the thought and walked down the aisle and to the hallway where Ciel disappeared off to.

The boy turned the corner and looked down the long hallway. Dread grew over him as he made his way to his room, looking through all the doors, curious to see if anything in this boring church would actually change. Of course it didn’t. It was just the same old boring meeting rooms and storage rooms, with a few classrooms scattered around for Sunday school. Yurei yawned as he made his way to his room. Opening the door quietly, he noticed his roommate was still up, writing at their desk and mumbling to himself. Yurei shut the door to make some noise and his roommate looked up in annoyance. That’s because his roommate was Father Ciel.

“Couldn’t you at least take your sweet precious time to get back like you do every other day? Exploring some off-limits part of the church for me to go find you and yell at you?”

Yurei already knew where the off-limit areas in the church were; the basement, the attic, the freezer in the banquet hall, and etc. The off-limit areas weren’t anything special really, just places that “kids shouldn’t be snooping around or they’ll get hurt.” as quoted by Ciel himself. A few years ago, Yurei and one of the other children of the church, Esther, had ventured up to the attic in an anticipation of the priests and Father Ciel had told them not to go to. In the end, the only things in the attic were empty caskets for ceremonies and old junk the priest wanted to throw away, but completely forgot about.

“Ah, sorry Father Ciel-”

“You don’t have to call me Father Ciel, you’re old enough.”

Yurei didn’t remember that being any kind of rule of when you turned sixteen. Everyone calls the priest by Father, except for maybe some of the older priests who have been at the church longer than Ciel.

“Uh, sorry... Er... Ciel. I can go back out the pews and sit there for a bit if you would like to finish writing with disturbance.”

Ciel shook his head and closed his book. Yurei glanced at the book and noticed the cover had a pentagram on it, it looked like the book Ciel was reading out of earlier. The boy focused his attention back on Ciel as he got up from the desk and threw himself onto the bed and under the covers.

“I’m done for today. Go explore more if you want, just don’t pass out again. I won’t be the one getting you.”

Knowing Ciel couldn’t see him, Yurei nodded his head and made his way down the hallway to explore the church for the millionth time.


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40 Reviews


Points: 1265
Reviews: 40

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Sun Jan 20, 2019 6:04 pm
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BlueJayWalker10 wrote a review...



Hello! Friendly neighborhood reviewer Jay here, back from the dead. I would like to begin this review off with: holy somokes, dude. Very well written! I have very few critiquing comments to make about this.

I first just have a few grammar nitpicks:

"I'm sorry for collapsing again, Father Ciel, sometimes I can't help it you know? I try relaxing in a pew reading about our #0000BF ">holy lord, then the next thing you know I'm passed out--"

If we're talking about a one and true God not unlike the Christian God, you capitalize all nouns and pronouns referring to Him. So, Holy Lord should be capitalized. If not, you may want to make that a little clearer, so people don't cock eyebrows.

"Uh, sorry... #BF0000 ">Er... Ciel. I can go back #BF0000 ">out the pews and sit there for a bit if you would like to finish writing #BF0000 ">with disturbance."

Unless "uh, sorry... er... Ciel," are all three separate sentences instead of him stuttering on one sentence, "er" should be lowercase, since it's in the middle of a sentence and is not a proper noun.
"I can go back out the pews," I believe you meant to say "I can go back out to the pews" or "I can go back to the pews."
"... if you would like to finish writing with disturbance." With disturbance? My good sir, I believe you meant to say "without disturbance."

Lastly, I feel you need to make it more clear that Yurei is a ghost. I finished the story and I thought that the "Knowing Ciel couldn't see him, Yurei nodded his head..." was just because Ciel was hunched over and looking at his work. Throughout the story it's not implied that Yurei's the one doing things, it's flat out said in several cases.
"Yurei! Wake up!"
Yurei fixed his posture, standing up and facing Ciel, trying not to trip over his own feet.
...even though Yurei woke up in a gross cold sweat.
Yurei shut the door to make some noise...

Father Ciel straight-up calling out to Yurei to wake up shatters any possibility of readers thinking anything of him being a ghost unless they're flat-out told he is.
Saying Yurei fixed his posture and was trying not to trip over his own feet implies that he has a physical body, because what ghost trips? What ghost worries about posture? At least, when we're thinking about classic paranormal ghosts, and not The Heroes of Olympus house gods in Camp Jupiter. And even then...
Saying Yurei was the one to shut the door also throws that fantasy out the window; yes, ghosts have the ability to affect aspects of the physical world in classic paranormal stories, but saying he shut it loudly to alert his roommate of his presence is awfully odd. Why didn't the unnamed boy note it shutting loudly, or shutting at all, if he wasn't the one to close it? Did Yurei only die a few years ago? Because earlier, it said "a few years ago, Yurei and some of the other children..." meaning he was alive recently, or there are other dead children. And he considers himself Father Ciel's roommate.
Things to ponder upon, unless you've already thought all these things out and have your own explanations for them later in your story. In which case, feel free to disregard this entire section of my review (or, even if not, feel free to disregard it, 'cause I'm kind of a trashy reviewer).

Anyway, until the next chapter!
-Jay




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Thu Jan 17, 2019 5:55 pm
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teamwsmf wrote a review...



This chapter shows a promising beginning, but I do have a few little nitpicks. These are just little opinions, and therefore can be disregarded if they do are not applicable.

First, I think that the reveal at the end of the chapter, the reveal that Yurei is a ghost that only the unnamed boy can see, could perhaps use some form of foreshadowing to add a dark mood to help show what kind of story this will be. Since this is just the beginning of the story, I do not expect everything to be established willy-nilly, but using something to help establish that Yurei is ethereal would be much appreciated. But then again, I do not know the rules that Yurei is subject to, if any.

Second, I think that the attention paid to the Bible verses and references is quite admirable. The attention the author pays to the Bible helps establish the setting's theme, that theme being religion. Although some may see this as a downside, I think it helps establish that this church is quite devoted to their faith, which might be a pivotal point in the story in the future.

That is all I have to say for now, but I am looking forward to the next chapter.





i like that the title of dr jekyll and mr hyde makes a clear stance that the embodiment of one’s own evil doesn’t get a claim to the doctorate
— waywardxwallflower