Published August 19, 2011
I inhale deeply to cut
Deeper into the bare wound
But I feel nothing
I can't even walk
As the cut starts to heal
My legs are wrecked
"Please stop bleeding!"
Dad, stop screaming now
It isn't going to make a difference
The bath is getting colder
The water contaminated
With my own blood
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137,484 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Okay well I read this about three times in a row and here were just a few of my thoughts.
Okay well overall I found this poem confusing, I had trouble keeping up with what happened. I think you should probably add something in about how you hurt your legs and why you are in a bathtub. It just needs a little bit more substance.
Woah, there. This is a good, strong poem. I love how you describe this frustration towards the dad, and the inner pain, as well as the pain from the injury itself.
However, there are two things I'd like to mention:
I inhale deeply to cut
Deeper into the bare wound
But I feel nothing
This part of the "inhaling deeply to cut" sounds as if you are breathing in TO cut yourself. Maybe a little clarification.
Second.
The conclusion is wonderful with the bathtub, but maybe a verse of how she feels in the tub first, or describe she's in the tub, or in the water first.
Other than that, you're golden! Keep writing. Gotta tell you, I'm glad you sent me this poem to review. I like it!
DreamWalker pretty much nailed it.
Poetry is an art in itself. It is an art that yearns to be explored, dissected, experimented with. It is an art that craves metaphor; it strives to dig deep, to uproot concepts and ideas, common, unheard of, radical. Poetry is an art of grace, too. Poetry should be elegant, subtle, laced with imagery and emotion.
But is this poetry? Sure, it uses words that sound nice when they're put together in a certain way; can that be called poetry, though? You tell me a story that could just as efficaciously, if not more efficaciously, be accomplished using prose. Where is the metaphor, that spark? If one were to pick this poem apart, would there be anything left? I doubt it.
Perhaps you should think about where you want to go with this. Poetry is not simply a way to translate prose; what, then, would be the point of the former? Don't let yourself be held back by the limitations of prose. Experiment, expand. Use metaphors. Be creative. I'd like to see where this goes.
Keep writing.
-Kafka
heys there, i enjoyed reading your short poem and how its expressing how youre feeling and what's happening in a small and fast detailed way. as i read the last line i wanted to keep going but it was the end maybe you could add just a little more:) not telking you to do it or change cause its your poem and how you helped but maybe some consideration to it.but great work!
Edited
Hi there!
Ok, so I really liked the idea of this poem. And if you were intending for it to be only 3 lines, then that's great. However, for this subject matter, I would expect that you'd write so much more. There is SO much to be said!! I just feel like making a poem like this so short just sucks out all the emotion. And while yes, you can argue that a short poem leaves everything open to interpretation, you have a wider relatable audience, well all that is great. But I was sorely disappointed to be able to read through this in less than 10 seconds. So my recommendation to you is this: expand on it. Even if it's just two or three more stanza's, that gives so much more to the poem. But of course, it's all up to you.
Keep writing!
~Molly
The thing about poetry is that not only does it come from a hard place, but it also explains ones woes in a manner that is beautiful. The utter contradiction. Using metaphor and flow and diction, one shapes what we least wish to see (or maybe what we most wish to see) and creates something with so much passion it cannot be ignored.
As poets, we strive to create not something that could be achieved by writing prose. Poetry should be completely different. It should be unique and utterly you, and sometimes simplicity is okay if the topic is very original or taken in a way that is different.
Unfortunately, what I found with this poem is that, though it has direction, it lacked substance. It lacked the things that make poetry strong. Three lines that have been said many times before in many different ways by young teenagers all over the world rarely impresses anyone, let alone to be taken seriously as poetry.
What I want you to do is expand. I want you to take this, breathe it in, then let it grow within you first and foremost. When you let it back out, let the words go with it. The metaphor will be your saving grace. Subtlety will be your saving grace. A bit of originality might even be your saving grace. All I know is that when it comes to poetry there is one thing I know to be true and that when one writes it, one gives a piece of their soul.
I don't know about you but if a piece of my soul is on the line, I'd rather not be so blatant about it.
~Walker
Hi Katlyn. I can see that this poem comes from a very raw place for you, maybe your voice, maybe the voice of a friend. This is in very stark contrast to "Love's Sweet Bloom", I would be interested to see how you relate different poems to one another, it is very hard to get the sense of a poet from a senryu, which of course is what this is, similar to haiku but about people instead of nature. Senryu typically have a twist, something unexpected, to say about people or an experience, in fact, many of them are quite funny in a dark way. You describe this as your first serious poem posted here, and I would disagree, a dark subject doesn't make a work more serious, it's how well you write it. In terms of what you were setting out to do, 17 syllables describing a very particular feeling, you did well. As a poet, you watch people, you know that people very rarely feel the one thing, it's thousands of combination of all different emotions, external and internal, love, pain, isolation, comfort, hunger, cool, itchy, scared, hope, shock, sweaty. I think for what you are going for, this does well, but if you were going to write this as a series of senryu for example, or a longer poem, it would be good to see the layers of emotion, the bitter and the sweet, because I know that you can do that. Well done, keep writing.
Hi there!
This poem is really good. I haven't read many short poems, but yours is great! You packed a lot of punch into those three lines. This poem flows great and there's a lot of emotion in it. You have good imagery (mainly in the second line) and I didn't find any spelling or grammer mistakes.
So I'm going to tell my thought process as I read through this. Here goes:
Overall this is a good piece. I hope my review helped! Keep writing!
Hello.
To be honest, I was expecting a longer poem. I know that feeling and I know you could write more about it.
You feel nothing. You're not getting the satisfaction you wanted, you craved. And when this "coping" skill fails, it leads to worse things, such as wanting to end it all. How does your narrator do that? Does she take the "easy" way out by trying to overdose? Or does she try to hang herself? Is she successful? Or does she not attempt suicide? Does she just want to end it all but doesn't act on that desire?
I hope this helps you to expand it,
McMourning