Published August 24, 2011
No listening
No subtlety
No novelty
To be found here
No wondering
No pondering
No worrying
Nothing to fear
"Sit up straight!"
"Talk to me more!"
What nonsense
Everything is ruled
"Give me you hand!"
"Don't you walk away!"
Just calm down
Please don't be fooled
And I scream
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Its good I like pace of the poem although like another user commented I would perhaps thinking about changing the ending as that could be improved. Good Job though
No listening,
No subtlety,
No novelty-
To be found here.
No wondering,
No pondering,
No worrying-
Nothing to fear.
"Sit up straight!"
"Talk to me more!"
What nonsense-
Everything is ruled.(what do you mean by 'ruled'?)
"Give me you hand!"
"Don't you walk away!"
Just calm down,
Please(I think a dash would work great here: 'Please- don't be fooled') don't be fooled.
And I scream...( a bit vague, but not bad)
Well, I liked it- all though I didn't really got it- because it was a good poem, as simple as that.
I don't really have constructive criticism, and I'm really sorry- but I just didn't really understood the poem.
Liked it though,
SubjectBlue
Great concept! The number 3 and the ways it influenced the poem was brilliant! My only suggestion was to give a little more fluidity in your piece is to, makes the stanza's connected more. My take on the poem was it represented external factors! SO creating levels of impact on someone life, least to greatest preferably. This will give a stronger ending as well! Otherwise, it is a great poem! Keep up the great work!
Pretty minimalistic. I more or less follow what you're getting at, I think. And in saying that, I realize that I really don't know what you're getting at. Three. What of it? Clarify this, if only a little bit.
As the piece itself goes:
No wondering
No pondering
No worrying
(No fear)
I think that the edition of the forth line of this stanza to something like what I've put here in parenthesis would be useful to the flow of this piece. I had similar feelings about the ending of the first stanza, but no alternative immediately jumped to mind that I could volunteer without better knowing what you're meaning to say here. Clarify just a bit, and work a touch on the rhyme scheme. This could be a fine little piece.
Hi there!
First I just want to say that I'm glad someone wrote a poem that was about everyday life. Almost everyone goes through these things, so this poem is very relatable.
The flow of this piece is great. It flows well and I can't find anyplace where the flow falters. Great job! You don't really have a rhyme scheme, so there's nothing for me to say about that. I like how you added dialouge into this. It made it more realistic and realatable. You kept the structure the same until the very last line. I can tell you wanted to add a 'stinger' at the end, but I think you should've made it another stanza instead of one line. That one line breaks from the established flow and doesn't seem to set in. Maybe you could use three lines to build up to the last line. Have the narrator slowly get angry and then just burst. You don't have to of course, that's just what I would do.
This is my favorite part because it's so true!
Overall this is a good piece. Keep writing!
This was a good poem, but I think you could have perhaps ended it a bit better. Maybe look on the bright side, or come up with a theory that they want to turn us into brainwashed robots? Okay, maybe not that extreme but you understand what I mean.
Also, I think the title doesn't quite fit the poem. I know that the stanzas are written with the first three lines having a similar structure but there's an opportunity to rename this.
Other than that, good job and I can definitely relate to this!