Chapter 1). Lilly was in her room trying not to cry. Her parents were fighting, and her older brother was yelling. There was a blade in her hand running across her skin while blood spotted on the line. Finally she felt release. She grabbed her pink glittery iPod and put in her black ear phones in. The music was blasting and the blade kept cutting.
Lilly woke up at 5:30 in the morning. Her face was dry and crusted from crying the night before. Her arm hurt from the recent cuts. She wiped the sleep away from her eyes. Her room is big. Her bed is a purple couch that went around two of her walls. On the longest side it came out further into a round bed shape. Her ceiling was painted galaxy. The headboard wall of her bed is painted purple with black buildings. The other walls are purple with lamps hooked on to them. Across her bed the mirror doors to her closet were closed. She climbed out of bed. She walked to her closet. She grabbed some black skinny jeans, a pink tank top and a lose white shirt that said hello beautiful.
She walked across her room into her bathroom. It's walls were painted pink. She set her clothes on the toilet lid. She went over to the shower and pulled back the galaxy shower curtain to turn on the water. She closed the shower curtain and took off her pjs. She hopped into the shower. The warm water felt good on her skin. She washed her hair, face and body. Then shaved her legs. She stepped out on to her black bath mat. She grabbed a purple towel and rapped it around her. The grabbed a white towel and put her hair up into it. Lilly brushed her teeth and put her clothes on. She walked over to her makeup stand. She blowed dried her hair than curled it in lose waves. The she did her make up.
When she was done she walked down stair. Grabbed her pink, black and purple backpack, car keys and put her pink ballet flats on. Then walked out of the front door. Her car was a black Volkswagen bug with red spots on it. She got into her car and drove off to school.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well, this sounds like we have ourselves a whole flurry of just a straight up mixture of horrible situations happening around this person here and this person themselves is just giving into the horror of everything surrounding them here...it definitely looks like a terrible thing is about to go down here.
Well that went a lot better than I was expecting it to go, although that does now beg the question why this person decided to just cut themselves and cry themselves to sleep, well, at any rate, it all comes together to make a very intriguing start to things here. Also a nice little description for the room there to set the scene for things.
ALright, considering the kind of start this story has, it all transitioning into a essentially a description of this person going about their morning routine is a bit of a weird choice there cause it completely seems to be disrupting the energy that the previous bit of the story had here...soo...a little bit concerning there...just a tiny bit.
Aand yeah, it ends on a very generic note....which I feel like kind of takes away from the start here cause it just feels like you forget about that first paragraph because what happened the night prior is barely mentioned, there doesn't appear to be any consequences or anything, so while this is interesting...I feel like that latter part of the piece could be done a lot better here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey,
(I have not been through a situation like this though, but I have faced a lot of problems in my life)
This story I did find interesting, and I liked the fact that it touched on some issues some people face, it's something I hold close to my heart. Basically I find stories like this moving, very moving
That aside, there were a couple of things I would like to say, mainly in the form of constructive criticism:
1. At the end you said 'she walked down stair' That was just a small spelling error I noticed, but nothing to worry about
2. I did find some of the sentences a little but short, and it made it a little bit disconnected. Note I am not perfect, but that was just my opinion.
Overall it was a good read, I look forward to seeing more in the future!
Thank you for writing this
This was an interesting read, but I confess I'm also a little confused. The first paragraph was really arresting but I got lost in the subsequent paragraphs. You use lots of short, choppy sentences and I don't know whether it's by design but it makes for a disjointed read. Plus, it makes a big deal of seemingly trite details.
As a reader, I'm each line leaves me asking questions. Why is it important that she shaved her legs? Why do I need to know the decor of her room? Does it give me insight into her character and personality? I feel that you could use these descriptions to tell us more about Lily, instead of just painting a picture of her surroundings.
The reason I ask these questions is because as I writer, I come from the school of 'every sentence has a purpose'. The first paragraph tells me something, and so do the first two lines of the second. But all subsequent details only tell me that Lily has a daily routine.
I did like the intro, and I believe there's gonna be more to this story.
Thank you!
Hello!
I think you could have an interesting start to a story here. I think the first paragraph is intriguing and draws the reader in because you're immediately introducing a conflict - the parents and the brother are fighting and she is cutting herself. The more I think about it, the more I like the subsequent paragraphs because it creates somewhat of a juxtaposition. It's like this fight is going on and she's hurting herself - which is not good or normal, but then she just continues on with her life like everything is normal.
I would like to see more. I think this chapter could be like doubled or even tripled in length. I think you've got a lot of good descriptions in terms of what she is doing and what everything looks like - but I want more of everything else. Those kinds of descriptions aren't bad, but I don't know anything about Lilly other than she cuts and a list of things she did.
Some questions to consider:
What are they fighting/yelling about? How long has this been going on? Is this a common occurrence? What exactly is she feeling? What is being said? Can she hear any of the conversation?
Where is she cutting herself? Does she like seeing the blood?
What does that release feel like exactly? What is she thinking and feeling?
What kind of music is she listening to? Is she cutting deeper or is she cutting new areas?
As for the rest - again, I think it's kind of cool juxtaposition, but is all of that critical information to give out right now? Can it be weaved into the story in another way? You want this first chapter to grab your readers and make them want to keep reading.
I think you could have an interesting start, but I just want more. More character interactions, more tension, more plot.
Let me know if you have any questions or something doesn't make sense, and let me know if you want me to keep reading as you post more!
-Carly
Your sentences seem a little choppy. The inconsistency makes it a little hard to read; the flow isn't quite right. It sounds more like you're just stating things than writing. I'm just trying to help you out. Try using sentences and words of different length to mix things up. Also, you slip in descriptions before the object so it sounds kind of random. If you want to describe an object, try writing a few sentences about it or maybe even an entire paragraph. I feel like this can be a really good story, and I love the title.