Keep calm Melissa, she told herself, trying to fight the waves of terror coursing through her body. Just keep calm, what would Lumina do? Well that was easy really...
"Move it!" Shouted Melissa, so loudly that many people turned to see what was going on.
"And what are ya gonna do if we don't?" Asked Nancy, smirking.
Melissa hesitated for a second, before pushing Amy with all the strength she had. Surprised, Amy
"That," said Melissa smugly. She stalked past the girls and out into the sunshine, leaving stunned whispers and muttering behind her.
As soon as she was outside Melissa made for her tree. It was planted at a secluded spot at the back of the oval, away from prying eyes. She liked the solitude, and the feeling of protection the huge, spreading branches gave her. As she sat with her back against the trunk, staring absent-mindedly at an ant crawling across her shoe, her thoughts turned to Lumina.
She wished that they went to the same school so much it hurt. Lumina claimed that her dad homeschooled her, but Melissa was a little suspicious. When Lumina had came to her house a few weeks ago, Melissa had asked for her help on a geography assignment. Lumina had looked at her blankly and asked; "What the hell is Geography?"
Lost in thought, Melissa hadn't realised that someone was standing over her until her lunch was tugged out of her hands. She looked up to see Nancy, towering above her, leering. Her hard mouth was twisted into a grotesque smile.
"Hey loser," she spat. "Geez, you're ugly."
Melissa was stumped by the insult. No one had ever called her ugly before, and she didn't think she was particularly ugly. She liked her wavy blonde hair, and the way her dark green eyes sparkled in the light.
A surge of anger propelled her to her feet. What would Lumina do?
"You're one to talk Nancy," she said quietly. "You're so ugly I want to puke every time I see you."
Nancy scowled and cracked her knuckles. "You're gonna regret that, punk," she snarled, advancing on Melissa. Melissa backed up until she hit the chain-link barrier fence.
Nancy whipped her fist back and sunk it into Melissa's stomach. Melissa collapsed, gasping for breath, as another fist slammed into her shoulder. Her head smashed against the ground and the world spun around her. She could hear Nancy sniggering as she brought her fist again.
What would Lumina do? She thought desperately as Nancy advanced. But Lumina wouldn't be in this situation, no one would ever dream of hurting Lumina, and she's too tough to let them.
Well thats the end of that, thought Melissa, shutting her eyes in a futile attempt to block Nancy out. When it comes down to it, I'm not Lumina, and I can't pretend I am. She went completely limp, resigning to her fate, and waited for Nancy to come and deliver the final blow.
"Leave her alone" yelled a cold voice from behind Melissa. Melissa opened her eyes slightly as a figure vaulted over the fence with incredible speed and landed between Melissa and Nancy. It was a girl, wearing a battered brown leather jacket over a faded shirt and baggy black pants. She had an aura of toughness, even though her clothes looked like something out of a charity bin. Her light brown hair was golden in the sunlight, and her blue eyes were lit with fire.
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139,345 Literary Works • 672,539 Reviews
Hello Kathryn, Wolf here for another review.
So, I'm afraid this has to happen. I know a huge issue people have is commas and where to or not to put them. I've created an efficient spiel on which you can refer back to on where to place commas. I will probably go over some things that you already know, so bear with me, and I'm only trying to help. There are other places where commas are needed, but these are the main ones: (After typing this I realize how long and dull this is, so if you want to save this editing for later, skip down to the picture and I'll go onto less grammar stuff. I am truly sorry for this grammar lesson.)
1.) After a dependent clause. As you may already know, a dependent clause is a phrase of a sentence that cannot stand on its own. For example:
While I licked a lollipop, I walked home.
The underlined portion that's followed by a comma because it is the dependent clause of the sentence. Now if it was just 'I walked home', no comma would be needed. Dependent clauses can be as short as one word, as shown bellow:
Suddenly, I dropped the lollipop.
Remember, any time a dependent clause goes before an independent clause, there is a comma, but not if it goes after. Even if that dependent clause is before an independent clause in a compound sentence. Here's an incorrect example from someone else's story:
"I suppose half-way through the fall I lost consciousness, because when I woke up I was in pain and on the floor."
Can you already see the two dependent clauses? Correct way to punctuate it with commas:
I suppose halfway through the fall, I lost consciousness, because when I woke up, I was in pain and on the floor."
Understanding it a little more now?
2.) When creating a compound sentence. Hopefully you know what a compound sentence is, but just incase, it is two sentences joined by a conjunction and a comma. For example:
I screamed, and I ran the rest of the way home.
Notice the comma comes right before the conjunction, and that goes right before the second sentence. Common conjunctions are: and, but, or, since, and so.
3.) Between Adjectives. So, not sure if you did this or not, but always remember to put commas between a list of stuff or a list of adjectives. For example:
The big, white, and fluffy cat was named Ruffles.
or
His white, glossy house looked nice.
This doesn't only apply to adjectives, and I'm positive you know how to punctuate lists, but this is, again, for future reference in case this slips your mind or something.
4.) Referring to people. This is a really small one, and then I'll be finished grammar rambling. So basically, a comma is needed when someone is addressing another, for example:
"Hey, George!" she smiled.
Very simple, very easy to fix.
As you can see, in my example dialogue, I didn't capitalize the 'she' after the exclamation point. Why, you ask? Click this image and it will lead you to an article explaining why this is and even some other dialogue rules!
(Ignore the typo in the picture
Again, I apologize for rambling on about punctuation, but I am finished now and I am ready for content. So, I am a little confused, how does Melissa get so assertive all of a sudden. I mean, nobody can just suddenly make that change. Sure, she gets all fed up, and the first outburst in class was believable, but no one can gain such confidence so quickly. Maybe show Melissa hesitating at first, how she's nervous now.
Also, another thing I don't find believable is how Nancy reacted the first time. If she's really this violent and cruel, why'd she just let her pass after tackling her friend. Speaking of which, when did that friend get there? I do remember that there was a group surrounding her at the end of the last chapter, but here we are focused on Nancy and all the sudden there is an Amy. What? Maybe have an added part like 'a different girl there called Amy' or something like that, to make the transition less sudden.
Finally, where exactly are they in the end. I thought they were by a tree in the middle of a school yard and then all the sudden there is a fence? Try to establish the setting a little better before the action scene, because I was honestly extremely confused on where she was getting beat up at.
Despite all the criticism (and I'm truly sorry if I sounded really harsh) I did really like this. I found it enjoyable and engaging, though a bit short, and you do a nice job with character development. You show us how Melissa handle's this situation, and looses all her previous confidence, just to cower on the floor in front of this bully. I really like that and you do a nice job. Can't wait to see more. Keep Writing,
~Wolfare
Hey there, Amoniel in for a review. :3
(I haven't submitted a piece of work myself, so my apologies of my logic is off here, but I think it might work out that way? Or does it cost more points when submitting more words? I'll look it up.)
I just went back and read the first chapter of Ignis, otherwise I probably would have been quite confused as to what was happening here, but I read chapter one in a bit of a rush so my apologies if I missed anything out, or misunderstood anything here. c:
Firstly, both this chapter and the previous one have been pretty short. It might be a matter of choice, or you might have adapted it to accommodate the full-length story's size, but in my personal opinion you might have been better off combining this chapter and the previous one together to just make one chapter out of it; since the last one cut off rather quickly and not in a spectacular place, and this one had a better placing and sounded more like an 'official' ending to a chapter.
Besides, it might be more point-efficient to combine chapters.
Anyways, on to my critique.
What did Amy do? :O
I think you might have accidentally deleted something there. xD
This is rather nit-picky of me, but this action scene is a bit disjointed at points. c:
If Melissa was on the ground, it is largely impractical of Nancy to go to punch her again, seeing that she would have to kneel or bend down in order to reach her target. While it makes sense when you read it the first time, once you think about it a little it starts to make less sense - if you intend to use this kind of combat, or any combat really, in a piece of writing it helps to imagine the scene happening in your mind before or while you are writing it. :3 It helps both you and the reader piece together what is happening in the scene, and gives an idea for you to work with if you want to elongate fight scenes / make them more elaborate / ect.
This statement, while quite powerful already, might be more effective if you changed up the punctuation a bit.
As I pointed out above, it is impractical of Nancy to be using her fists, but I have another nitpick to make here. xD There seems to be a word missing somewhere, and because I don't know what you intended to happen with this sentence, I can't make any corrections. However, I believe that you meant to say '... brought her fist up again.', or something along those lines. c:
Me being nitpicky again... Generally, people tend to look tougher when their clothes are out of charity bins, garbage dumps and other places as such due to the fact that it usually symbolizes that they have had to fight for their possessions and carry a rather 'though street person' feel about them. And since this girl has suddenly come out of the blue and vaulted over the school fence, I'm pretty sure she was going to look tough regardless. xD
Anyways, that concludes my critique - and I congratulate you on an interesting, captivating chapter.
Great job! c:
-Almond